[QUOTE]Originally posted by Optimumsteps:
Also, pray, that usually helps too. Maybe you will not notice right away, but God does have His own timing and He knows best.

I do pray and pray... I truly do believe that God knows what he is doing. Just doesn't help the hurt while I'm finding my way. The hurt is more in not understanding why.. He is always telling me and others how much I spoil him. And when we are intimate, he tells me how much he loves being with me. I can tell his words are really heart felt. But then he does stuff like this. It's almost like he is scare to show his vulnerability and that he might actually need someone.

If you don't mind me asking (and you can private email me) but what issues came out that your husband had?

Thanks for listening.

It's okay. Basically, his childhood. His younger brother is handicap and in those days they didn't know what was the matter with him. Until his brother was 21, he was finally diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. During Richard's childhood, his mother put most of her attention on his brother. Also, she took out her frustrations on Richard. She was also physically ill and she was on medication. We think that between the meds, and her putting most of her energy into her handicap son. She took it out on my husband when he was a boy.

It must've hurt him, but I had no idea about that either. I think that also made him cold, as a defense mechanism.

I feel your frustration on the praying part. I had my issues with God, but when all is said and done. In hindsight, you understand why things worked out the way it did.

I had to leave Richard in order for him to get the help that he needed. I certainly didn't know that at the time.

As I said, God knows best!

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

You and your husband have set up a habit that is now hard to break. He looks at porn, contacts his ex, exchanges intimate e-mails/photos then gets caught by you.

You ask him why and he says "I don't know." You try to press the issue and he turns the conversation focus from him to you. Typical defensive mechanism.

You say you started therapy but your husband stopped going after a month. Did you confront him on this? What was his reason for stopping? Did you tell him that your marriage depended on him going? Have you told him that his marriage is in jeopardy?

I don't see where there is any acceptance on your husband's part for the problems in your marriage. He's been noncommital at best.

I would do as suggested, create a pro/con sheet and decide for yourself if you're willing to continue the relationship. You say that you don't want to pay the price of staying in the relationship with yourself or your dignity. I agree. Once you've lost that, you'll put up with basically anything and he'll know that. You must be firm with your resolve. Don't back down. Once you do, he'll grab onto that and push further.

Make him go back to counseling. He has definite issues that need to be addressed. If possible, he should continue counseling on his own as well as couple counseling.

If your husband truly wants to make your marriage work, he must put in an effort. Watch for those signs to show you he cares abour your relationship. If he doesn't, it might be time for you to make a hard decision.

Maybe you should check with an attorney before packing up and leaving. In some states that can be legally defined as 'abandonment' and result in the loss of all the marital property.

It might be a good idea to make financial preparation whether you ultimately decide to end the marriage or not.

I'm sure lots of boomers are praying for you.
smile

Dear Smilinize: That's a given.. I'm already sending money to a girlfriend in another state which is is putting away in her name. Untraceable to me. I will check with an attorney before making any final decisions. The first marriage I was left only with my daughter (who is the most precious gift to me) so I got the best of what he had to give. The second I won't be so naive.

You know what's so sad? I knew I was be wife number 3, but he was so attentive toward me and was so in touch with my feelings, I really thought that maybe he had learned something or the other's just didn't get it. I truly believe everyone deserves the benefit of doubt. Sad, isn't it, I fell in love with him because of the amount of respect he had for me as a woman. The fact that I was top of the list in his life for matter of importance. How hurt he was because both of his previous wives "cheated" on him. Guess that's why it's hurt so badly. Of all the things I knew men could be, I truly didn't think he would do this because he knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of it. I simple didn't see this one coming.

Thanks for the cheers and prayers...

Hurtangel,

Sending prayers and hugs your way!

D.

Did his ex's tell you THEY cheated on him or did he tell you that? Sounds like this man has a history of cheating one way or another. I mentoned to someon else in another similar post that:
WE ARE TREATED THE WAY WE ALLOW SOMEONE TO TREAT US, ACT LIKE A DOOR MAT AND THEY'LL CONTINUE TO WALK ALL OVER YOU.....

Your situation reminds me of my own, my ex also acted like he worshipped the ground I steped on and I was Queen in his eyes, it was all an act but since he has no computer at home its dirty magazines etc. he spends his time with. I tried for many years to look the other way because he except for his porn, treated me so well. But sooner or later you realize its all bull and if he really did love and respect you there would be NO need for a counselor or endless discussions of his wrong doings. Wake up, walk away and live, love and be happy elsewhere but make sure you get what you deserve, don't cut yourself short and instead of feeling sad about losing this lying, cheating jerk, think of the humiliation and hurt hes caused you and know he'll do the same thing to the next unsuspecting female he come across. They NEVER change!!!

In "Fatal Addiction, Ted Bundy's final interview with James Dobson," Ted Bundy speaks of the dehumanization that he experienced as a result of being exposed to porn as a young man. He also spoke of the need for increasingly brutal images in order to achieve sexual gratification and how he ultimately began to act out the fantasies in the sadistic porn that he evolved to.
His intellect and the detached way he tells his story is terrifying, but enlightening. I felt that he may have been trying to use porn as an excuse for his horrific actions and certainly most men who view porn don't become mass murders, but I wondered if he was right about the dehumanizing effects of porn.

I guess that's just a footnote and may not apply to your situation hurtagnel, but porn certainly seems to be a powerful force in the culture of the twenty-first century.
Prayer may be the only anecdote and boomer prayers are being heard every day as I'm sure they are for you today.
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