I too have an internet situation. We've had problems since before we were married, so I have only myself to blame. On the surface we have a great relationship and I can't really say that I think he has actually ever physically cheated on me, since we are usually always together, but he does seem to have some need or addiction to have connections with other women. It's been as bad a hooking up with someone he met on the internet (within one month of chatting with her - I don't think they had sex) to flirting with young girls at work. One really bad time was when he was out of work for two years and instead of looking for a job was posing on a forum as a GIRL! It was so werid, because he wasn't being sexual, just friendly. He had a whole history for her and even announced "her" engagment!! Why I stayed after that I am still wondering. But now, again, I have found that he is emailing another women he met on the net. This one is married and "just a friend" and he gives me the line that they have no intention of taking it any further - he says she "gets him" and is "easy to get along with" and they have "no secrets". Which makes me sick to my stomach and to me is one quick step away from saying "My wife doesn't understand me". He won't tell me anything else, like her name or where she lives or let me see their emails, so it can't be all that innocent.

Anyway, anytime I have ever confronted him about these situations, he blows his stack and accuses me of snooping and not trusting him and says he must have his privacy and why do I want to mess things up since our relationship is so GREAT!!He has that mentality that what I don't know, won't hurt me so I am causing the problem by snooping. And again, on the surface our life is pretty great! but sometimes I have I felt he was distracted...especially this last time...It is definitely true that any effort spent away from your relationship is cheating...I have thought of finding an on-line friend myself..but I'm too busy working and being a good wife!!!

My recommendation is never take back someone who has cheated on you in any way. I feel stuck and stupid, but I don't think I could handle divorce, it would be my second. So I try to pretend he isn't continuing to so somehting that I hurts me so much. I really need help.

Oh I know I should probably keep my big mouth shut BUT here goes. He is a snake, a cheater and a user. You forgave him and took him back and he threw it back into your face. Oh boy this is all too famaliar and so idiotic. WHY do you stay with a man who insults you by being a rat then taking the heat off of himself by ragging on you for spying, what the hell is that? Don't stay married to this loser, cheat & coward. Get free no mattrer if its your 10th divorce. Why wait till he dumps you, he will you know! He is a waste of your love and your time, MOVE ON. Find someone better to appreciate you, don't waste one more moment living a lie...Good luck and God Bless, I know how hard this is for you..

Blue66-You said, I feel stuck and stupid, but I don't think I could handle divorce, it would be my second.

I am here to tell you that there is life after divorce! And even life after divorce number two for that matter! I am married to a wonderful guy now for 18 years. He is my 3rd husband. The first two were jerks! I stayed with each of them 8 years-about 7 too many!

I agree with chatty. Why stay in a marriage that makes you so unhappy? Who needs it? You sound like an intelligent woman. So take that and find yourself a place to live, and start living life to the fullest, without a man who so obviously has no respect or love for you at all! Life is too short to waste it on someone who does not appreciate you and love you.

[ June 17, 2005, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: wordcharmer ]

I know you both are right...it's just that my life would fall apart and it would affect my family, too much - no kids, just my MOM and all. He is a user, I have always made more that him and he has never seemed to be bothered by that. One fact that really sucks is that he would get half of everything...I do feel he has no respect for me since he won't stop these things that hurt me so bad....he serates it in his head from his supposed love for me and alwasys accuses me of being extremely jealous and that's why he has to hide even this "innocent friendship", but it is the situation where the jealousy came after I found out he was and continues to be capable of lying and cheating. If I just shut my heart, though, I could pretend things wee wonderful and have an okay life, but it is alwasy with the worry of what's next and is the next one the one he leaves me for. I really hate this all so much, I understand why those young girls cut themselves or why someone would take heroin...anything to take away the hurt.

My God I can't believe you would think cutting or drugs is better than taking the bull by the horns and walking away and what kind of a mother would rather see her daughter married to a user, cheater and abuser than to see her divorced. I find that hard to believe. The longer you stay the more things you will attain and the more he will get in the end. You make more money than he does and thats probably why he keeps you around just in case his affairs fail. Please Blue66 get out of there. How old are you anyway, you sound very young and inexperienced! Ask anyone these men never change, never, never ,never!!!

Blue66, I work with battered women and even when they suffer physical abuse, it's hard for them to leave because of the fear of the unknown. It's a very real fear and keeps many of them emotionally paralyzed. Yes, divorce is very hard but what you're going through is much more difficult.

Do you want to really know what he's up to on the Internet? If you do, you can go online and download e-blaster.(about $100) You will then send an email to his email addy and when he opens it, it will be downloaded onto his pc. All his Internet activity will be emailed to your email addy so this means you have to have a personal account that he doesn't know about. But, you have to be willing to deal with what you discover. Many of my women have done this.

If you did this, would it make a difference? Or, would it just cause you more pain? He may say you're jealous but guess who is causing that jealousy? He's simply trying to put the blame back on your shoulders and you should never let him do that. Sounds like he's a cheat and looking for other women to have affairs with...even if some of them are online...cheating is cheating. The day will come when you finally realize you can be putting your effort and energy into something worthwhile.

Blue, God bless you for having the guts to share this very personal issue and how you feel about it. I can tell this isn't what you had in mind when you committed to marriage. It's so hard when our lives turn out differetnly than planned.

Some of the other women in here will tell you that any time a guy points the finger at you and becomes defensive, he's the cause.

I don't know if he'd agree to therapy. Even if he doesn't, I think you should try to find a professional to talk with. Therapists are so good at uncovering the truth in relationships. A therapist will also help build your confidence, help you see things clearly, and make a plan for your future, with or without him.

Please take care of YOU!

We can give advice to you until the cows come home Blue66 but you have to do whats in your heart, whats right for you, just know you aren't alone some of us have been there and done that, some more than once. I hope whatever to choose to do it is the best choice for you...One good thing is theres no hurry, take your time and decide. There is a saying I follow closely:
WHEN IN DOUBT.....DO NOTHING!

Thanks to all for caring.Chatty, I like your motto, when in doubt, do nothing!! I have been in therapy in the past and have gone again for this new thing. I do have issues of my own, but always get to the point in counseling that HE really needs to come, too, which I will push for next month. I asked him again last night"What do you talk abou with her!! and he refuses to answer which to me means that what they talk about is not appropriate. But he is really good to me and I know he loves me and again, it's not like he goes anywhere so there isnt' physical cheating, but it's so hard not to think that anytime I might annoy him he'll discuss it with her, etc. I did ask him why she would still email him when she knows that it hurts me. She's supposedly married...what comes around, someday someone will hurt her, too. IT's easy to say things are innocent when you are not the injured party.

Originally posted by BLUE66:
Thanks to all for caring.Chatty, I like your motto, when in doubt, do nothing!!
>>>> I agree with Chatty that you should do nothing until YOU are ready. And in the meantime, you are being very wise. You are consulting your boomer friends for additional viewpoints and consulting a therapist for strength. And you are not jumping into anything. That makes a lot of sense to me.

I have been in therapy in the past and have gone again for this new thing. I do have issues of my own,
>>>> We all have issues. The question is, Do your issues directly result in his continued pursuit of this internet relationship?

but always get to the point in counseling that HE really needs to come, too, which I will push for next month.
>>>> Is there a reason to wait? It sounds as if you are expecting him to refuse.

I asked him again last night"What do you talk about with her!! and he refuses to answer
>>>> By marrying you, he forfeited his right to refuse to answer such an important question? He fofeited his right to hurt you by not answsering? And most important he forfeited the right to put any other relationship before his relationship with you?
As his wife you have the right to view his internet and email and he should be able to view yours?

which to me means that what they talk about is not appropriate. But he is really good to me and I know he loves me
>>>> Maybe you could list the ways he is good to you and shows his love then list the ways he hurts you and see how they balance out.

and again, it's not like he goes anywhere so there isnt' physical cheating,
>>>> Is physical cheating the only way to cheat? Is it even the most hurtful?

but it's so hard not to think that anytime I might annoy him he'll discuss it with her, etc.
>>> Does he understand how difficult that must be for you?

I did ask him why she would still email him when she knows that it hurts me. She's supposedly married...
>>>> The fact that 'she' emails your husband is not your problem. It's an issue for 'her' and her husband. You and your husband must deal with why he is reading and responding to her email when he knows it hurts you.

what comes around, someday someone will hurt her, too. IT's easy to say things are innocent when you are not the injured party.
>>>> This woman and your husband are guilty of causing you pain. There is nothing innocent about intentionally hurting one of God's children.
We are all God's children. It must cause Him to cry when we hurt each other and when we hurt ourselves.
I will pray for your situation.
smile
>>>>

[ June 19, 2005, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]