To Everyone: Thank you! I know you are all right in what you are saying and I think I hang on to this for some reason that I need to figure out and address, and this should be a priority for me, ahead of getting back at Thing or anything else.

Our relationship wasn't difficult, it was sick. My ex was very controlling; he controlled me financially by not allowing me to ever have any money. I worked most of the time we were together, but he made sure I never had any money. I didn't make that much money and he wouldn't hear of me going back to school to make more money. After I left him another time (before Thing - I actually left him several times), he called and wanted to get back together and begged me not to go to school. He said that I could come back and not work at all, just stay at home, but I refused to quit school. I went back, but he resented my having to study, plus work (I wouldn't quit my job either), so I think one reason why he took up with her was to get back at me for this. I know him well enough to realize that he would want to punish me for attempting to get out of his control, and what better way to show me that I wasn't giving him enough attention than to cheat on me with another another woman, you know?

He also was emotionally abusive, and I think that's one of the reasons I can't seem to get away from this. My life was a constant struggle, if things were ever "normal" with us, without drama, he would do something and we would fight and then he would tell me he didn't love me anymore so I would leave, then he would show up crying and begging me back. I think I got addicted to the drama, too. After I went back, things would be wonderful for 2 or 3 weeks, then the cycle would start again. It was crazy.

He is very charming, and it's hard not to like him. When his son died, even my mother caved in and called him several times and attended the funeral and really did a lot more than you would expect because she knows more than anyone how much damage this man did to me.

I am going to try to let go of this. I know that I have to. I really appreciate the good, honest advice everyone has given me. I think I forget sometimes how nuts the whole situation is and maybe I'm just afraid to face a future without him because he has become so ingrained into my life. I have changed my entire life; I worked full time while I went to school and now I have a job where I am dependent on NO MAN. I am proud of myself and it's as much a mystery to me as to anyone else how I could ever want to go back to being a dependent, abused doormat when I know I don't need ANYONE anymore, unless they actually have something to ADD to my life.

Thank you all for the reality check.

One question, though: How do I get closure? It's kind of obvious, I'm sure, that it's not easy for me just to walk away.

Way to go Beth!

Now you're talking !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if you can stay with a job that keeps you independent, you can begin to rebuild your life the way YOU would like to have it - maybe even return to school to better your future even more. Just think of all the possibilities when you feel strong. No one is able to feel courageous and creative, or to concentrate on anything while someone else is allowed to abuse you. So. You must not allow it.

But do take a look inside yourself to find WHY you would allow abuse - so that you will never allow it again. It will take you some time, you won't probably hit this all right the first time, but there are women on this site who will help you (and even one who works with battered women - and you are one of them even if he didn't physically hit you).But the very first key to this is to get him OUT completely out of your blooming life. And I mean just that . you will blossom to your own surprise as you feel better and better.

WEll here's to 'ya and we will all be anxious to hear how you are coming.

Searcher

Beth,
you get closure by closing the door and do not ever open again to anyone who is not reading the same page you are.

Never mind closure - I personally think it's a much overused word and it has no place here.You will feel the closure anyway when you see that you are feeling so much better without him. If he calls you, or comes to your door (do not let him in)or writes you, I would say"I am finished with this - do not attempt to contact me in any way" period, no discussion, no whining, no anything. I promise you will feel so much better by really meaning those words.

Searcher

Also,
If you will go to DrPhil.com (not sure about the letter cases) right now, or soon, there is an interview with a woman in a somewhat similar relationship. There is also some good advice there for now and in the future as you deal with these issues.

The decision has really came down to you. Choosing to move in the same direction, means not only you will be effected...your children and possibly even their children will face abuse.
Someone has to stand up and say it stops here.
You are worth so much more.


Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
Romans 12:19

Brenda

Beth, After you close the door, you will have a period when you are mourning the loss. But each day that passes, you will be stronger, feel better and happier. If you go back for even a little while, you will have to start all over in your recovery. After you've been on your own for awhile, you'll look back and thank God you are not there any longer.

Ask for help from your friends and family. When I was getting over a relationship, I asked a friend if she would just meet me for lunch 1 day a week for a while. Just knowing I would get to see my friend and that I was cared for, helped me to heal. And of course you can always turn to the boomer women.

God be with you!

Daisygirl

Another point:

An exterminator told me that for every cockroach you see around your house, there are 100 more that you don't see.

You're aware of 3 ex's + Thing. That's 4 that you know of. My guess is that, like the cockroaches, there are a lot more hiding in his past and probably present as well.

Your friends all like him? After what he's done to you? Um, um... reread the paragraph about cockroaches...

My advice? Get tested for AIDS and STD's. That should give you closure. If by some grace of the universe you're disease-free, count your lucky stars because you just beat some incredible odds. If he gave you anything, be grateful for the lesson in cockroaches.

Please continue your job and schooling. Under no circumstances take him back, even for a little while. If he threatens you -- as I suspect he will -- get a restraining order.

And for goodness sake talking to him, stop seeing him, dating him and more than likely, having sex with him. You were planning a move anyhow so move, change your phone number and tell your so called friends NOT to give him your information at any cost. There thats how you get closure....

This sounds like another case of a woman addicted to her own endorphins. Somewhere else I posted about this. Endorphins are chemcicals produced by your our bodies and they produce a "high" even greater than morphine or heroin. And they are as addictive.
If your endorphins are suppressed for a period of time by abuse or infidelity, when the abuse or infidelity stops and the man returns, there is a huge rush of endorphins. You feel elated and it feels much like love. It's the physiological reason behind the emotional excuese for women to stay in abusive and unfaithful relationships when they know full well the abuse and infidelity will recur. They unconsciously endure the pain because they unconsciously know the high is coming.
They are addicted.
The only way to stop an addiction it to either replace it with another addiction or stop cold turkey. With abusive men seems to me the only way is cold turkey.

Walk away and STAY away. Never look back.
smile