Who writes a 13 page letter of introduction???? I think it is something he has stored on his computer for various potential women
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Actually a lot of people have such letters on their computers these days. I have one. It's called a CV which I send in for job applicaitons.
His letter would have been a social CV and 13 pages is not too long if he's going to cover every last detail.
And often he does need to cover every last detail. Have you heard the story of the plaited belt?

Wow, Sparticuss, You have given this a lot of thought, and it is interesting. The book, NOT INTO YOU, served a purpose for me, at the ending of the relationship, in realizing my needs were not being met, and which he acknowledged he could not fill on an emotional level. Greg (author) does make a valid point in stating that if he (the man) does not do simple things like giving assurance which would end anxiety on the woman's part, then he does not care that her feelings are hurting, and he is "not that into you."
I posted my "epiphany" several weeks after this thread ended, in which the lightbulb question popped into my head: "How much anxiety, self-doubt, nervousness, insecurity, self-recrimination are justified in order to be in the company of a man?" And the stupidly simple answer is "NONE!"...none. The responses I received here while going thru the initial stage of the breakup helped me to regain some of myself.
As for the man's mental state because of being divorced for one year...I questioned him about that on our first date, and was assured that the marriage had been over for many years and he was well recovered. Who knows if that was true, but he was definitely suicidal about it, nor ever was.
Now, what's this about being sexy and intelligent, liking men and sex as a means of attracting and maintaining the relationship? That is totally opposite of the advice I've received on this thread. I WAS, smart, sexy, gently humorous and not a male basher. I was not coy, or demure or teasingly seductive, and felt this intelligent man felt an emotional as well as physical attraction. I deluded myself, and now I am thinking I should have witheld my sexual enthusiasm in exchange for building a solid foundation of respect and friendship. That I did not do so is still a source of embarrassment to me when I think about it, and I still do.
The thirteen page letter of introduction was viewed by me with skepticism and even cynicism and I even mentioned that to him. A sincere short letter TO ME would have made a better impression.
ARI

Would you like a copy of my entire review Aridane?
That is , if I can include it without overloading the board.

The language in it is about as pungent as Gregs and its a good hundred and fifty pages long so its a bit of a read.

You know, I KNOW the NOT INTO YOU book is full of fallacies. One thing I noticed was the mention of how Greg called his wife almost hourly just to say he "was busy." Hmm...sounded kinda insecure and clingy to me. Yet, this was upheld as a perfect behavior...desirable! It would make me rather ill to have a man calling that much.
On the other hand, for someone hurting and feeling rejection by someone I professed to love, the book gave me some temporary validation. I don't need to read it again, but will pass it on to another woman in my place if the circumstances present themselve.

While the book encourages a woman to raise her standards in the men she chooses to get to know, it does not validate singlehood as a desirable status, but simply as an interim till the dream man comes along. So, even by the time I had finished reading the book and gleaning what was a helpful kickstart to my diminished self-esteem, I knew I would not be following the prescription of man hunting as a primary goal.
There is benefit in solitude, especially after a hurtful attempt at intimacy, and in rebuilding peace of mind. That's where I am now.
ARI

One thing I noticed was the mention of how Greg called his wife almost hourly just to say he "was busy." Hmm...sounded kinda insecure and clingy to me. Yet, this was upheld as a perfect behavior...desirable! It would make me rather ill to have a man calling that much.
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Pheewwwww!
Thats a relief to hear.
Ari. You are the first woman, out of literally thousands I've been in discussion with, who has demonstrated enough clear thinking to actually pick ANY fault in the book. The rest of the female population has followed it unthinkingly and blindly. A bunch of sheep that no intelligent man would ever be into.

For instance the book is encouragng women to raise their standards as yoy have said. But those standards are so far ito the troposphere already that raising them any more will put them out of reach of anyone but astronaults.

From the book!

He’s not into you Page 183
Setting your own standards for once.
Sure you say. But I have standards. (Greg)

The real truth
Well m dear. Have I got news for you. You haven’t. All the standards you think you have, about money, loyalty, family, health, relationships, men and pretty much everything else have been rammed down your throat by a combination of media advertising, corporate greed, family and peer group pressures, virtually everything but your own heart and head.
Your standards are not your standards at all.!
You have dumped decent guys and called them absolute barstards due to some petty almost infinitesimal fault and then found yourself with a genuine barstard when the decent guys stopped asking you. Yep, you listened to the girlfriends, or Greg, or anyone but your own heart and brain.
So here’s how you set your standards
Go back to the workbook on page 154 and list the five things you would really like in a man. Go to town! Reach for the stars.
Then list the five things that are absolutely essential in a man.
Now be careful here. Keep it realistic. When you want a millionaire for instance, be prepared for a guy who is too busy to call you from work and neglects you in all sorts of other ways too, simply because he’s busy. When you want a sporting star be prepared to cope with the horde of love letters from other girls who have no respect for your relationship. And be prepared to forgive the occasional fling too. Expect this list to overflow. Sorry Hun! You only get five. Save the overflows by all means but list them as “desirable and not essential.”
This is a matter of setting your standards, and those specific standards are yours. You are too individual to go working to any body else’s standards. Or any of the standards rammed down your throat by the media. This whole idea of “raising your standards” is ridiculous. You are getting into the whole realm of perfect men again.
You don’t raise your standards at all. You identify your particular wants and needs. You set your standards around those wants and needs, not around what Greg persistently tells you are your wants and needs. And that’s where you seek your man from.
Once again PERFECT MEN DO NOT EXIST. Even the perfect one for you is not a perfect man. He’s a “suitable one”

Every year, for example, the March of Dimes organization in Seattle hosts a March of Dimes Bid for Bachelors, where dates with bachelors are auctioned to the women. For the October 18, 1990, event, the chairwoman described the volunteer bachelors as "everyday kinds of guys." These "everyday kind of guys were an artist, a stock broker, a doctor, a hydroplane racer, businessmen and even a retired diplomat." Yea sure!

Finally list the five things that are absolutely intolerable. This is your junkie who, who has raped his own three year old daughter, etc. Don’t make the big mistake of listing petty stuff like snoring or breaking wind in elevators here or you will get a wife basher who doesn’t snore.

Those fifteen are your main guide for your next date, for your next, and hopefully, your final time.

Adrian,

I really admire your courage and candor for posting the details of your situation. You're not alone. Many other women go through varying degrees of what you're experiencing. I will certainly root for you to break free from this man who is hurting you, but I would never, never judge you for going back. In fact, I can relate!

I have my own obsession going on with a man who does not want to be involved with me. I know that he's not right for me and what's worse -- he is definitely not into me, interested in me, polite to me, or even contacting me anymore! But I still want him. I don't want him because he hurts me. I want what we had originally when he was so nice and responsive. But that is long gone.

That is my issue. Whenever I think of this guy, who I will call AJ, I remember the fun we had together hanging out last year. (I never went out with this man. I wanted to but he just wanted to be friends.) I keep thinking that that is the real AJ and that somewhere deep down, that nice Guy AJ will resurface. But guess what? It's not going to happen!

He's changed and maybe he never was that nice to begin with. Right now, I'm trying not to contact him because it just humiliates me when he doesn't respond. I had dinner with a friend a couple of days ago and told her that I had just sent him an e-mail. I told her the story like it was the end of the world, and she just shook her head and said, "So? Who is he in the scheme of things?"

I love that woman! She always makes me feel better. He's nobody in the scheme of things and I don't need to beat myself up if I slip and contact him. My goal is NOT to contact him but if I do screw up, I'm only human.

Sending you love and the strength to break this off. Sigrid

Excuse me, but what does CV stand for? Thanks, LLL

LLL
I know you didn't ask me, but I think it's late in Australia and maybe our male friend went to bed??
Amyway, CV is for Curriculum Vitae = A summary of one's education, professional history, and job qualifications, as for a prospective employer.
smile

Hi all,
Sigrid, I want to recommend the book, DON'T CALL THAT MAN by Rhonda Findling. You can order it thru Amazon.com and it will come shortly. It's a quick read like the NOT INTO YOU book, but more realistic while being compassionate.

Smile...Good to see you! I think Spartacuss is a woman, at least that's what she said in another post, but that she takes on the man's point of view for discussion purposes.

On another topic, Smile!!!, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts about the OKIE NOODLING documentary. I saw it on PBS several years ago, and recently rented it from Netflix. I'm going to buy it when I see it in a video store. And...I laughed out loud at the stories of your own noodling adventures!!!! Also, I had never heard of "telephoning" and that was quite entertaining and educational!!!! You're my kinda gal...except I would never stick my hands in one of those dark holes in the water!!! but, hey, I do love to fish!
ARI

Oh, I misunderstood. I thought sparticuss was a male. Oh well...
I'm not into noodling like they do it on that documentary. Uh uh. No way. I'm just exaggerating.
Like I probably posted somewhere, when I was a kid, the ponds overflowed and the fish got in the ditches so I and my cousins would wade in the muddy water and catch them with our hands in small holes they made in the sides of the ditches. We called it noodling, but it was not like we went into those big catfish caves or anything. The only way we ever caught those 50-60 pound cats was either trot lining or most usually telephoning.
Once or twice when we were in the ditches we saw snakes. But fortunately I never caught one. Hallelujah!! That would have ended my noodlin career forever!!. Hate snakes.
smile