Debi, not sure how deep it goes. My SIL was seperated from her husband for 15 years and hadn't filed for a divorce until she found out she could be responsible for his IRS debt. If your name was on anything he put debt on, it may come back to haunt you. My ex rarely paid taxes and I wasn't working and I was still responsible for half when I divorced him. A few times, the IRS wiped out my checking account! The government believes that if you were with him when he ran up the debt of any kind, you benefited from it and have to pay your share. Nice, huh?

Meredith, I'm beginning to think most men are immature in one way or the other.

DJ, that was a good question re: the definition of feminist. In my limited understanding, a feminist can be defined as anyone, male or female, who wants equal rights for women. Amen to that! LLL

Dannye,

Pretty much the same for me. 1st husband was a year older physically and about a decade behind emotionally/psychologically. It was not fun.

My husband is 13 years older than me, and many who did not see what we saw about each other, make comments about the age difference, but if he would have been in any another package older/younger, I believe that I would still have the same feelings for him.

I am very grateful that I was able to look beyond the packaging to the real treasure of a guy my husband is and closed my ears to the comments that were made - by those who had various issues with my husband remarrying in the first place - and choose happiness over all.

It is interesting when you study noted psychologists and behaviorists that the majority indicate that younger men have an invinsible, aggressive, take charge, goal-focused attitude (high testosterone-based) while older men are more nurturing and sensitive in their behavior. The opposite is supposedly true of women, younger women are considered more nurturing and sensitive while older women are more confident, driven and goal-oriented - supposedly this relates to the younger woman's role of being the primary caregiver of children, and the older woman's ability to focus on goals/dreams that were put to the side during child-rearing years. The correlation that is striked and theorized is that younger women and older men are more alike and younger men and older women are more alike.

However, this is just another psychological theory, which has so many variables (environment, personality, life lived to date, emotional maturity of adult, individual hormones/body chemistries, etc.) that it would be impossible to get a full concensus across any of those variables.

Debi - the laws re: debt in a marriage vary from state to state depending on if you are a resident of a community property state or not. (i.e. Texas is a community property) The responsibility of the debt also depends on whether or not the state you are a resident in has separation laws or not. (i.e. Texas does not - you are either married or not). I know in Texas that the divorce order has to separate who has what tax liability for the current year/previous years.

Being an "equitable distribution" state versus a community property state has significant impact on who has what responsibility or right to both debt and property/marital assets.

A downside to having a paralegal do your forms is that you still have to go before the court yourself and handle all matters pro se, so unless you are familiar with the process, enjoy the stress that comes with that - then it is more feasible to shop around for a jr. family law attorney who can show up in court for you handling your divorce on a flat fee basis rather than by the hour.

Debi, re: the bank overdraft. Because you were using that for living expenses for yourself and your husband at a time in which you were not working, there is not an attorney for your husband that would not try to get at LEAST 50% of that debt written in a decree as your obligation. The only exception to this is if you were in an "At Fault" divorce-based state compared to a "No Fault" divorce-based state...and if say your husband had an affair which led to the divorce, etc. you have more potential of getting a full settlement in your favor. However, even that is getting more difficult these days as, affairs and even bigatry are so commonplace that they are often whitewashed by the legal system.

Dallas gal I'm studying to be a paralegal , might as learn how to fill out the forms some time ,,lol . I'll have to figure out something soon. But first i need to get a job before any attorny will touch me , and leagle aide wont help , alredy asked, so the next step is pro bono. Thanks everyone.

I am putting together flyers advertizing moms helpers or gypsy secreitary, party planner. housekeeper . Voc, rehab are dragging their feet helping, as usual ,planning on maybe taking more computer courses , the place is just down the street. Improve skll = improve chances.

Again thanks all,

Hell DJ

I don't believe in labels because they create division. I would stand up for equal rights for a man just as soon as I'd stand up for equal rights for a woman.

When I wrote Sunblood it was a testament to the love for a man and his loss based on a society that has tempered the true power of a man...systems reigning in the good man can do because of self interests. It is also about the betrayal of a woman...and her journey to understand why the world is the way it is and is so full of corruption..a journey that was needed to heal a dying body and a broken heart.

Love encompasses all DJ...it has no label.

When you label something you have slotted it into a box and therefore have taken away its potential power for expansion ie power being - just being able to bring more good to situations. Labels can easily be denigrated and do not necessarily define the whole of who you are or your values.

Standing up for truth and what's right doesn't need a name, it is what it is whoever you are and whatever demographic you exist within.

Real power exists within, not within a name or a label...real power has an expansiveness that cannot be tampered with or destroyed or spun by groups seeking to take away the supposed power of other groups, ie politics.

Spin doctoring is used to destroy and if you have a label that stands for something, it is alway denigrated by some self-interest group.

In a way, you become branded. True understanding of who you are avoids the brand in order to become fuller within honour, integrity, courage, valour, beauty and love. How can one brand this!
And why!

Although you see what I have written may contain information that feminists write...truth is just truth....the freedom of expression within the integrity of truth is just that! It has no label.

Have a lovely day DJ....if you want any further answers just ask....

With care
Leigha

With care
Leigha

I have run across two types of women who call themselves feminists. One is gung-ho for women because she hates men and wants to prove that women are better. The other simply wants to be treated like a human being with equal rights to succeed or screw-up with equal consequences.

If I had to "label" myself, I would run with the second pack. I know there are inherent differences between men and women just as there are differences between any two individuals. I just would like it if the differences weren't used to create separation. That's what we do with gender, race, and creed. Somebody's always wants to be inherently better than the next person.

We talk about men as a whole not maturing emotionally as early as women. I don't see that as a fault. I just think it is part of the inherent differences between men and women. Women have always needed to be stronger emotionally because of their physical and societal roles as the caregiver or mother. It is true that for women who were born into a time when the societal roles are changing and being a mother is not the extent of our available aspirations, the relative emotional immaturity of men can present a problem for some of us.

Of course, like it is with every thing, not all men are emotionally immature and not all women are emotionally mature. Nothing is or ever will be absolute. My nephew's wife is about as maturity challenged as they come, and the years have not made a difference. He is, too; Consequently, they drive each other crazy.

I think the biggest thing that drives women crazy is the tendency for men not to be able to talk about their feelings. When they've been taught to squash their feelings all their lives, it's difficult to give voice to them. I made up my mind when I married this time that I would never push my feelings down. I would talk about them because I knew that NOT talking about them would eventually damage my feelings for my husband. Over the years, he has become very open with me and others about his feelings. He does say, however, that when he is with a group of men, they run if he starts a conversation that requires them to talk about how they feel!

A year ago I got a divorce through The Divorce Center in Vineland, NJ. I had to do a lot of the work, but it cost me under $400. You can get a divorce kit on the internet. The main thing you have to do is get a lot of papers notorized, which is free at most banks. Of course, this was an uncontested divorce with one minor child. I did not ask for any child support or alimony--just the house for myself and my child. What a relief it is to be free of a relationship that was over more than ten years ago. I thought I hung in there for the kids, but I should have ended it long ago. Don't be a doormat like I was for years. Hopefully, you can find the help you need.

Hi linlin, welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. How's life treating you these days. You sound relieved.

I hope you'll go to the welcome forum and tell us more about yourself.

Leigha, I believe your words. I just have a hard time living by them. That's why I yearn to draw nearer to God every day. A daily prayer of mine is for Him to align my will with His. When this happens, I live as you suggest.

Dannye, I agree. We can't make generalizations. Your words gave me the idea to begin a "men and emotions" post.