Welcome Di,

4 pregnancies
0 births

first 3 were miscarriages. 4th was a tubal pregnancy that came within 1/4" of killing me. Since I had 20% odds of future pregnancies being tubal again, I took that as a big major sign that I wasn't supposed to have kids.

For 5 or 10 years thereafter, I'd feel kinda rueful whenever I'd see a little girl with big dark eyes, but then it passed. I don't feel barren. I don't think my life is any less for not having children, just different.

As far as other people being insensitive -- people who are insensitive rarely stop at one issue. I look at it as their personality flaw and not my problem. Yes, they can hurt you, so I'd do my best to avoid certain folks.

Meredith, I am sorry to hear that. How painful that must have been. And you are right, not less, but different. Great point.

We went through four years of infertility before adopting.

I'm so sorry, Meredith. Thanks for posting what you did. I've never had an opportunity to even KNOW what it was like to be pg, but also the sadness that has ensued for you. How very sad.

And there must be LOTS of people with personality flaws, 'cause insensitivity regarding infertility, barrenness or childlessness is rampant in this society of teen pregnancy and grancparents raising grandchildren.

Meredith,
I had a friend who chose not to have kids and I told her it was not in the cards to have kids . People tend ot judge and they should not . It was not in the cards for you either . You are a wonderful and caring person and you give us lots of hope in life .

What gets me is that some of the folks who are insensitive about women without children, are the same ones who popped their babies out like so much burnt toast, and raise them with about as much values.

Nancy, thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I agree with what you said.

Di, I am sorry for your pain but I'll respectfully disagree with you. I was not meant to have children. If God/Goddess/Universe wanted me to have children, then I would have. Satan has no power over me.

I am saddened that I never had a daughter. I'm equally regretful that I didn't follow through on my mathematics or pursue a career in music. They are all paths not taken. There would have been greatness in any of them, and they are all closed doors. Some paths were chosen for me, and others I chose myself. Either way, I accept it and am at peace with it. I am on the path I was meant to travel.

Having reproductive organs and hatching out burnt toast does not make one a mother or a nurturer, only a breeder. Too many people reproduce because they can. Too many people bring children into the world that are unwanted, unloved, and un-taken care of.

If we were all meant to be (fill in the blank here...) would there be blindness? deafness? other dysfunctions in our bodies? Bodies are not perfect. We are so much more than our body parts.

This imperfect body is temporary housing for my soul, and I'm eternally grateful for the experiences which it has given me in this lifetime.

I feel the need to say some things -

I am a mother. of two. And of two who were unborn also. Miscarriages.

But of the two who blessed my life - one was so ill. And one was not only NOT ill, but excelled in all that he did - does. And both loved by me.

My point tho', is this....We cannot discern what is meant for our lives (mine nor my children's). I believe that our lives have a point. With or without children. Well or unwell. I have railed against my child's illness - screamed until my voice was gone, or scarcely heard - and still do. We went through such agonizing pain with this illness that it has hurt us all and those who loved us. But also stregthened some and changed many lives for the good. I could say "WHY?????", WHY""""". But I have never done this. Because, why not?. Who am I to expect that I should be given any special disspensation for grief? I should not. Nor should any other in this life of joy, pain, learning, and giving. I am but one of countless sorrows, who will either jump off a bridge, or make some use of my sorrows, and this, after all, is a choice.

My choice is that I shall live - for my son, for my daughter who is with us on earth no more - for you and I, and for my Sam and his children.....And , if all the "Gods" in Heaven were to see fit that my son should leave me as well, I would hope that you women would see me to the place that I could say, "We are here together to perform a task, with or without our children - born or not"........Or if born, ill, or champions - each giving what they were intended to do...........

Let us not make this a difference between us, but a bond that will strengthen our world. Let us understand each other. Our biological need to further our own, but also our social need to gather our sisters in strength and unity to gain a better place to change our world for the gain of all......

To be a little glib - my dad used to to say, "nobody ever said it was fair, Jo".......So I guess I never expected it to be fair. And, indeed, it has not been....

Happy Thanksgiving All - and even tho' things have been rather unforgiving in the past year - or 30 - I still have many thanks.....One of them being YOU.....

Searcher

PS - I have also learned, if it helps anyone, to count my blessings, ONE by ONE. Literally. It will just change your way of thinking. Just COUNT them - one by one. It helps. And keep a record.

Today, I had so many blessings, I cannot EVEN count them. In one day. SOOOOOOOOOO many.

And BTW, I am not a particularly "religious" person...

Great thoughts. Lots to think about.

Searcher, you mentioned asking why not?

I guess I was raised to question why bad things happened to good people. Like just because you lived a good life, nothing bad should happen to you. I am ashamed to say that because it is so shallow.

While in my 30's we had a minister at our church who had been raised a good part of her life in the mission field. While conversing with her one day, she pointed out to me that there was something she didn't understand about the majority of people in our church family. Why did they think nothing bad should happen to them, or their loved ones. Like we were exempt, or something... She didn't get that way of thinking because she had been raised to think...why shouldn't bad things happen to us? Why should we be exempt?

That one conversation changed my way of thinking for life, and I am so grateful.

Some people think God is punishing them when soemthing bad happens. I don't believe He is a punishing God. I believe he is a loving God who allows us to use our circumstances to soften us to wisdom when we are tuned in to Him.

Who did I think I was that I should question and think no ill harm should come upon my loved ones and me? I now shudder at the pompous thought.

One of the toughest times in my life was living through infertility because all I really wanted to do when I grew up was get married and have children. Sounds silly for someone of my generation, but I came from a loving home and wanted to do what Mom did.

But I learned so much during those four years and the adoption years that followed. God's plan was better than mine. I adopted two, then gave birth to one. All a blessing, and nothing I ever would have dreamed of doing at the onset of infertility because adoption was foreign to me.