Smilinize,

Wow there's one situation where I've not heard that endorphins played such a large role. But I have to say that sounds quite plausible. I would be reluctant to say that the high from edorphins would be greater than that of morphine or heroin - but I surely agree that they are powerful neurotransmitters. They certainly play a major role in "thrill seekers" or in athletes and in other addictive behaviors, so why not? Veeeery i n t e r esting ! Very interesting indeed and I would enjoy knowing how you learned of this connection? In fact , the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. 'course I've been out of that loop for so long, maybe it's common knowledge by now. In any case, will you inform me?

In fact, as I continue to think about this, it could very well be linked to many many behaviors. For instance, many people who grow up in chaotic homes simply find it nearly impossible to live in a calm environment. By chaotic I don't necessarily mean abuse or anything like it = but just not much order. And it could be a new explanation of "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" -get my meaning? Well, we already know that we not only inherit blue eyes and body type, but behaviors as well, so it's not a stretch to think that endorphins could be a really big part in the behavior component. Cool.

You will let me know, won't you? 'cause I'm pretty excited now!!
Thanx, Searcher

Searcher, this post confuses me. Is it in the wrong forum? I don't see anything form Smilinize in here.

Beth, we know you can't make changes overnight. I hope you don't find the advice too harsh, but I think you've come across some women who may have been burned and they don'twant to see the very same hurtful thing happen to you.

Dots, it's on the previous page.

d.

Beth,
We ALL have choice, and out of our choice will come caos, peace, understanding, or whatever! What do you want for your life? Now is time for YOUR CHOICE!

You people are great!

The whole endorphin thing makes a LOT of sense! I've always wondered why it felt so good to see him, after he's done God knows what to me - and he has done a LOT.

I know I was abused in that relationship. There is so much that I haven't even talked about. There were times when I absolutely could not stop crying. I couldn't make sense of why he could say he loves me so much one day and behave as if he hated me the next. It was abuse. It was control.

I have not talked to him in two days. I am not planning to talk to him and when I do - eventually I'll probably have to - I will tell him that I am done, that I have had enough. I really don't have to worry about Thing. She will get hers soon enough.

I am going to try to move on. When I feel weak, I know I can come here for a refresher course on why I don't need to give in to my weakness.

And I know there is a reason for me continuing to allow this. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was often not around. When he was around, he was very loving and a good dad, but I could never count on him 100% because I never knew when he would take off. I knew chaos growing up and I realize that is why I have stayed in this very chaotic situation.

Again, thank you all so much for your honesty and support.

beth1119,

BINGO!!!!!Good for you! Kudo s! GREAT job! YOU get a star! You get 3 stars! You get a promotion! You get a raise! You've one the lottery! You get to be written in the Great Book of "I Finally Get It"! Well Done!

Just astonishing as a matter of fact. I was really worried that we wouldn't hear from you again - some of us girls came down pretty hard on you. But sometimes that's what it takes?

Refresher courses on this site, I am sure are absolutely free and come with a very long warrantee. Not one of us wants you to shed one more tear.

I, for one, was caring about you before, but now I ADORE you! Talk to me or any of us any time you wish in private or on the forums. And remember, all of us have made mistakes. WEll, I only made one when I misspelled a word, but the rest of these gals make it a habit.

Just make Thing disappear. And HIM too. Good idea to have someone else with you when you tell him "I QUIT". Moral support, you know. (And so that he can't get to you in a moment of weakness - to help you stay true to YOU)

I think I should go celebrate - buy myself some flowers - whoopeee!!!!

Searcher

Yeee Hawww Beth! You go girl!

Beth, I think many of us responded so strongly to your situation because either we or someone close to us has been in your shoes.

I'm not a fortune teller but I can foresee a better future for you! You've taken the first step to a new life! Congratulations!

Daisygirl

I married my first husband when I was 20. He was the love of my life. By the end of the first year of marriage I knew something didn't feel right, but I didn't know what. I've always had very low self esteem, have felt unworthy of anything at all and so, though I was not happy much of the time, and cried a lot and developed headaches - really severe migraines that often had me in the ER, I kept on, thinking 'it' was all my fault (though I didn't know what 'it' was. He told me I would never find anyone else who would be as good for me as he was - this is a story that lasted 34 years, so there is a lot to tell. Finally, after over 25 years of marriage mu depression was so severe I wanted to die and I had a plan. I will never know why I went to a therapist - my husband wouldn't let me do anything - he didn't trust anyone, didn't approve of anything - and if I went against his wishes he would give me the silent treatment, sometimes for 2 or 3 weeks. The therapist told me he was mentally and emotionally abusive; that none of my unhappiness was my fault except that I chose to stay. I went to a second therapist, then a third. All of my energy went into my children, who were also dealing with this; I would make excuses for him, do things for them behind his back.....finally one day when the kids were both out of the house (one married, one in an apartment and holding a good job) I told my husband I could not deal with him another day, that I wanted a divorce.

It was a nightmare. He finally moved out; but he, who was also the worst kind of miser, said he couldn't manage without me. He stopped working (he was a type A workaholic up to that point) - he wouldn't eat, wouldn't leave his apartment. I felt so bad that I'd take him food, take him to
the store, cook for him....getting him to see his lawyer, sign the papers - took many months. He went off the deep end and I blamed myself for everything and still do to some extent. All of my friends, my family - everyone tells me they don't know why I stayed so long - they could all see what he was doing to me....

Anyway, when the divorce was nearing completion and I'd been living alone for quite a while I received an e-mail from a man I'd graduated high school with; we had not been in touch for 35 years. He lived in a different state - we wrote back and forth for a few months and when the divorce was finally over he flew to see me. A few months later we married. But all this time I was still trying to take care of my ex, urging him to eat, assuring him he had plenty of money, cooking for him - even after I was married again.

Two years ago today he committed suicide. I was and still am devastated.

Beth, the only reason I am relating this painful experience is to show you how much worse things could be. Get out now and stay out. Let your ex find his own way; forget his girlfriend - I wish mine had had a girlfriend - it would have been so much better. In his own way he is controlling you - don't let him control your emotions and your mental health. When my ex no longer had me or our children to control he was lost - he couldn't even handle himself.

I feel like I may never recover from this even though I have a much better life, the support of everyone around me and a loving husband. I will always feel responsible. I'm sure your ex isn't as mentally ill as mine was, and he will be fine. But take care of yourself. You are important.

This is probably hard to follow; it is a very emotional and wrenching subject for me, but it needs to be told. I hope I've made a point....learn to put yourself and your happiness first right now, before it's too late. You are Number 1 and don't ever forget that.

Dreamer

Well said Dreamer,

And it is not nor ever was your fault. Can you cause someone else to have cancer? Your first husband was ill - so ill that he could not save himself. That is a crying shame, but has nothing to do with you. I really respect you for telling your story, and I know that Beth will find it comforting to know that you KNOW.

Searcher

The reason it feels so good when you see him is because he is familar territory. You have a history with him. Also, since he is a lot like your father in ways, you are trying to rewrite history but with someone different than your dad. Problem is: you have chosen the same personality so you will never win.

When the military is in battle, they stay in the foxhole and MAINTAIN RADIO SILENCE. To talk would give their plans and location away. They don't let the enemy see them or they will be shot. In the same ways, you don't talk to the enemy, don't let him know how you're thinking or feeling, you stay away so he can't use his ammunition on you. You maintain radio silence...no talking...corresponding...nothing.

As you get on with your life, you will gain more strength and power. This is how you get closure. By learning that life has more to offer than the way you've been experiencing it.

If you want, PM me and I'll send you a copy of my book that deals with this.