Dotsie, I won't be able to get in to see the doctor for a few days, so am not taking the meds yet. But I'm relatively okay...having been here so many times before, I know the drill and know not to panic or let this sadness spiral me too far down out of control. I'm actually quite able to keep my head above the waters this time, which might be contributing to my hesitation to take the meds...maybe I'm hoping it won't be severe enough to require medication.

BTW, this is my first relapse of depression since joining this community (although it's possibly still a remnant of the grief and depression I experienced after my Mom died) - but I think being here is making a huge difference in my ability to keep myself grounded, prepared and honest.

I've been hesitating to go back on the meds because of the side effects I suffered the last time. But like Sherri, I know I've suffered from depression (chronic dysthemia is the term the doctor uses) my entire life - I can remember being conscious of the enduring sadness as early as eight years old). So I know in my head that anti-depressants are a part of my life, like insulin would be if I were a diabetic.

I'm a victim of my own denial and wishful thinking...even after all these years, and writing the book, and knowing what I know about depression, I still want to be able to "beat" this thing through willpower and lifestyle choices. But it's just not always do-able. And that's nothing to be ashamed about, not so much the depression itself or the need to go on meds, but the inability to fight it on my own...if I were diabetic or had cancer, I wouldn't expect myself to battle the diseases without meds, so why do I balk at battling THIS disease of anxiety and depression with meds!

[ June 12, 2006, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]