Yes, Diane!!! That was my next question...what would all of you advise re/answering or not answering emails or phone calls. And, yes, I do think I have been obsessed with this man. He is a Ph.D. in Psychology and knows how to give just enough positive reinforcement to get a woman hooked....never constant, or reliable, but intermittent -- the most addictive kind. The same with talking to him on the phone -- I always found myself talking too much, explaining too much, accommodating too much, with his manner of questioning me, particularly about my anxiety, thus, making me even more anxious.
Okay...Dianne thinks I've earned he rights to the guitar, and I will certainly not contact him! The INTO YOU book says "cut him off!!" I think that may be best...Despite how obsessed I have been, I DO NOT want to see this man or be in his presence for even a few minutes. I have been humiliated and further contact only enhances that...I know this.
Also, I am returning to my spiritual base, my church, which I have ignored while with this man who believes in "nothing" (his word).
Thanks again all of you!
Ari

I wouldn't answer any phone calls or emails. Let him wonder whats changed about the way you felt. Usually this type of man only wants a woman he thinks he can't have and the minute he pulls you back into his web, he's gone again.

Ask yourself what he might have to say that is so important or life changing? Wanting his guitar back is not an option! I know you will probably be really tempted to answer the phone if you see his name on your caller ID but you will get back a lot of your personal power if you refuse to answer. Do it for yourself!

YES!!! Dianne!~
for reminding me WHY I should not answer communications from this man, email or phone...BECAUSE (and I'm going to remember this! Dianne!), I will get back some of my personal power and lost self-respect by doing so!!!!
Thank you for reminding me of this!
ARI

Ari, you typed...

Also, I am returning to my spiritual base, my church, which I have ignored while with this man who believes in "nothing" (his word).

This is great news. You know you wouldn't want to settle with a man who believes in nothing. Go to church and feel the blessing of His love and grace. He has better days in store for you. Take time to listen and see what that may be.

Hi, and thank you, Smile,
I have been divorced 8 years now, and was never hurt by the ending of my marriage...wanting out of it for most of the 20 year duration. The Ph.D. fella, however, may more accurately fit the category you have described: divorced one year, and not having dated seriously till me (well, sexually anyway). He has never spoken his ex-wife's name, and refers to her bitterly, though I noticed he still has pictures of her in his photo collections of family, friends, etc.
Oh, whatever, I have to take the good advice here and walk away with my few scraps of dignity, and try to grow a new crop of self-respect! Also, as Dotsie says, "Go to church and feel his love and grace." I DO feel that when I am in my church, and have experienced in my past that focusing on this can make the relationship disasters become insignificant by comparison to the amazing love and benefits of seeking spiritual guidance...So...that's how I hope to heal.
ARI

I'm going to disagree with Smile on one issue. With this kind of man, mailing his guitar to him will mean you are looking for a crack in his armor. Searching for a possible opening to talk to him again. Don't do it. If he wants his guitar let him email you about it and then, mail it to him with no response but don't do it on your own. Men like this don't think like normal people.

Dianne,
I am thinking you are correct! I've spent the last three years recovering from a disastrous relationship with a textbook Narcissist. He loved to talk about himself, incessantly, especially after sex! If I tried to interject anything off the subject of HIM, he would wait impatiently for me to finish, so he could resume his monologue. I nearly lost everything...my home...because of him. He left me feeling suicidal, questioning my judgment and ability to discern what was good in a man.. This new man, the Ph.D. in Psychology, during our last visit (the snowstorm when I drove 2 hours to his location), after lovemaking in the evening, instead of cuddling and sharing, we went immediately to his living room, where he sat rocking back and forth talking about himself for an HOUR!!! telling "funny" stories of how he had, in his youth, pretended to be psychotic or suicidal to fool people. It felt eerily similar to the Narcissist! I laughed at his stories, but afterward, I kept thinking, under what circumstances, especially after lovemaking, would I EVER talk about myself for an HOUR????
ARI

On the matter of the guitar, I do not have his mailing address...and I will NOT email him requesting it...That would just look like I seek more communication with him. If he emails or calls suggesting the matter of the guitar, I can then get his address...or leave it out by the trashcans, and has been suggested!

On the matter of answering emails or phone calls, I am loathe to do that also, knowing how skillful he is at communication and how I seem to "come around" to his way of thinking. I recognized early on that I was "obsessing" about this man, and knew my reactions were unhealthy. Hearing him say he was not "in love" with me left me a weeping lump for a whole weekend. I haven't done that ever, EVER, in I don't know when, and at my age, 54, it takes a great toll.


As the book "NOT INTO YOU" says, if he makes you feel bad about yourself (and I have felt seriously flawed in all of this), if he disappoints you, or , even worse, makes you CRY!!!, then that is really bad. I think the wisest thing to do now is "cut him off" completely as the book also says.

At the same time, I am dealing with intense "withdrawal" from this man, who had become an "addiction" to me...I admit it! Perhaps it is like Smile says, but not because of a mourning of my marriage, but because of my extended time alone, and feeling I was better off alone and would never, ever meet another man to whom I was attracted, especially at my age. I have always felt there is nothing more "pitiful" than an over-50 woman making a fool of herself, and that is what I feel I have done.

ARI

Thank you, Unique!!!!
Yeah, I feel emotionally battered at this time, but at the same time, feeling I brought it on myself! So reckless.
ARI