The last thing a sad or depressed person needs is to spend time with family members who can't or won't support them. I found this out last year when Chuck was so sick at Christmas, and nobody in his family was there for either of us. I actually had to tell the nurses to not connect his mother's calls because her hysterical crying upset him so much.

Usually, we put up with them because Chuck is more forgiving than I am. But I know I could never depend on them in a crisis, and I don't plan to.

I would not hesitate to invite someone who was alone to spend the holiday with me. Nor would I be offended if they choose not to. People who extend a hand in friendship and caring are a blessing.

I would question that doctor's advice too.

All of you are very right. Sometimes a dysfunctional family is not what a depressed person needs at holiday time, (or any other time for that matter).

If they're like my mom they throw up things that happened ten or more years ago and pile on guilt. Sometimes just when a person has moved past a bad time in their life someone else brings it up again and those bad feelings rear their ugly heads. Some people just don't know when to quit.

When you're depressed you've got to learn to say "no" to toxic people. Know your own limitations of being around these people. They can drag you down just when you've started to make progress. Sometimes it makes you think they resent the progress and want to sabotage it.

That's so true, Ladybug. Some people don't want us to change or grow, they like to play the "change back" card. I read a book not too long ago called The Dance of Anger. It was recommended by a psychologist. I got a lot out of it. It's all about behavioral patterns and when people are comfortable with those patterns and you try to change it, they do or say something to try and get you to change back.

All families are dysfunctional. Familes are the ones who love us despite our numerous flaws and malfunctions.

In my family we call wherever we gather "dysfunction Junction" and the numerous psycho-social problems become fodder for family jokes. Everyone brags about their neuroses and most agree that a trip to the psyche unit would be a nice retreat.

Anyone who shows up is welcome and they'll probably be teased. Anyone who choses to remain alone misses a lot of fun.

We joke about everything and we love each other despite it all. We're a family!

smile

[ December 17, 2005, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Since my family of origin was dysfunctional, with my father being an alcoholic, our family life was a big secret we kept from the "outsiders" and we thought everyone else was normal, while we were all different. I didn't learn until I was an adult and in sales, where I was in contact with many people, that there is dysfunction in every family. I became much more honest about my life, which totally mortified my mother...........

Daisygirl

I'm sitting here, with a few moments before I run off to church. I haven't been to church in over a year - but desperately need some inner peace today.

My memories of the holidays as a girl still make me cringe. Alcohol was always a problem (one year an uncle crawled home from the corner bar on hands and knees - cops picked him up and brought him home...) Another year, my sweet mother nearly electrocuted herself (after a few too many eggnogs) when she picked up the electric hand mixer and turned on the water faucet at the same time.....

Then I grew up and had a family of my own. I had my own problems with the booze until I was in my mid 30's and it saddens me to remember how I ruined my husbands holidays until I got my act together.

We've lost so many family members - seems like each Christmas we have more tears to bare. My MIL is getting senile - oh, and did I mention she's a flaming homaphobe? I have a gay son and she has done some terrible things at family gatherings that are unforgiveable. The latest sorrow is my youngest son has been diagnosed bipolar (thankfully he's doing great on medication - 2 weeks tomorrow.) He has taken on a girlfriend that is very young with a 3 year old daughter. He talks of marrying her - but is so deeply in the hole from his manic episodes ($$$$) that it will be years before he should take on the responsiblity of a family.

So - deppression is my constant friend it seems. I attend a Unity church (when I go....) and they have a lovely service before the new year entitled the "Burning Bowl." You write a personal letter to yourself about what you hope to achieve in the next year - both personally and spiritually. The minister holds on to them and mails them back at ramdom times of the year. Then you write another letter to yourself about the past year's self-defeating actions, resentments, etc. Those letters are burned in one large pot. A lot of symbolism - it's really powerful.

But, I'm off to church now - I'll be praying for us all. Christmas is only a day - in the big scheme of things. We can all get through it - one day at a time.

Thank you for your prayers browser57. I bet church was an exhilirating experience today. The burning bowl sounds like something we all could do.
God Bless
chick

Smile your family sounds like a hoot and probably a lot of fun. Oh to be a fly on the wall!

Browser57 the idea on of the bowl is so neat, I'm going to mention it to our Minister.

The man I invited to Christmas dinner called me back today and said he would love to spend it with me and my family. Both of our children think he's funny and really like him. My husband enjoys his company too.

He was and still is my older brother's best friend from kindergarten. He practically grew up in our home. His family is gone except for two nephews who will have nothing to do with him.

His childhood was a bit hard and wrought with painful experiences. His father was an alcoholic who left him, a brother and sister as well as his mother. His sister died when she was a small child. I didn't even know that until he brought it up on Thanksgiving.

He knows he's wanted here, and he really is too.