Oregon Sue, sorry for the pain you felt at that time in your life and may I remark on what a lovely comment you posted. Great advice and shared wisdom....

Oregon Sue, thanks for sharing such wise thoughts. I especailly liked your comment about hearing a forgotten sound. Women forget the choice of a better life filled with laughter and good times when feeling STUCK in a relationship with low self-esteem, often from being beaten down verbally by a spouse. YUK!

Sue, I hope you'll go in the welcome forum and introduce yourself.

Oregon Sue is right on when she says this is an addiction. He probably doesn't even know why he does it--he's just driven to it. The problem with addicts, whether it's alcohol or something else, is that they are in total denial about the addiction, and if you bring it up, they get angry to try to shut you up. They're stuck in a cycle, where their anxiety level goes up, and they self-medicate by losing themselves in the addiction, because it helps them detach from reality and calms them down. There's a part of them that's totally devoted to the addiction and will put it ahead of anything else. But then there's that other part, that's loving to you. This is what makes it Soooo difficult--it's like he's two different people, and you don't want to lose the loving person. Just when you convince yourself you can't deal with it any more, he does something really considerate, or makes you laugh, or connects with you in some way, and you get all confused again. I don't know the answer. But if you stay, it helps to be really clear in your own mind that this is HIS problem, you owe absolutely no guilt about it, and you're not doing anything wrong, despite all his attempts to blame you. And to speak your truth to him, without shame or apology--tell him this is unacceptable to you, that he's hurting you and it's wrong.

Seems to me the term 'addiction' is way over used.

Habit maybe, but the term 'addiction' is being corrupted from its original meaning. Originally it meant that a person's cells and tissues had become so dependent upon the presence of a drug that the addict would experience adverse physical symptoms if the drug was withdrawn.

Nowadays, "addiction" is an excuse for about anything.

I din't think blue's husband is addicted. I think he's just pushing her as far as she will go.

However, if he doesn't STOP emailing the other woman, maybe he should experience some adverse physical symptoms like a swift kick to his posterior and rapid eviction from blue's life.
Just my thoughts on a crabby day.
smile

A friend of mine stopped in this afternoon she was smiling for the first time in awhile. It seems her husband had become too intereted of late in porn on the computer and pleasuring himself, so I gave her an answer to give to him when he says there is nothing wrong with it.

You see a man I speak to on my job usually twice each week was found out by his spouse. This story is funny in a way....He works from home and she outside the home. She rises early and he works late so sleeps in. One morning he arose and went downstairs to get his coffee. She decided to stay home and be playful this particular day and hid in the spare room. She waited about 20 minutes and tip toed downstairs dressed in her flimsiest negligee. She thought she heard talking and so she listened near the study door. What she heard shocked her and when she finally peeked inside there he was on the phone with self in hand saying loving things to someone on the other end. She went into the kitchen picked up the phone and said, "don't be shy witch-B come on over"....Needless to say after composing himself, he made the usual excuses, it means nothing, what are you doing home blah, bla, bla, bla, blah...He went up, dressed and stormed out of the house as he shouted "how dare you invade my privacy." When he got home later that evening with a huge bouquet of flowers in hand he found her mother and father, his sisters and brother-in-laws and his own mother sitting in the living room. His wife stood and said, "alright what you are doing is not wrong you say, I am wrong. Tell it to the family and see what they have to say. I dare you." Pretty smart lady I would say. It seems he was put through the wringer pretty good and the marriage is still in tact....

The man that has one or more of these addictions doesn't mind if you know as the wife but doesn't want anyone else to know and thats ALWAYS the case.

I told my friend the story and she threatened to bring her husbands family into it and he stopped. They took a long vacation and he got rid of the computer all together. She is thrilled and brought me a wonderful book she knew I wanted to get. She thinks I am a genius, NOT! I learned this from my phone sex customer, he called me once more to say good-bye and told me the story of what happened. I wished him well and told him to be honest and he'd be happier....

So you see they never want anyone to know of their perversions, why not???
Because ITS WRONG thats why not....

Addiction happens when a person chooses to do anything that masks their pain. Putting a needle in one's arm, taking that drink, pulling the handle on a slot machine, shopping, working too much, the list goes on and on. Any behavior that takes one away from their loved ones, destroys marriages and families, causes job loss, creates financial problems, these are a few of the measures of whether someone has an addiction.

Sex is an especially easy addiction for a man who doesn't learn to deal with his problems; it is everywhere. Look at the lure sex can have: instant gratification, stroking of one's ego, the lure of romance; all strong feelings to help avoid the real issues in one's life that need attention. Many in our society still have the idea "boys will be boys" and turn a blind eye when a husband leers at another woman, looks at trash magazines, porn on the Internet, even the soft-porn commericals we see every day on TV. I myself am sick of seeing young women in bikini's, writhing with phony sexual desire everytime I turn around.

The worse thing is porn and affairs don't satisfy or heal, only mask the problems that still exist, so the behavior becomes more deviant and has a stronger hold on a person, just like any addiction. It dehumanizes women, reducing us to body parts. Don't agree? Look at the incidence of date rape today. Every single day we hear about a woman or child disappearing and later the body found, raped and tossed aside like so much garbage. Remember how SHOCKED we were at Richard Speck? I carried the horror of that for years; now I try not to listen to the daily stories of horror.

I agree with you. This is a choice. When I was growing up my parents talked to me about the dangers of drugs, all the while dinking and smoking themselves to death. Thank God we understand a little more about that river De Nile and the destruction it can cause in our lives.

drinking, not dinking......sue

I think this saying works here best of all;

IN YOUTH WE LEARN, IN OLD AGE WE UDERSTAND....

A woman posted on my site a couple of years ago because she discovered her husband had been viewing porno sites on the computer and she was livid. Especially because he had denied her any sex for months. I don't know what happened to her because she vanished after a few visits. But, she was deeply hurt and angry. Her husband's viewpoint was: So what? Everyone does it! Do they? I don't but I'm not a man either. I'm just wondering what the statistics are on this.

Chatty, I love it. I attended the funeral for my 93 year old aunt yesterday. She was a lovely person. I need to write about her. The priest mentioned the wisdom that comes with old age throughout his sermon. Wisdom/understanding...very similar.