I'm still doing okay, he called this morning and I didn't pick up the phone - YESSSSS!

I like the expression "last life". I'm just amazed that, after changing everything else about my life, I would THINK of bringing him in to wreck it. Pretty crazy. It would be like cleaning up the house from top to bottom then throwing dirt all over it. Doesn't make sense, does it?

I have been thinking about this and I realize that I've got a few more things I can change in order to make myself happier. For one thing, I work nights, so I sleep all day and I'm awake and alone all night when I'm not working. Depressing! Beginning at the first of next month, I am going on days again! And I'm stopping working so many weekends because I have some single friends and could have fun with them on the weekends if I wasn't always working.

Best of all, I have new friends to give me support and keep me on the right track. I appreciate everything you all have said.

Doin' really great Beth,

Keep it up! Did you say you were moving? I think this would also be a good idea if you could swing it - the fewer ways that he has to connect to you the better (change your phone number too if you can - you can always call Him about the kids - from a pay phone); and the fewer objects around you to remind you of him - also the better. YOur "last" or "lost" life no longer exists, so why drag it out? I always say, the cleaner the cut, the better it heals.....That's so great you're changing your hours, sounds much healthier for you at least for the present.....And also beginning to think about going out with friends!1!!Yeahhhh. And also I like your analogy - cleaning house. That's JUST the right thing to do!!!!(and of course you won't throw dirt all over it !) Instead, you're taking steps to keep it clean - a lot of steps this week, I'd say....

Then you'll be buying YOURSELF flowers, I'm thinking!

I think so too. I feel a little inspired. But I realize that I have to take this one step at a time; I can't change everything overnight. The first step was realizing that I had a problem (why do I feel like I'm in A.A.? )and the next step was not answering the phone, not calling him back. The change in work hours actually kind of got dropped in my lap yesterday, and I'm thrilled about it. My mom says she thinks since I've been working nights I'm not getting enough sunlight and that's what is making me depressed. I think she's right. I'm so tired all the time now I don't feel like doing much of anything.

I know you read my other posts on the other topic "How do you feel loved..?". I'm just in a deep rut and I really didn't even realize it. I was talking to a friend of mine about it today and she said she had noticed it because I hardly ever talk to her anymore. I hardly ever talk to anyone, really, just sit in my apartment and nap when I'm not working.

I believe I'm going to be okay. It's a step-by-step process, though, and that's hard for me because I'm not a patient person, especially with myself!

One more thing - DO find ways to reward yourself for each positive step you take. Whether it be a bubble bath, flowers, - how long has it been since you took a nice long walk by a stream, or just sat alone on a warm rock? Or roamed around the library stacks, just smelling the books? Drink your new freedom and feel the sun.

Baby Steps - that's the ticket!

Yep, baby steps. I'll get there. I try to take care of myself and give myself little luxuries every now and then. I am going to have to work through my weakness as far as my ex goes. For one thing, he lost his son - my stepson - this summer and I had been very close to my stepson, so naturally it broke my heart and made me very vulnerable to him again. The whole situation was just heartbreaking and I still feel sorry for him so I guess I just am feeling a little guilty about completely writing him off, even though I know I have to. Can you understand that feeling?

[ October 19, 2005, 01:39 AM: Message edited by: beth1119 ]

Yes - I understand that feeling. I felt the same way about my ex - so sorry for him and the way he fell apart and couldn't function - so I literally took care of him until he decided to die. The lesson I learned is the more you do for them the more they expect and they will find a way to keep control over you to the bitter end. Please let go, because you will be the one who is hurt the most, not him. I suppose I sound cold-hearted considering my situation, but it isn't that. I loved this man who hurt me for almost 34 years - never physically - emotionally and mentally. Men who do this to thier wives are unwell. Wives who let it happen over and over are unstable and insecure. Get away from it and see how much you have to offer without him - how much better you feel - how enthusiastic you are to start again. I've been there.

Dreamer

You are right. He doesn't even need me, anyway, since he has That Woman. And he has friends and family who care about him, too. I shouldn't feel guilty, and maybe it's not even guilt but my own addiction to this drama that I'm dealing with. Everyone knows I loved my stepson, and before he died I got to tell him that I loved him and that is all I really needed. Continuing to deal with Ex only prolongs the grief.

Very true. And talking about it - especially with your faceless friends right here, is so good for you. You can vent and say what you need to without reservation. You've made such a good start, you are thinking intelligently - and the more time you spend on your Ex the less time you have to move forward into the next level of your life, which will be wonderful! Really, it will!