I read a book a few years back that had some interesting things about couples and sex in it.

The title of the book was:

The Great American Sex Diet: Where the Only Thing You Nibble On... Is Your Partner!

The overall take-home/take-to-bed value that I recall was that couples should be "consuming" each other three times a week (at minimum).

One time, she chooses, One time, he chooses, third time they choose.

This worked really well for my husband and I as a way to "bite back" against all of the time and energy consumers in our marriage/married life with kids.

I found that on the days where it was "my time" to choose that I would spend HOURS thinking of sex and what I would do the poor guy and vice versa.

Actively taking charge of our sex life was liberating and it was exciting to recognize that we had a choice of when, where and how and how long - the only choice we didn't have was the choice as fully functioning adults to deprive each other of ourselves by not actively participating in one of God's gifts to marriage.

(Also recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and "His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.)

Julie G,
I'd like 2 know where desire goes, after a few years of marriage. As others have said, We have sex more often while on vacation. But he has a bad back. I have arthritis. Hubby's a great guy. But 2 tell U the truth, frequent sex...is few and far between. Sometimes we go 4 months without: then, again it's 3 times a week. Guess it entirely depends on mood or what's going on around us. In my opinion, sex is overrated and only really good, when forbidden: like when you're young.

I hope thats not the case Bonnie, only good when forbidden. Now you did say something I truly believe, you can't put feelings on a schedule, and SEX are feelings after all. Sometimes 3 times a week isn't enough while sometimes every 4 months seems to be fine. Thats life, thats sex when done with emotion and things around us being in sinct. Sex becomes just another thing to do like yard work, house work, our jobs. It may be the most pleasant one but it is just one part of the extravangaza we call love and marriage.

I like to refer to sex as making love. Corny, huh?

I don't think quantity counts unless it's important to the couple. As long as hubby and wife are communicating about the act and the desire(though maybe not the energy)then it should work. What about quality? Are we working at the quality of our lovemaking with our spouses?

Think of yourself as the only person on the face of the earth who can give your spouse sexual pleasure. Kinda cool, huh?

Talk with them about being the only person who can bring you sexual pleasure.

Maybe communication and a new attitude can help.

Remember, we are to put each other first in our marriages. If one person feels they aren't "getting enough", don't you think the other party should oblige them? Where else can they "get it"? No one should feel the need to go outside the marriage. Heaven forbid.

Another two cents...

Hi Dotsie, you have a healthy attitude, and I agree whole heartedly. And I agree about preferring the descript "making love." In my case, quality counts. A big chapter in my breast cancer book will be in regards to making love during the hideous changes of the female body during and after mastectomy. A couple has to find whole new ways of relating to each other via the bodies. But what really matters in our case is the heart and soul. A vibrator can bring sexual pleasure, but it has no heart! It's like having sex with the tin man! LLL

The subject of sex is a huge undertaking, for sure. I didn't mean to imply a person should go outside of marriage: not at all. I believe that just destroys those involved and those that love them. But my husband is extremely quiet and he cannot communicate, about anything. His entire family is quiet: some of them more-so than he.
Thus talking about sex is out of the question.
Talking about anything is out of the question. I guess that's why I'm here!!!

Bonnie, I hope you didn't think I was referring to your post when I mentioned going outside the marriage.

I've always thought if we didn't please our husbands, there are other women who might be willing to take over for us.

Thats the honest to Gods truth Dotsie, hungry and desperate women willing to take our leftovers or castoffs. There are women I know that will go after a good man just to see if they can cause him to trip and fall, like bagging a big fish for the trophy. I never told anyone what a wonderful, sexy, loving husband Eddie was unless they were happy with their own husbands. Its a crazy world we live in and other people that aren't happy want what you have that makes you happy....

Yikes! But ain't it the truth...

I recall a young gal who worked for an older doctor. She knew he was married, but found it a challenge to see if she could get him interested in her. Sick, huh? Didn't work!