Hi,
I'm new here and have been reading many of the posts. I have been single for almost ten years and have three children. I left an abusive marriage to a man who drank and had affairs. I denied it for a long time but finally because of my children made the decision to leave.
I was wondering how many of you have contacted past lovers after leaving your marriage. I have been on a journey for some reason and have reunited with more than one since my divorce. It has been a healing process although very painful. Each time I meet up with a past lover I go through the pain of the break up all over again. I have finally figured out that I have been trying to go back in time as I know the past and am afraid to go forward and develop a new relationship because of trust issues. Just last month I met up with a guy I dated through high school. We broke up because my parents objected to us dating because he was of another race. He is married and always held a torch for me. I was at a trade show in my home town 3,000 miles away from where I live now. He picked me up at the airport and the day I left he drove me to the airport after stopping by his house. He is doing well for himself and gave me the grand tour. He also got out the photo albums where he had photos of us. After I got home I wondered why he took me to his house. Was he trying to show me the lifestyle I could have had? He knows that I am not very well off. I found it confusing. I also found looking at the photos of us very painful and wished we could have spent more time together although I realize that he is married and don't want to interfere with that situation. I emailed him when I got back asking him to stay in touch and thanking him for the drive etc. but he has not emailed me back. I also find this confusing because he wanted to see me and insisted on picking me up and driving me to the airport and then he doesn't keep in touch. Any thoughts. Also just thought a new post on this subject would create some interesting stories from others as it is often a dangerous thing to reconnect especially if there are unresolved feelings. That said it can also help you to work through unfinished business and move on.
Stories anyone?
KATE

Katebcca, its probably a good thing he didn't email you because and correct me if I'm wrong but you said he was married right? We have a women right now in here posting that is torn nearly apart by her supposedly good husband emailing an old flame or ex and she is devastated, that is cheating on his and the other womans part. I doubt you'd want to be guilty of causing another woman to suffer while you take a stroll down memory lane. What may appear innocent to you can cause irreprable harm in anothers marriage. Remember there is NO going back in time and why would you want to. Start over and put your energy into going forward.

[ July 15, 2005, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I agree with Chatty, Kate. I think the past gives insight, but live in the NOW. I think looking up old flames gives you a sense of feeling loved, because you knew you WERE loved by these men THEN...and obviously, your EX didn't give you this.

But messing in the lives of married couples is a no win situation. I'm wondering if you have taken the time to know yourself and what you really want/need before you go from one old flame to another? My guess is that you will find your needs have changed since the "good old days."

I hope you do find what you are looking for Kate, truly I do. Some have said when they quit looking, it was there. Could be? Maybe?

My best, JJ

Katebcca, I'm reasonably happily married, but a few years ago I had a major breakdown. I had to leave work, spiralled into major depression, and eventually became totally unable to see any good in my life. I became obsessed with trying to find out why "nobody loved me" anymore (when in fact, it was ME who didn't love me anymore).

So I started writing letters and emails to people from my past asking them point-blank why they had stopped loving me and why they didn't care about me anymore. It was (in my mind) an honest attempt to find out what was wrong with me so I could fix it...but as sincere as my intentions were, the sad reality is that some of those letters did some damage on the other end.

Spouses weren't so understanding of this emotionally needy person from the past creeping back into their spouse's lives like that, and looking back, I cringe at my approach and audacity, even though at the time it seemed like the right thing to do for my sanity and health. It wasn't. It was selfish, intrusive, passive aggressive and hurtful, and I will probably never be on the same positive level of friendship with some of those people as I was before I tried to re-establish that connection. Most of these people were men, former boyfriends. None of them had been lovers (I was celibate into my late-thirties), but I was still trying to reconnect with them on an intimate level...to be fair to myself I was looking for spiritual/kindred spirit intimacy, not physical intimacy...but their spouses couldn't know that and had problems interpreting my poetic style of expressing myself and my neediness for answers.

Anyway, it wasn't the right thing for me to have done. I can't take it back or make it right again, but I CAN strongly suggest that you LET IT GO. Don't pursue this married friend of yours. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say. Find the answers you need right there within yourself. And trust me, if anything was/is meant to happen with this guy, it would have/will happen, in its own right time, and in its own positive way. He's where he's meant to be at this moment in time and you are where you're meant to be. Move on from where you are and find your way back into your OWN life, not back into his right now.

That's my humble opinion.

[ July 15, 2005, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Kate, I must agree with Chatty, JJ and Eagle. He is married. That says it all.

Plus- Each day is a new opportunity to grow, learn and thrive for the best. If we try to live in the past, we will never enjoy the present.

Try put yourself in his wife's shoes... Would you like the past disturbing your present ? In all things treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself .

God bless you!

Dear Kate, I understand your longing. I've been there too. I do have a story to tell, but will do so later. When I was going through a rocky period in my current marriage, I fantasized about a former boyfriend. My counselor told me that fantasy arises to fulfill the needs that are not being met in real time. I had a positive experience when reuniting with a high school boyfriend, and all parties (my husband, his girlfriend) were involved in the reunion after 27 years. I don't have time to go into it now. But I do agree with all that has been posted in response to your post. And you have insight: "I have finally figured out that I have been trying to go back in time as I know the past and am afraid to go forward and develop a new relationship because of trust issues." Go forward cautiously, but go forward. Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn, when I saaw the topic I thought it was you who started it. Aren't you going to see an old flame on a trip soon?

Also, I was talking with a friend recently who shared she was going to see an old flame. She's happily married, but was still excited to lay eyes on him, see what he's up to, who he's married to, etc.

Kate, I hope you'll post again soon. I think you've gotten some insightful information from the gals.

Hi Dotsie, yes, this old flame is picking me up at the airport when I go to the writer's conference in Vermont. I don't have fantasies about him, or long for him, or pine away regretting lost years. My place is with my husband, and the old bf's place is where ever he happens to be in that moment. It's a long story of how we got reconnected. There was nothing surrepticious about the reunion. For years, whenever he came to mind, I would use this affirmation: "I release ***** to his destiny. I am now able to claim and complete my own." I could not have guessed that the destiny was to reconnect. My exbf has a girlfriend of @7 years. She was 37 and he was 51 when he had his FIRST child! Whenever my husband and I are having a friendly fight, I tell him, "You better be nice to me or I'l go live with ****" (meaning the ex-bf.) My husband and I are so secure with each other that we can joke. Eagle, I am so sorry you subjected yourself to tough love. I am sad that you were in such despair and longing. I hope their responses were more about what they loved in you and less about what they didn't. My ex bf saw through my layers of self-loathing to my soul, and for a brief while we had a connection. My husband received a phone call from his ex wife several years ago. I realized how mature and secure I'd become because her call was like a fly I just wanted to swat away. Love and Light, Lynn

Thanks everyone. I do want to make it very clear that when we were together neither of us behaved in a way that his wife would have disapproved of.
We did not flirt at all. I was just caught off guard after returning home from my trip by some fairly heavy emotions. I am sure that seeing the photo album of us together is what did it. I don't want to break up his family or cause his wife any distress. I actually felt guilty because I had hurt him so long ago and felt bad. But I was young and foolish then with little life experience. I have lived in the past too long and had been going back to get answers. I think I am finished with the past, I think now I can leave what happened where it needs to stay. I agree with JJ "looking up old flames gives you a sense of feeling loved, because you knew you WERE loved by these men THEN...and obviously, your EX didn't give you this"
All in all going back was necessary for me to move forward, that is what this original post was about. Sometimes although dangerous if you have unfinished business you have to go back. Not everyone needs closure but I'm the type of person who does. I understand how reuniting with an old flame can cause major damage to a marriage but I don't think that is the case with my situation. I thing my old boyfriend and I needed to heal and hopefully by meeting that is what we did.
I'm finished with the past though. It is time to move forward. After being on my own for 10 years hopefully I can make new memories. If I can just learn to let my guard down a little I may even meet someone and allow myself to be loved.
Thanks again, and I will continue to post as this is a great group....I can tell :-)

Hi Kate, yes, I hope you do continue to post. I completely understand your statements about unfinished business and closure. I was in the process of learning that I had cancer when my thoughts went to who I wanted to see before I died. And my thoughts went to that former boyfriend. We had no closure when we were young...None at all! Just a lot of an inability to communicate. He saw love and light in me when I had none for myself. I will always appreciate that. And had I had any ability to love, I would have loved him. Now that I have experienced true, unconditional love, I was able to see him, finish our unfinished business, gain clarity, and closure. My husband does not need closure, but he understood my need at the time. He said that if my seeing my ex was important to me, then it was important to him, too. And it was important to the ex bf too. It wasn't all about me. And I see that this meeting of your ex bf was not all about you, either. I believe you had to go through these heavy emotions in order to progress in your healing. It seems harmless enough to me, for the both of you. Love and Light, Lynn