Hi, I'm new here, but need to reach out for I have no one to talk to about this. Yes, I have talked and talked and talked to my husband but as you know I get the same ole' answers over and over... "I don't know", "I don't remember", blah, blah, blah.... Anyway - a brief history.. I have been married to my husband for 10 years (I'm 45). We had the "typical" step parenting problems which I really thought we could work out as a "team". In the beginning we did. Then the relationship with his daughter (who really isn't & I'll get into that if need be).. Let's just say, she (the daughter) doesn't know. And my hat's off to this man for taking respondibility for this roll in the child's life. I truly believe that he is so "guilty" about this fact that he allows the daughter power she should never have had/has. I feel I must cover this issue because he drags the issue of her and I not getting along every time we talk/argue. The child is now 23.

Okay, now to the subject.. .. In Oct 2000 my husband was transferred to Philadelphia. We as a couple still had our (my) youngest daughter finishing her senior year. We decided not to pull her out of school and let her graduate in SC. So I stayed in SC while he moved to PA. I didn't realize it then but BIG MISTAKE! It was during this time he reconnected with one of his Ex's. (He has 3, two he married, one he didn't) He had children with all three, none with me except my daughter from a previous marriage. It was during this time that I feel his adult children and Ex's were able to lay the guilt on thick... Because things haven't been the same since. Anyway, we were working through other issues with the daughter (23 YR OLD) and some hugh mistakes I made with our finances. A couple months after he relocated, I discovered that he had been emailing (chatting, webcam, photos, etc) with the Ex. VERY INTIMATE I might add. When I shared my discovery with him - his response was "he didn't think I would come to PA and thought the marriage was over." I asked why hadn't he discussed this with me, and needless to say, his response "dahh, I don't know." How typical.. Well, now I began to "LOOK". I put spy software on our computer and saw so many doors to deception. I was married to this man for 6 years and had no idea. First of all, I trusted him, so I didn't have reason to look, now I did. I saw he was looking at porn, lingerie, and was even signing up for yahoo, hotmail, etc., and was signing up for "adult chat" and also was receiving photos from his 1st Ex as well. Needless to say we had a difficult year. But I thought we had worked it out. We even got into therapy - which he stop joining me after a month. I still remember the therapist telling me when we were one on one that most porn issues have nothing to with the porn but has everything to do with something lacking inside the man. I guess that is why I have tolerated it. But here we are 4 years later and I rediscovered that he has again been using a secret email address and his 1st Ex is once again sending him lingerie photos. This time I got angry and told him that I can love him unconditionally but not at the cost of my pride. And he shouldn't want me to either. This time I confronted the Exwife as well, which she states she didn't know it was him she thought she was sending them to her daugther. What kind of mother sends intimate pictures of herself to her 23 year old daughter?!He says, I don't remember. He did finally admit that he was wrong and shouldn't have done it. Which is a first. But I feel his issues are way beyond that and my patience is out. He has this need to look at beautiful women, cartoons too! He definitly has serious issues! But I do not want to throw away 10 years of marrage either. This just happened last week, so I guess we'll see. But what worries me is the pattern always stays the same, he gets caught, stops for a little while, then it begins again... And everytime I bring the subject up he reminds me of my financial errors years ago and how his daughter will not call him at the house because of me. He really tries hard to refocus the conversation. My response to him is well, maybe YOU need to call her from home so she knows you will call whenever you want to (caller ID) and I may have made mistakes, but never have I invited anyone into our bedroom. I could go on and on, sorry this is so long, but I am at my witts end on this matter... Any advise??

Hi Cathi,
Thanks and bold is the only way to go... Yes, I am an "outsider looking in". And no, 10 years of marriage isn't the only reason. I do love this man. When there are no interference (guilt) he and I are fun together. He has a lot of Pros as you speak of. Problem is I have extremely strong morals and itimacy is one of them. But I also believe that when you marry you marry for better or worse. Problem is I'm not sure if the worse if worth my dignity? This time, my response to him was - "No more! I WILL NOT talk to him about this again!" Which I mean. I'll just keep watching and if he happens again, I'll back up a truck and start my life anew. But not at the cost of just myself. Because while I am extremely sensitive, I too, am extremely vengeful. Leo in me I guess. My daughter always tells me... Mom, you are a cat, you watch and watch and then you pull you prey in... LOL.. And yes, I do know and realize it takes two to tango. His excuse was not acceptable to me - my response to him was "how about, I'm married, no thank you!" Thanks for your reply.

Here is another thought. In a way I have some personal experience with this situation.

My husband finally went to a councelor, and what happened was he had to workout/deal with some issues going way back as far as his childhood. Issue that he forgot about, but was still buried deep down inside.

In other words, there might be some other underlying issues that your husband hasn't come to terms with and this is his way of dealing with them. Granted, not a good way of dealing with it, it is possible that this is the only way he knows how. This is where the counceling can help.

Of course, this is a supposition on my part and based on what you have told me.

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

I am personally opposed to the over use of the term 'addiction' for every human weakness, but apparently an increasing number of people identify themselves as porn addicts.
Our church offers a porn recovery program that is growing rapidly. Our pastor spoke of it in a sermon and gave statistics to show that the rate of porn viewing has increased drastically with the expanding use of the internet and that the level of porn increases over time (i.e. barely dressed to nude to actual sex acts to perverse acts).
He made the point, that viewing porn is not a problem of a relationship, but of the individual. However, there is a statistical tie betwen viewing porn, infidelity, drug use, and other social problems.
He also pointed out that ultimately addiction begins in the spirit and therefore must be treated spiritually. Anecdotal evidence indicates that addicts do not seek help until a crisis such as divorce is impending. But apparently there is help for those who want it.

Porn addiction does not explain the personal emails and photos, but maybe addiction to porn could be part of the problem for your husband. If so, I'm sure there are programs wherever you are to help him.
smile

[ June 20, 2005, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Thanks, I do feel these are some deep issues within him. Only because he doesn't seem any different with me overall. And this time, it seem to hit home a little more because when it comes down to it - when you are just as agressive with him, he backs down.

He left home at 16 and hasn't been back. While on the surface it seems he has a loving relationship with his parents, I can't help but think there is more to it. He has this "need" to be "needed" which is why I believe he feels he must still "fix" his adult children. He also seems to thrive on pass women still wanting him. He constantly reminds himself of that. When we were in therapy the therapist also told me (he wasn't there) that it she believes it is hard for him because I was a stronger person than he was. I didn't need him. I want him in my life because I really do enjoy his friendship, but I surely do not NEED him in my life. I have survived so much alone, (many other issues for another time) and I'll surely survive it again.

He tells me that he left because the only way he could save a good relationship with his parents was to leave. Now, his father, good man in my opnion, puts his mother on the #1 lists. And has NO PROBLEMS letting everyone know that Mom is first! His brother got ill very young and required a lot of their time. His mom told me she felt my husband never truly understood that even though he says he does. He was only 7 at the time his brother got sick.

Problem is.. he so homophobic and believes he does not have issues, he's the man. How did you get yours into therapy??

Dear Smilinize,
I agree with you 100% as to the personal emails and photos. And to me speaks volumes of the kind of woman his Ex is. I think that is what frustrates me most is how stupid do these two think I am?? He told me he thought she was sending him pictures of the kids... LOL.. Again he brought up, my problems with his children and how they want nothing to do with me so this is why... BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! I told him they why after the first email did he continue to receive them? HIM: head down, no response. Also when I confronted the Ex wife she said she sent them in error. MY RESPONSE: 20 times????

My husband and I have since sat down and talked about this and I told him I loved him but not at the expense of my dignity. He said how was your dignity hurt, it was his that was hurt - he got caught and he shouldn't have down it. But he still can't tell me why? I told him and will continue to say - he knew exactly what the pictures were which is why he signed up for a different email address.

This was a complete surprise, because after years of having marital problems. I tried several times to get him to go to counceling with me. He would always say that it was a good idea, then procrastinate, and I always ended going alone.

I finally decided to leave him, he didn't think I would do it. When I did, he begged me to stay, and then when that didn't work this time, he finally went to counceling. My leaving was the final push for him to finally go and get the counceling that he so much needed.

We were separated for 8 months, and then I decided to try to work things out with him. Now we have been seeing this same councelor together. This councelor, a male, did not sugar coat things with him either. He was told that he was a narcissist and an extremely selfish person. But that he wanted to help him.

We have been back together for a year and a half now. This does not mean that everything is rosy 100%, nothing ever is.

I just hope that there can be a solution for you, or at least a starting point. Also, pray, that usually helps too. Maybe you will not notice right away, but God does have His own timing and He knows best.

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

BTW Smile, I agree with you. I think the word addiction is an excuse for most people. If this is an addiction, well, people for years have overcome addiction to many different things.

Love and Hugs,
Cathi