Bonny...

My dad went to work each and every day...but starting on Fridays he was in the local bar spending (some weeks)all of his paycheck. We were the only people I knew who had a new coffee table every week, he wasn't a happy drunk.
You could find supper thrown all over the kitchen walls...because it wasn't fresh and warm like first cooked.
My mother was either slapped, flung into walls, punched or walked around with protruding black eyes all the time. I was told weekly, how much he hated me, and I knew to stay out of his way. Most of the time you could find me crouched in the closet.
It wasn't my brother who molested me, it was a uncle.
When your brought up in this kind of environment, it's all you really know.

My first marriage lasted 13 years...he drank like a fish, verbally abusive. At first he tried smacking and hitting on me. Too many years had passed watching my mom being beat down ...it wasn't going to happen.
I remember grabbing a kitchen knife when he came at me and backing him into a corner, knife held to his throat. Told him if he ever touched me again....I would run him through...if I couldn't do it then, I would do it while he slept. He never touched me again...think he thought I was a crazy woman.
Might have been...I was fed up with that life. We had 4 kids and I didn't want them to have to see or go through what I had during my childhood.

I went through many, many years of therapy, and believe me you it helps.
Took me a year and a half just to be able to leave my husband.
When you are brought up in an abusive situation it's all you really know...mine was so dysfunctional.
As a child...I thought everyone had the same life, I did. Never realized they didn't till I was older.
When I did decide to move on and include another man in my life I prayed for God to send me someone totally different than my dad, or ex husband.
He did...I am so thankful.

Your not a failure...you need to seek help so you can heal. Let someone show you how to love your self. You have already taken the first step...by telling others.
I did it for myself and my children.
I wanted the abuse to stop here...right here.
Someone has to put an end to it all...why not us???

I just want you to know...your not alone.
PM me anytime you need to talk.