It's great to read about so many happy healthy marriages. Here's another side. My marriage ended after 13 years. My ex-husband's parents divorced when he was 12 and he often said that his family life was like a train wreck. His parents fought constantly, and did so in front of the kids. He grew up feeling that disagreements indicated that something was terribly wrong with the relationship, and consequently we couldn't really discuss anything in a meaningful way whether or not in front of the kids. I think our divorce was a complete shock to our son who never saw us argue or even disagree. My parents disagreed a lot -- she's a democrat, he's a republican, and have been married more than 50 years, so my experience was totally different. Perhaps this is something that should be explored thoroughly before you get married. There definitely needs to be a healthy balance. Maybe it depends on the topics under dispute?

It's great to read about so many happy healthy marriages. Here's another side. My marriage ended after 13 years. My ex-husband's parents divorced when he was 12 and he often said that his family life was like a train wreck. His parents fought constantly, and did so in front of the kids. He grew up feeling that disagreements indicated that something was terribly wrong with the relationship, and consequently we couldn't really discuss anything in a meaningful way whether or not in front of the kids. I think our divorce was a complete shock to our son who never saw us argue or even disagree. My parents disagreed a lot -- she's a democrat, he's a republican, and have been married more than 50 years, so my experience was totally different. Perhaps this is something that should be explored thoroughly before you get married. There definitely needs to be a healthy balance. Maybe it depends on the topics under dispute?

I've been thinking about this whole argument topic for days now. My husband and I have rarely flat out argued. We certainly have our disagreements that we discuss and we know the other is disgusted, but we don't yell and scream or carry on for long. We say why we are hurt, or why we think the kids should or shouldn't do such and such and come to a compromise most times. Interesting point is that when we do this our kids have told us to STOP ARGUING. We perceive it as working things out and they perceive it as arguing because this is how we act when we disagree. I have told them that they have never really seen arguments like some other couples have(loud yelling and screaming, etc.)and I wonder if that is good. They might marry the wild, crazy arguing type and not be able to handle it. I have seen that break up one marriage that I am aware of.

What I have decided is that if this works for us, GREAT. However.I"ve told my kids that just because you are married to someone does not mean that you think the same and agree on everything. There are compromises one must make in a marriage and the same person shouldn't always be the one to compromise. There is no place for selfishness in a marriage.

In 25 yrs of marriage I think the most important thing we did for our children -- and ourselves -- was to be honest about our feelings -- we talked and cried and laughed and agreed to disagree. And most important - we respected each other. My husband and children were never my possessions. We treated our boys for what they were -- people -- with opinions and thoughts that differed from our own -- and in return they learned that they could make good decisions and bad decisions and that it was all part of growing up -- we would praise their accomplishments -- and help them through their downs -- and told them that just TRYING kept it from being a failure -- as life's lessons are learned that way.

My husband and boys know all my warts -- they've seen me at my best -- and -- they've seen me the way no child should ever see their mother -- no husband should ever have to deal with -- but our respect for each other got us back to love and once again I think they consider me among their most trusted of friends -- what more could a mother/wife ask for ;-)

lionspaaw makes a good point. It is really important that our kids see us as we truly are and learn that their parents are real people with real feelings. We laugh, cry, hurt, want, need....just like they do.

My oldest heard me say this to him from the time he was little --

Robert --- I've never been the mother of an 8 yr old (or 10 or 14). I'm going to do things right and I'm going to do things wrong -- and since you're the oldest -- you get to be my guinea pig
;-)

Show your kids your war wounds and they won't be afraid to show you their bruises.

Show your husband that you're not super mom or super wife -- that you're just another person stumbling through life -- and he'll want to take the journey with you.

This is a Good Topic. I don't like to brag so I wasn't going to type a Reply but I noticed that no one mentioned their relationship w/GOD. My Hubby & I have been married now for 23 years and we give HIM all the credit. We've had some really bad days but more good ones than I can count. When things get out of control we take a "break", go to our seperate corners and PRAY. It hasn't always been easy, but GOD has gotten us thru as well as streghtened our realationship. Respect is another key factor in a good marriage. And I am Thankful that GOD has given me a man who LOVES me even before I've had my morning coffee. LOL

Lady, thanks for bringing this back. I appreciate your point about having Christ at the center of marriage. Without Him, egos tend to get in the way.

If we are always seeking and yearning to live more like Him, then all of our relationships improve. Don't you think?

Speaker,I am going to carry the triangle concept with me. That's beautiful. Thank you.

Praying together is something Ross and I have done off and on throughout our marriage. It is so intimate to share what's near and dear to your heart with your loved one and God. Thanks for the reminder to pray together again.

Our minister once shared the best way to stay happily married is to outdo one another with kindness. This is my advice to newlyweds. That, and keep God at the center.

I like this triangle symbol too. I know God saved our marriage in 1996. We were having serious problems and went to a Christian Marriage Encounter week end. It was very emotional and healing for our marriage. long story, but God is the First person in our marriage even though we need to remind one another from time to time.
Linda

Linda, I'm glad you had the presence of mind to do an encounter. I've heard about those Marriage Encounters. Can you tell us more about what goes on? Do you bare your soul to a group, or to your husband only?

[ April 05, 2005, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]