I'm embarrassed to say I tend to be jealous of other women. In fact, it's the reason I joined this discussion group to try to get answers. It's crazy really. I'm a professional, educated, good looking, have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and gives me no reason whatsoever to be jealous. However, if we're in a group and a younger, cute woman comes over and gives him a hug, my heart goes into my throat. Worse still, if an attractive woman in my church group is at my table, and if I see him even just looking at her, I start to shut down, become emotionally unavailable and withdrawn. My boyfriend is old enough to be her father, and she has her own boyfriend, so what is my problem? Further, he's not even doing anything except listening to what she's saying - and moreover she's a really sweet girl! I hate this characteristic of mine and just don't know what to do about it.

I have an otherwise strong, wonderful spiritual relationship with the Lord and am involved in several fulfilling ministries - but this terrible trait of mine has me confused. I was married once before and was terribly jealous - totally irrationally so - and it was very painful for both of us. Now I'm 25 years older and find I'm still jealous - what can I do about this?

I really admire you for asking that question. I have found myself being that way too. Totally jealous, and for what. It is absolutely absurd if you think about it.

In my opinion, I have come the the assumption, that I just have a bit of a insecurity problem. I really don't know why. Just maybe, could be that we are longing for that young look, that is tempting the public everyday on the tvs, newstands, everywhere you look. So I feel I have to compete with that all the time.

The only salvation I have honestly found for my self, is prayer. I know I can turn to God as a friend and not be judged for my little inequities.

Keep in mind we are beautiful people and God made us the way we are for a reason.

Susanna,
I'm going out on a limb here because I am certainly NO doctor, I don't even play one on TV... but from the sound of your post, insecurities keep popping out at me. Fear? But fear of what, you may ask... and so would I. It sounds like abandonment. Fear of being left behind because you weren't "good enough." You certainly sound like someone who has it together in every sense of the word, so its puzzling to me that you have this tendency to be jealous of others. I would think it would be the other way around.

Why not try this exercise every time you feel that nasty old monster trying to get ahold of your feelings... whoever the person might be, look them over for a good quality you see, the obvious first.. and comment to them on it. Here's an example...

Say you are at a table of men and women and the women sitting on the opposite side of your boyfriend is young, vivaciou, and perky. You feel the jealously thing emerging and so you focus on her looks for a sec and say to her, "you know...that outfit is soooo you! You simply look wonderful in it." My guess is this would do two things, send a signal to your mind that you refuse to accept the negative force behind THAT feeling that wants to emerge, AND, you made someone feel good about themself. That has to ALSO make you feel good about YOURSELF when you see HER reaction.

Kind of a pay it forward type thing. You are what you think. You don't have to hand people false praise or compliments. Find something you can LIKE about the person you feel jealousy towards, and capitalize on THAT... don't let negative feelings dictate who you AREN'T. I just bet you would make the most fabulous friend. I meant it.

I wish you peace.

JJ

Wow - this is a wonderful site for women! Within 5 minutes I received answers, especially the one from jaw jaw. You hit it on the nose that my jealousy stems from fear of abandonment. My father left when I was 2 years old and never tried to contact me. He died when I was 14. Meanwhile my mother remarried and I was just his stepdaughter, and not his favorite one either. They divorced when I was 17 and since everyone always said I'm 'exactly like mom' it felt like he divorced me too.

I really like what jaw jaw said about facing it and reprogramming my mind to overcome my jealousy instead of letting it control me. I also like the fact that I can show appreciation and uplift the "object of my jealousy" and in so doing overcome my own problem. Very wise advice and I intend to try it next time.

I also did something else that was very helpful to me. I let my boyfriend in on how I feel and on the emotional needs I have, telling him that I was not the cherished daughter of my father, nor was I the treasured wife in my first marriage so naturally I am insecure - but only insecure in the area of him. I told him that I need more reassurance than he might think I do and made sure he knew what he was signing up for.

It would be perhaps easier for me to cut this part of my life off and skip being involved with a man, since it only comes up when I'm in relationship with someone special like I am today. However, that seems less acceptable than working through it. Thank you, especially jaw jaw, for giving me some really concrete tools to help me address this crippling problem. I don't want my ministry to be weakened by this problem and now I feel like I have an important tool at my side to help me.

Welcome to the boomer women board, Oh Susanna. Your honesty in confessing is heartwarming. I hope you take JJ's advice. She's a very wise woman and has a heart of gold.

I have abandonment issues as well. My parents divorced when I was just becoming a teenager and my father was never around for my birthdays. It was hunting season and he always went. My parents went through a series of "step moms & dads" and people faded in and out of my life; including and ex husband who strayed.

I've handled my issues this way. I count my blessings. When I'm having a rough day I focus on what's good in my life. Even things like being able to see the blue sky and hear the birds sing out to each other.

Instead of dwelling on the negative of my insecurity, I turn my focus around and think about the positive aspects of my life. It works for me, I hope it'll work for you as well.

Welcome Susanna and I see you have already benefited from the wise counsel you will receive here in the forum when you ask for it! This is a GREAT place to share and lots of women here who have great ideas and suggestions - coming from their own unique experience in life.

I think JJ, Vicki and Sunflower have echoed what I would have said had I seen your question sooner so I'll just welcome you again and look forward to learning more about you here!!

Welcome! You are wise to share your concerns, and even wiser to listen and act on the advice.

I would add that you be very specific with your prayer in this area. Tell God that you don't like feeling this way. Tell Him you want Him to help you remove this trait from your life. Tell Him to give you strength when you begin to have these feelings. I promise you will feel that strength. He will be right there with you. Right smack in the middle of your conversation and thoughts. He will give you the words you need and inner thoughts to feel better about yourself and more secure.

I am so glad you chose to work with this. You are wise to share this with your boyfriend. I pray he is willing to help you through this.

Think positive. Remember we are all created equal in God's eyes!

Susana,
I am a licensed psychotherapist and although no longer choose to be in private practice, I have counseled many women with the the same problem, I couldn't have given better advice than you received from Jaw Jaw . Jelousy is a fear of loss. One thing I used to tell my clients is that you have to remeber that jelousy is not an emotion, It is a reaction to an emotion. Interestingly, how it does feel as if it is one, it is a very powerful and painful feeling. But it is the fear of rejection, the fear of not being good enough,ultimately the fear of loss and it probably really does stem from your past exerperience with your father.

There are many things you can do to help yourself not feel this way. One of them is not to punish yourself for your feelings, you do not need to add guilt to the list. When you realize that this feeling is a fear you can take the steps to break down and see why you have this fear, which you are already doing. Then we work to master the irrational thoughts that your boyfriend will leave you. You have to compare then to now and look deep to see that things are not as you fear they will be.

Even "Non-jealous" women feel jelousy at sometime in their life I bet every woman who is here will say that, so remeber this is fairly natural.

It is human nature to worry, when it seems that everything is in place and good sometimes, we "find" things to worry about. Life is good so we imagine and fear those things that will interupt it. This we call, as has been stated here, "insecurities" If we are focusing on another problem we don't have time to be jelous, it is still there underlying, but we don't have time to let the "green-eyed monster" in because we are busy worrying about something else.

You mentioned a young girl, this is another natural thing as we get older .. What are we fearing? We are no longer as desirable as we used to be.. I have felt this over and over myself. But remember, to most men, "to look at a young girl" is natural (and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend even does this much). Many times men do this becasue of THEIR fear of getting older too, Most do not stray and will tell you that they find your "older beauty" much more appealing and your wisdom and intellence, much more stimulating.( this doesn't mean young women are not intelligent or wise, but most men will not leave a mate fro a girl the age of his daughter, just becasue she is "younger" they generally do want someone with similar years as to have more commonality) We hear that men are attracted to young young women but for the most part that is not as true as we think. I know this does not help for those who have lost thier mates to a younger woman, but if the truth is know most men stray (and women too, for the energy and attention they get from a new person, not the age) To help yourself in your relationship don't forget to do something silly like you did when you were younger, something like on his birthday, fill his car up toally with balloons etc etc. if we let go of the child in us we will forget that she is there and IT IS okay to let her come out every now and again,( even healthy) YOU will feel younger yourself and more vibrant. One of the best books still around on relationships is "Light His Fire", belive it or not. I realize that you said your relationship is not threatened, but remember to add spice and fun makes YOU feel better about things.

I kind of got off the subject here but, being a relationship therapist for years, I couldn't reist.

I hope you find things to help you overcome this as I know it is a painful feeling and can eat away at you. YOu received so much good advice here that I think you can and have begun to see what is really the problem . Pick it apart and you can begin to understand it, understand it and you can begin to change it.

Good luck and just keep remeber how beautiful and HONEST you are.