Kay5,

My ex likes porn. It always bothered me during our marriage, so he hid it from me. In fact, recently I told him that I'd found porn in our son's room and of course, he pointed out that he likes porn and sees nothing wrong with it. I told him and I told my son that I think it harms men's relationships with real women.

But you say your husband suddenly works 10-12 hours a day. Are you sure about that? My ex started to do that also or so he said. But it turned out he was having an affair, which led to the end of our marriage. I also am pretty sure he was visiting prostitutes. Or call girls. I say this because I found some evidence on the credit card bills.

DJ
I suppose anything is possible, but , in this case it really is work that has him away from home. And my husband is not distant to me, in fact all the little indicators of hand holding, hugging, kissing me goodbye every time he leaves the house are ever present.
I know, I know.....I don't want to be like so many women and have a blind eye to the possibility he is having an affair. In my gut, I don't have any sense that is the case - I feel 99.99% sure of that. (Yes, I guess you have to leave it open that anything is possible).

I am not unhappy in my marriage, just distressed with the porn. I have decided when the time is right for a discussion on the topic with him, I will use some of the input I have rec'd on this forum. Specifically, that viewing porn is considered by some (Dr. Phil etc.) to be a form of cheating on your spouse.

DJ
I suppose anything is possible, but , in this case it really is work that has him away from home. And my husband is not distant to me, in fact all the little indicators of hand holding, hugging, kissing me goodbye every time he leaves the house are ever present.
I know, I know.....I don't want to be like so many women and have a blind eye to the possibility he is having an affair. In my gut, I don't have any sense that is the case - I feel 99.99% sure of that. (Yes, I guess you have to leave it open that anything is possible).

I am not unhappy in my marriage, just distressed with the porn. I have decided when the time is right for a discussion on the topic with him, I will use some of the input I have rec'd on this forum. Specifically, that viewing porn is considered by some (Dr. Phil etc.) to be a form of cheating on your spouse.

Kay5,

I have really stepped up flirting and "engaging" my husband.

They so need to feel like they are "wanted men". I figure if I don't do it, somebody else will.

Sex isn't as important to me as affection is - but I am mindful of what HE needs.

It has made HIM a more attentive husband (like now, he just walked in to check my coffee situation - isn't that sweet).

I know sometimes I get tired of being the family caretaker - and that I'm always "putting out" for others...I also figure that I reep what I sow...and as I said, I'm begining to see it come back from my husband after 20 years.

For ladies who still have a twinkle of hope in their marriage - be creative -- be flirty -- be wild -- be confident! Most men love that!

danita

[ September 26, 2005, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Danita ]

Marriage is work, no matter how you look at it. That being said, if something hurts the other partner it is wrong, no matter what it is. For a small ex: Say your husband tells a joke that offends you. It stops being a joke, when it offends or hurts the other person. You can apply porn or anything else to this.
Personally, I think if a man looks at porn, he is not sitting there just looking, more is going on through his head and/or body and mind. I would ask, "If God came for you while you were watching porn, would you feel you would be ready to meet him?" I am sorry, but I am up front and honest in what I believe. I did not mean to offend anyone though!

Junbebug, I agree with what you've said and Danita seems to have her man under control so to speak. Like I said earlier, no solution fits all. Unfortunately there will always be porn and someone to look at it. I do not now nor have I ever agreed with the premise that it is okay. It has never caused any marriage to be better, nor caused a man to want and/or love his wife more. It is a bad and hurtful thing. I totally agree with Dr. Phil, its cheating even if its just time he is taking away from his wife, but it is never ever just time. Usually what starts out with a dirty magazine escalates over time to TV porn then computer porn and wanting more so the adult store boths and then the strip clubs and the lap dances and on and on and on. It is never enough for their male egos. I still think that when they say theres nothing wrong with porn, say to them okay then lets discuss it with "your" mother!! Amazing how defensive they become then. Oh if only this were a perfect world, heck I'd still be happily married.

[ September 26, 2005, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Danita,

I am so on the same page with you! In fact after my first discovery of the porn that my husband was viewing, I sat back and really looked at myself and our relationship.

I confess that I had not always put him first - with children at home it was easier to fall into the trap of doing for them all of the time; and whatever was leftover ,was what I had to give to my husband. Not a good regime, I knowl

So, that is when I made the decision to put his needs first - pay more attention to him (flirt , and be overall a better wife and partner) and US - the couple. It has paid off, I think, in many wonderful ways. So, I was very disappointed and saddened when I made the more recent discoveries of his porn viewing.

Maybe old habits are hard to give up?

I don't want to make this an issue that comes between us, however, I do plan to address it with him- AGAIN. I am lucky that my husband is very considerate and I think he will understand my distress once I make my feelings extremely clear!~

And thanks to all of you.....from almost every entry I have taken away some bit of insight to the situation- or about myself. I feel more empowered and secure to make my marriage the best it can be!

I was also very upset when I discovered my husband was looking at porn on my laptop. I kind of got suspicious when he put a password on his
account (he's not very computer savvy). I found out one day when I was doing a virus scan and there were certain words showing up on the files being scanned. They were all temporary internet folders under his account name. He denied and denied it and I knew he was lying. He finally fessed up. I was more upset that he lied so vehemently and got mad at me for not believing him! And he wonders why I am still convinced that he cheated on me in the past...How do you believe someone who lies so much?
My biggest problem with the porn is that I try so hard to keep our marriage holy. I gave up
contracepting years ago because I came to believe that it was leaving God out of a very important part of our relationship. It separates the sexual act with procreation, which is basically what porn does.

I would never assume that I have my husband "under control"...I'm just doing my best to keep him entertained! LOL!

Kay, good for you for seeing how you could improve things for the two of you.

I'm sure you know, when approaching him, timing is everything!

Keep the faith!

danita

how do you "hack" into his computer? We had a "discussion" about this just last week. I asked him why every time I came downstairs to basement when he was on computer that he immediately closed the site? After I confronted him about this and other things that led up to this, he said that he goes in chat rooms. I asked him if he was having a "cyberaffair" and he said' yeah, I'm having sex with the computer". I have to admit that I have gotten to the point that I don't even attempt sex anymore and I have very little interest. I am 51 yrs old. it has never been good, now it is almost nonexistent. He has "magic pills" that
are never used. I joked when he got them , I think he was given 10 pills, I joked with him that they would last us 10 yrs! I makes me feel better knowing that my husband is not the only guy out there not interested in sex, although I do admit that I do not even make the effort either. but agai, how do I get into his computer to see what he is looking at? (I am not computer literate) It took me awhile to figure out how to even send these posts!