Here's the deal. After nearly 7 years of TRYING to make a relationship work, I finally realized that it was futile and never ever would work. We love eachother, but he is not emotional with me, and I think that emotional connection is what I want more than anything right now. He tells me I am whiney for crying because being alone is so hard for me. He will listen, briefly, but sums it up thusly. He doesn't get it. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings. And why do I need him to validate them??? It is so silly! It is amazing that our relationship lasted this long. I gleaned what was good and tried to ignore the things that were not, until they buried me! We have been splitting up for most of the month of November, even though we have seen eachother a couple of nights a week. We are going to Maui in December for a week, and I hope we can have some fun, although I realize it may be dragging things out. I know we have to split up, we absolutely do, but I don't really want to because I am afraid that I won't be able to stand it. I live in a separate town, so I am more used to being separate. Regardless, at the risk of sounding infantile, I need to be held and comforted! since I can't seem to find it any other way. I am seeing a counselor this Wednesday, thank goodness! Signed - true tragedian

Hi JoanEliza,

A warm welcome to the site. I am glad you chose to come here and share your feelings with us.I also admire you for trying to make your relationship work for 7 years.

You mentioned about going to a counselor this Wed. You are doing something for You and that's a good start. It also shows that you are still committed to making your relationship work. Do you think your other half would consider going along with you?

Maui might be a good idea...getting away can often help change things. It can rekindle a flame and has been known to rekindle a flicker.

"Ignoring things that are not good til they bury you"...guilty here as well.(in my other lifetime )

Joan Eliza...tell us a little more about yourself... I for one would like to get to know you better. You can go to the Welcome forum anytime to do that. Now hurry up and get over there

Online hug comin' right at ya

chickadee

JE, welcome and thanks for jumping right in and sharing.

I bet the counselor will be able to answer your queestion about why you need your feelings validated. I think it's because you're human.

I would check out the counselor and if you like him/her then maybe the two of you can go together. It sounds like you're torn about this separation. Would you stick it out if he's willing to get help?

Meanwhile, draw on your inner strength. You have more than you think you have. I'll offer up prayers for your situation.

Please keep us posted.

Welcome JE--I too think you are very brave to seek help. I would also comment that just because someone doesn't return the feelings you desire, it doesn't mean YOUR wanting them is wrong, or that the emotions you are experiencing are BAD...These feelings are very real for you, therefore important.

Finding out if you can understand them better is certainly a positive step. While I agree with Chick that going on a trip to Hawaii is good for romancing the heart, I also have to add that living day-to-day is AS important and can be where some people have the hardest times. I mean, for me it would be easy to enjoy his company in a beautiful setting such as the islands would offer, but how would I handle life back home after paradise?

I hope you will continue to share with us, and that we can be of some comfort to you. You are welcome here, I can tell you that. We are all sisters here, no exceptions. We really do live by Dotsie's motto, "friends heal friends."

Hugs, JJ

Hi JoanEliza!

What you see is what you'll get. Trust me! My husband claims he doesn't know how to be there for me emotionally and maybe he doesn't. Or, maybe he just doesn't want to be. Some men can't handle emotional things.

I cried, yelled, begged, etc. He still doesn't go there with me so you know what? I don't take him there anymore. I used to share things with him and don't anymore. I have close girlfriends that I share with. I figure my husband is the loser on this.

Do yourself a favor. Run! People don't change and you are not going to get over needing a man who hears your emotional or even happy feelings. It's natural to need and want to share with the person you love. You'll miss out on true intimacy, which isn't fun.

Welcome JoanEliza to our forum and the Boomers. You my dear are so not alone...After my first husband died, I remarried only to get divorced 14 years later, he was a mean drunk not to me but my son from marriage #1. I was then alone for 14 years but remarried because I longed for and craved the emotional contact with another person, hah!!! I married an emotional cripple and never did have the emotional (or physical, another even worse story) support I needed. I have learned to give myself the emotional support I need and to trust my Boomer sisters and other good friends. You didn't say if this man was a good husband to you in other ways. I've dealt with thousands of men over the years and have found most unable to commit emotionally, they seem devoid of an ability for emotion. You are going on a trip to Paradise. make the most of it, relax and enjoy the good in this man. If all he lacks is emotion and doesn't cheat or abuse you, then you are ahead of most women I know. Remember also the grass is not necessarily greener on someone elses lawn. Think about it and I'm sure you'll do the right thing for you... welcome once again.

To Chickaddee, Dotsie, Chatty Lady, Diane and Jaw Jaw. Thank you for your wise, loving and supportive words. Here's the real scoop. Mike lacks the ability to express his emotion, but doesn't cheat or abuse me, but that's just not enough!. OK, he cares for me and pampers me, but I absolutely HATE his lifestyle! I can't stand the mess of a house he has that he will never fix. His yard is totally full of junk. All valuable of course. He makes false promises to me almost daily. There never is any heat in the house. When I say I am cold, he asks me why. Most of his friends are knuckle dragging dummies. I'm into poetry and art. We rarely do what I want to do. Its all about his projects and his priorities. It is never about OUR priorities and what is best for US. There is no future for US. Nope, we are not the best match, let me tell you. On top of that he is a bigoted person. We have different political beliefs and after the election when I felt it was safe to admit who I voted for, he called me an idiot and was verbally abusive to me. He calls the homeless thieving lazy bums. Then he takes me home and holds me all night like a baby and I fall to pieces! Now that I am moving my stuff out of the house to my apartment, he has started treating me really nice. I was with him the last two nights and he treated me like a princess. We went to a party and these people he works with started saying that we were going to get married in maui. His boss asked me if I wanted to and I said I used to but Mike doesn't want to. Then they really got on his case. How ironic!

Anyway, this is very hard to figure out! I am going to Maui and be there for a week, and then I am coming back and moving my stuff hopefully most of it. If I sound confused, it is because I am. I do want someone to love me. When the time is right, and I really pull the plug on this, and I'm not sure exactly when that will be... it will be very very hard for me. But I am determined. The grass is really greener on the other side. Its going to have to be me loving myself, at least for a while. I just need to get the gumption to make it happen. It won't be before the end of the year, I'm sure of that. Oh my counselor reallly supported me doing this MY WAY and not rushing into things. My plan it to cut back on us seeing eachother, which I have. We're only together about half the time. Then I'll try to stop talking so much on the phone. If I can just get to the point where I don' HAVE to talk to him that will really help! I'm creeping in that direction, but not very successully.

Thanks again to all for listening.
Maybe you girls can help me through this.

I'll go to the welcome section and post a little more about myself.

JE

JE, whatever you do, don't marry him while you're away. That isn't his plan, is it?

Please be strong. You mentioned many legitimate reasons for making the break. One can't be married and be slefish. It doesn't work. He sounds like he will love you as long as you cooperate with all his wishes. Ewww.

Thanks for keeping us to date. I'll pray you'll be strrong and make a clean break. Get on the computer and talk to us instead of cahtting withim on the phone. We'll get you through this.

Dear, Dear JE...You are definitely in an emotional upheaval now, but from your last post it seems you do know rationally that the relationship isn't good for you, but ah, the emotions!, the romance of the heart! How to separate the two? I've been single all my life, I'm 55 now. Have been in many relationships, one very much like you described. I knew we were so different - he was a slob, I liked dishes washed at least once a week, he thought my money was his money, the cartoons on sat were the best - I was wanting to watch the history channel, and on and on. I realized that while I thought I "loved" him - he gave me emotional support by at least being around so I felt good that someone cared for me, he would hold me and be nice once in a while, -- I realized that I didn't "LIKE" him. The things I hated about him outweighed the small comforts I got from him. I learned to like and love myself enough to get comfort from me - and not from another person who I really didn't like. It was a waste of my life to make it 'work'. Why have a guy around who you think so little of and almost hate just to get a few moments of what he thinks is love?? And like you, we separated and he freaked. Said he would change, wanted me back so desparately. So we tried again - for about 5 minutes. I knew that those inate differences were never going to change -- all the flowers he would bring and the trips we took didn't make a dent in those differences of day to day life. I deserved much more, and so do you. You will survive as a single person, you don't need to be a part of a non-functional couple especially if you are unhappy. Look for love and comfort thru your real friends and let yourself be available for when a real friend becomes a lover..

Love is such an imperfect thing and yet the most valuable if it is real. But how do we know? Can we ever love anyone if we don't first love ourselves? We don't want someone exactly like ourselves, but how many differences do we allow without losing our selves? Is it love or merely affection and communication that we seek?

JE, It sounds as if your decision is between making him happy and being happy yourself though it also probably makes you happy at times to have him in your life.
Maybe you could separate the man he IS from what he DOES. It is probably impossible to like everything another person DOES, but if we love them, we will surely like who they ARE.

People can change what they do, but they never seem to change who they are.

Coming back here often will surely help you get through this.
smile