Trust is something that is earned and proven. It sounds like you are putting all of the burden for what he's done on yourself, which I'm sure he understands completely. That way, you have to change and he doesn't.

Do you have a close friend you can talk to? Can you go to a therapist or a group counseling session? I think it would help you a lot and you'll be able to clarify your true emotions.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really am.