To put it plain and simply --- My husband doesn't get along with our daughters (17 & 15). I guess they all love each other but they certainly don't like each other. I'm putting the blame in my husband's court because he is the parent and they are the children.

I've been at home with our girls for 15 years. I know them very well and, for obvious reasons, know what it's like to be a girl. My husband grew up with 2 brothers and a mother who worked outside of the home. His mom has more of the personality of the typical man.

My husband travels frequently for business while I'm at home maintaining the fort. While he's gone, the 3 of us operate like a well-oiled machine. When he's home, he gums up the works and our family is off-kilter. Pun intended --- he's an engineer who supervises the design of multi-million dollar machines for the corrugating industry.

My husband was a fabulous Daddy to our girls all through their early childhood. But as they both turned 12 and became young women who don't see the sun rising and setting in him, he's got no idea how to relate to them.

I've tried to lead him to water but he won't drink! We subscribe to Daughters newsletter, but he rarely reads it. He's gone to one therapy session with our older daughter and me, but hasn't gone back. When he complains to me about what one of our girls isn't doing right, I tell him to talk to them about his concerns. He grumbles and says, "They won't listen to me." I've told him, "You can keep complaining to me about what they do or don't do, or you can do something about your concerns by talking to the girls with or without a counselor mediating." He just rolls his eyes at me, grumbles, and then goes to his cave in the basement to play on the computer.

I should mention that our girls aren't smoking, pregnant, drinking, or doing drugs. The only body parts that are pierced on them are their ears. They don't have tatoos. They are both excellent students (although my older daughter just got a "C" in Latin V --- horrors!).

Our younger daughter takes all GT classes, rides horses, volunteered at the local nature center, swims on the neighborhood swim team, and is a great kid. Our older daughter took 5 AP classes last year. She's in the Honor Society, is working on her Girl Scout Gold Award, designed the websites for the local Girl Scout troop and community, taught herself the Elvish language, is teaching herself Japanese, is an expert seamstress and knitter and, in my opinion, is a great kid. So, she's moody. So, she hasn't gotten a job this summer. So, she doesn't get up and run to the door when her father comes home. So, she'd rather read than go for a bike ride with her dad. So, what!

My husband says that I'm too easy on our girls. I counter that I'm here day in and day out and that I see a bigger picture of them while he sees only a snapshot. When he sees something that he doesn't like, he zeros in on it and focuses on the negative. When I told him, "There's no pleasing you" he got angry and stormed off to his cave.

Sigh --- I love them all but know that it's not my job to fix my husband's relationship with his daughters. He's a smart guy. He could learn how to relate better with them. But, only if he wants takes the responsibility to do so.

Any ideas from my fellow BoomerWomen?

My SIL is going through the same thing. "What happened to the little girl that loved and cherished me for so many years and thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread?"

Maybe he's feeling left out. I think girls go through a time frame when they simply relate to mom better. Women understand girls and vice versa.

He might feel like none of you need him since you operate the house fine without him. You know, men can be kind of childish sometimes and just not understand and God forbid, they would be the ones to reach out and be the adult! My husband also works in another state so I've started saving up things for him to do when he's home that require manual labor. He seems to appreciate it and stays busy cleaning the yard up and also the garage. It's fine with me. I don't like heavy work. This might make him feel better and maybe you could talk to your girls about it so they will be aware that he's feeling left out. Just my 2 cents here.

Also Misfire many girls when they are young women in their 20's and away at college grow closer to their dad. Plus when they marry and he walks them down that isle it seems to erase all the past negatives. I speak from experience with my own dad and he and my mom were estranged, not a happy couple like you two....I would ask the girls to understand that daddy is missing his "little" girls....

Yes, I remember going through this too and them mom and I had a little chat. She reminded me about how special my father was and how he just needed a little bit of my attention. That was all it took a little bit of attention again and he was fine.
He forgave easy and we had a great relationship.
Maggie

Misfire, here's a thought...I think one on one is the best way to relate to our children. We do a lot of dividing and conquering in our home. Ross, or I will take one of the kids off for a meal, game, road trip, whatever, and leave the rest behind. It's a perfect opportunity to catch up without the distraction of the other kids.
Do you think your husband might like to do something like that?

Dianne mentioned a good point. HE may very well feel left out.

Thank you for all of your insights.

Here I want to wash my hands of all responsibility and just blame my husband for his crummy relationships and you guys give me ideas. Well, I did ask for it.

Even though my husband frequently comments that he's glad that I'm independent and able to handle our family stuff without him, he's probably feeling left out --- even if, being a guy, he doesn't even know that that's what he feels.

I'll talk to our daughters and ask them to consider asking Daddy to help them with something, asking him to go with them somewhere, or, God forbid, asking his opinion about something. I'm still willing to "lead the horses to water."

Just a point- My Dad was in the military, traveled without the family and he lived his entire middle age years regretting that he was nota part of our lives. I think it really ate him up. He never sat down and spoke to us girls about it but it would eek out at certain times and he was so melancholy about it.

I'm glad I was able to tell him how great a Dad he was just a few days before he died unexpectedly. That was divine intervention. I wish I had him now so that he could enjoy his grandson more than he was able to and we could reassure him taht he was a great Dad.

Lynn

Misfire, I decided to relieve my husband of chores when he visited on the week end and it was the wrong move. He was LOOKING for things to do! I realized then that he truly wanted to work around the house and not have me stepping in to make it easier for him. He loves his home and especially since he lives in an executive apartment all week with no yard, no nothing to work on. I guess it's a guy thing and part of that male pride and ownership. I'm even saving a leaking toilet for him to fix this week end!

I've decided to call a "family meeting" and express my feelings about the upsetness that exists between my husband and our daughters. I don't know what he's thinking and feeling and I don't know what our girls are thinking and feeling. All I know is what I'm thinking and feeling.

I'm assuming that the situation bothers the rest of my family but maybe it doesn't. All I know is that I'm not responsible for anybody else's thoughts, feelings, and behavior except for my own.

My job is not to be the peacemaker even though it's so tempting to return to the ways of my childhood.

I'll let you know what happens. Wish me luck.

In case anybody's interested ---

Family life has improved in my house.

The family meeting that I initiated went well.

My husband expressed his feelings to our daughters and they listened. He was feeling unappreciated and "out of the loop." I don't think that our daughters realized how hurt he was by the way that they talk to him. I made it clear that I will no longer be the "go-between" or the peacemaker. I am very relieved. All is out in the open. Of course, we still have upsetness and disagreements, but at least I'm not taking responsibility for all of it anymore and we have a means for handling it. :-)