Hey, Ladies. Lately I have flabbergasted by the changes I am going through due to my medication. I am on a low dose of Risperdal plus a high dose of Celexa. Earlier this year, I was finally able to admit to my psychiatrist that I had small hallucinations, heard voices and other annoying things in my head, and so forth. It turns out that the anti-psychotic medication also seems to work on delusional thinking... things I didn't know were delusional for 46 years of my life have suddenly become very clear to me. These things are kind of hard to explain to my psychiatrist, but they are very real to me.

Is this an OK place to discuss this? One of the things that I realized was delusional was the belief that I could and should have writing as my only vocational goal, that I should not be exposed to the regular workaday world that "ordinary" people have to deal with. I realized that based on the kind of things I write and the infrequency with which I am able to write and publish... I'm never going to be able to make a living at it. It was a relief to realize this, because I was beating myself up for "failing" at writing as a career... but it was also the death of a dream, so it was a mixed blessing. When I finally told my counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation, I sobbed like a child and ended up crying for two days.

I had always been afraid of being just an ordinary person, without something incredibly special and terribly significant to my name... but the awesome truth is that I have a ways to go before I can move up to ordinary, in terms of taking care of myself, earning a living, and so forth. I see now that I was trying so desperately to make myself worthy by supposing myself above most other mortals, and so I went about trying to make myself worthy in a horrible way. Does this make any sense? Typing it here makes it sound like less of a stunning realization than it really is. Makes me sound like a horrible person, which I hope I am not. Is this the right place to talk about stuff like this? I have the medication to thank for the clarity I feel, and I would like to find a place to talk about stuff like this, but so far, this is the only place I have found. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about?
Love,
Lil

Wow. What a brave woman you are to open up about this and share. I know that took a lot of guts on your part. A huge revelation.

Does your psychiatrist say that it's only chemical imbalance or did your childhood play a part in this?

Bless your heart. You're to be admired.

Lillian, this is a great place for you to open up and share. Thank you so much for doing so. I do know how you feel.

Having grandiose images of ourselves and our actions is part of BP. Coming to terms with that and recognizing it is a huge step for you and you should be commended for it.

I too have grandiose images and great dreams of what future brings. There's nothing wrong with having a dream and goals. It's when they overcome us that we tend to get out of control.

My dream is to write women's fiction. Now and forever. And to grow my readership. Will I ever become a best seller? Wouldn't that be grand!! Am I obsessed with becoming a best seller? No, I think I'm more in control of that aspect of my life. But, I do have dreams!

I'm on Risperdal as well, 2 mg every night. Along with 120 mg of Cymbalta and 300 mg of Wellbutrin and 1 mg of Ativan. I'm very grateful for these medications to help maintain my balance. Without them I'd be an angry lost soul, bouncing from project to project, totally uncontrollable.

Thank you for sharing. Dianne is right. You are very brave.

Our own sweet Lil has been so overwhelmed with the burden of trying to get a handle on things, AND doing so on her own, that she doesn't think of herself as brave...but of course we know better. I echo what the girls have said Lil...I do hope that this doesn't mean you are giving up on your writing however. I think you are one of the most expressive and compassionate/passionate people I know...the writing world would lose terribly if you decided not to write.

Hugs, JJ

Lil, In God's eyes, even the smallest feather on the smallest sparrow is numbered and beautifully painted. Knowing how special even that small ordinary sparrow is, you should know how much more special you are.
You don't have to be a best selling author to be special in God's eyes or in the eyes of those who love you. You are special just for being who you are.
In the eyes of love all things are special. In the eyes of love all things are beautiful. And you are loved.
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This saying was written by an unknown writer:

LIVING IN THE PRESENT
Yesterday is a cancelled check....
Tomorrow is a promissory note....
Today is cash in hand, spend it wisely....

I guess all any of us really has for sure is NOW. So go forth from the now and do better, be better, feel better...thanks for sharing.

Lillian,

I'm so glad you finally found the medications you need to lead a more realistic and productive life. We all have delusions of grandeur sometimes, but until those grand dreams happen, we live our lives and pay our bills. There's nothing ignoble about being "average" (if there is such a thing!) And sometimes the dreams happen when we least expect it; but don't happen when (can I mix a metaphor here?) we spend all our time waiting for the pot to boil. Don't lose sight of your dreams, but don't put the practical parts of life on hold while seeking/ waiting for perfection.

Everyone else has wisdom here too. Smilinize's comments are particularly beautiful and true.

Lil, don't sell yourself short...you are far from ordinary! I've been reading your submissions and thoughts here for a year and you are an extraordinary woman. I would be proud to know you and to call you friend. I am so touched that you can share, and share so articulately, the profound thoughts you shared in this post. An ordinary woman could never do that! You are an inspiration. And yes, I think I know what delusions are and you know, maybe sometimes, delusions aren't such a bad thing. Sure there are those that make us crazy, but there are some that make us creative. I guess we just need to figure out which are which. God bless you lil!

Lil
When you wrote I had always been afraid of being just an ordinary person, without something incredibly special and terribly significant to my name...

this just struck such a chord with me! When I , this was one of the thoughts that I frequently had. I was terrified of being ordinary so I avoided marriage and children and long term jobs. I used to have dreams that told me that I was going to be something special.....I thought I could be a great writer or poet or that something was just going to happen for me! This never transpired because it was probably a delusion.

I ended up not marrying unti lage 34 because I was avoiding being like everyone else and now I am 38 and STILL scared of being the same as everyone else. For so many years, I avoided the 'normal'things that my friends and families did because I thought I was different and now that I have decided to settle for being ordinary even though I am scared of it, things are not happening for me.

I avoided having children for years and now that we are trying for it, nothing is happening. It's causing problems between me and my husband. He blames me because I avoided being ordinary for so long, it's almost like I am being punished for it. My husband's sister gave birth to her second child in two years this week and he has been moody all day today.

In fact, he has just gone to visit his family and I didn't go because I am sick of everyone looking at me as if I am an oddity and asking me when I am going to produce. Now that I WANT to settle for being ordinary, it doesn't seem that I can. What you said made sense to me, but I don't know if I am making sense now. I am feeling tired and weary at the moment so that's probably why I am thinking this way too.

Thankfully I have these forums to 'talk' to people. Though I am close to my friends and family, I don't feel I can confide in them about how I am feeling about all this. I tried explaining to my mother today but she got upset because she couldn't understand, then I got upset and so forth.................. God, I don't know why but I have just gone into tears and I can't seem to stop..... Sorry.

Clairey xx

Claire and Lil,
Aren't we all just ordinary people? And yet in our own unique way each of us is very special, though none truly more special than the other.

It sounds as your dreams of being special were very large and large Dreams can be hazardous. Dreaming too big leads to failure and failing consumes energy needed to succeed on any level.

I have never dreamed. I make plans and try to take advantage of opportunities, but at any given moment, I would have to say the the life God has given me has already exceeded any dream I could possibly have conceived in my limited imagination. The most wonderful events in my life have come about at the times when I have allowed God to dream for me. His dreams for me are so much greater than mine.

Sometimes I limit God in prayer. I ask only for what I can conceive in the smallness of my mind, but God answers in the riches of his soul. When I just turn loose and "let God," the solution is so much more wonderful than I could possibly have imagined.

You are living God's plan for you now. You have no choice. Maybe you can accept it as better than your own plan and find the joy in it.
smile

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