ok, big breath and here we go...

i never dreamed that posting about my 'mother's heart' would create so much varied discussion but i think it is a good thing! as for myself, it was my own mother's heart i was writing about and having found so many others by sharing that is a wonderful feeling. it was not my intention to imply that there is something exclusive about it. there is a huge territory of love surrounding every WOMAN'S heart and i'm so glad to have stepped into the overlapping territories represented here. this thread has brought to mind something i wrote in 2001. apply to your own hearts as needed...

"Adoption of the Heart

I have been thinking a lot lately about "adoption of the heart." It is a great cure for the bitterness which could so easily creep in after the death of my child. I can't touch her silky young face, I can no longer hold her in my arms, tell her I love her or tuck her in under the sparkle of stars.

How could this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did MY child die? Why didn't I keep her home that day? Other people live through car accidents, why not my daughter? Who decided she had to die? Questions such as these could haunt my every waking moment if I let them. I could submerse myself for the rest of my life in philosophy and theology, searching and longing for answers and explanations. Why? Why? Why? If only...if only...if only...

I still ask those questions now and then, but I have realized that if I truly live with the expectation of answers I will become selfish and bitter in my quest. There is a huge cavern in my heart, echoing with the absence of Melissa. It will always be there for there is no substitute for her. I have, however, found a way to dull the loneliness of this place. "Adoption of the heart."

In my heart I have adopted all the children I love. I follow their growth and progress with interest and cheer them on as a rapt fan. The wonderful thing is that so many of them, right down to the youngest, seem to understand that my need for them is born of great pain. They return my affection tenfold.

I can offer the watchful eye and concern of a mom, the indulgence of a grandmother and the listening ear of a friend. I possess this big chunk of mothering which was reserved for Melissa and is no longer needed by her. I spread it around liberally. Because I don't have the responsibilities of their real moms I can be indulgent and generous in my attentions to them, like a grandmother. And I love to listen to them. Listening to the hearts of my adopted brood gives me glimpses of what might have been in Missi's and if I listen very carefully, I occasionally see the little part of her which was left in each of them.

No, there will never be a substitute for my own daughter. I will always feel the pain of her absence; the loss of the one person on earth who could echo the best parts of me and whose heart was so closely bound to my own. But I can defeat the bitterness of my pain by embracing the joy given so freely by my "other" children through "adoption of the heart." "

Flipperjo, that was exquisite. I actually got glimpses of myself in there, particularly in regard to my husband's granddaughter - who has become my own in every other way possible...we don't need blood ties to recognize the kindred spirit we've found in each other.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful wisdom. I suspect that your words "adoption of the heart" will become entrenched in my being and perspective now.

FlipperJo..
Your "Adoption of the Heart" is magnificent!!! Would you mind if I copy it and send it to a few of my girlfriends? and along those lines...My son's roommate Brent has no biological family..His Dad was an only child and he died when Brent was 13...his Mom, also an only child, raised Brent alone...Brent himself is an only child..2 years ago at the age of 26 , Brent's Mom died of leukemia..here is this kid..alone..no parents, no grandparents, no siblings, no cousins...standing by his Mom's coffin..it broke my heart in 2..soon after that he moved into my son's house..and he shares all of his holidays with us..last summer he bought himself a king sized bed and so as a surprise I ran out and bought new bedding and hung curtains and had his college soccer jersey framed and hung that over his bed..he was so happy when he came home and found his room decorated that he just picked me up and hugged me so long and hard I thought i heard a rib crack..he told me that it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him since he was little boy..and from that day on he has called me Mom...I feel sorry for myself for no longer having parents at 52...this kid was so alone..but now he has adopted my family and me..that is why "Adoption of the heart" hit home for me...thanks again FlipperJo for your eloquence

eagle and nancy - thank you for telling me what my words mean to you - i am blessed by your responses.

eagle, i have a feeling your heart/granddaughter is a very lucky girl having you in her life!

nancy, thank you for sharing about brent. i could feel his pain through your words and know that he is blessed to have you, too.

we hosted an exchange student from finland and for a shorter time, one from norway - both girls. both have lost their mothers since they were here. i have been over to visit them, but how i wish i could be there so much more. they are adoptees in my heart and i know they keep me in theirs, too.

yes, nancy, go ahead and make copies but please add my full name, JoAnne Rademacher.

thanks!

Tisk, tisk, LOL

Thanks Joanne..
I just sent your inspirational piece on to some ladies who I know will cherish every
word..

flipper, you are so wise to embrace this attitude. And the children who know you are blessed.

I've seen a couple pieces of your writing in here. Do you have lots more? Are you considering putting together a book?

chatty lady, i find your "tisk tisk LOL" to be highly inappropriate and hurtful in the context of this thread.

dotsie, thank you for your encouragement. yes, i do have a collection of articles i've written. i have toyed with the idea of a book and my family would like me to put it together but i've had so many irons in the fire, i haven't had the energy to pursue the book. it is definitely something i want to do as soon as we get our business back on a solid footing. i really appreciate your kindness and caring heart!

What beautiful words, Flipperjo. They touched my heart very deeply. Thank you for sharing here.