My story about meeting Raul is similar to the story above, except we didn't meet on the internet. He didn't restore my faith in men, but I did have faith in him....Now I don't even have any faith in HIM. Maybe it's just too raw for me right now... I couldn't even imagine being able to have lunch with someone new, let alone open my heart and my mind to them. I thought he was my soul mate, but now I know he has lied to me for possibly years and years... and he's so self-righteous about it.

Last night, while I was sleeping on the couch, I took the broom we used in our wedding ceremony, which I had decorated myself and hung on the wall, and very calmly tore it up. I left it in the garbage can, where he could see it this morning. I just couldn't stand looking at it anymore, and I couldn't bear sleeping under it, while kicked out his bed forever. He was incensed! Incensed at my symbolic act... but self-righteous about having already ripped apart the marriage.

Why would he want me to stick around, and hang onto the things that don't mean anything anymore? I also went into the bedroom, had him take down the handfasting cord from our ceremony from over the bed where it was hanging, and I cut it in two. Hey, if it's not my marriage bed anymore, then that thing shouldn't be hanging there. Then I grabbed my silk flower and feather bouquet, and tossed that in the garbage can, too.

Does he expect me to meekly cherish all that stuff, all those memories, while he moves on and lives a completely new life?

I took the little journal I had started for our marriage, where I had neatly pasted the ceremony and the vows that a friend had written for me, opened it to the first page, and said, "Did you forget the promises you made and the vows you took? They're all right here." I opened the book to the first page, placed it in front of him, and walked away. I don't know if he read any of it, but when I came back, the book was closed.

I told him to keep the video of our ceremony. I didj't want it, and I didn't want to ever see it again. Then I crumbled up and threw away a little love-letter/picture he had drawn for me, about a week before my life blew up. It was a lie, with cute little sayings like "love 4 ever." He was already out of love with me, and continuing to lie to me, to pump me up into believing everything was OK.

He still doesn't get how he's hurt me. Now he's all mad because I have no more sentimental value for the wedding doodads. He just doesn't get it.

God, if I could just win the lottery tonight, I could be out of here probably by the end of the week. Florida law would dictate that my winnings would be community property, but 1/2 of a few million dollars is still a pretty good piece of change. No more feeling dejected and dependent on him... no more waiting months and years for some freaking agency to throw me a few dollars so I can get a book on the market.

It would be sooooo sweet.

Welcome to Lillian's dark side. And it ain't even Halloween no more.

Weird Blessings,
Lil