You're not blaming it on your upbringing so much as living the effects of it. You've been treated so badly and no one should have to endure what you have. You're not a failure. You have been looking for real love, no one can blame you for that.
(((HUGS)))

Thanks Bluebird.

Oh Bonny,

Do you have a way of getting some professional help? These problems that you have had in your life, I believe require more than what we are able to provide.....These are very serious = I have concern for you....

You are NOT a failure, and all those things you mentioned surely affect your choices in men!!! And remember, Elizabeth Taylor was married, well, I can't remember HOW many times, so you are in good company...there are many, many, many others as well..... You really need some help here, I feel so badly for your self-image. Of course you need to take control of your life, but that's not an easy thing to do, especially under your circumstances...Let us know what you are feeling.......And take courage! Even these things can be worked out for you!!!!

Searcher

There you go, Bluebird, couldn't be better said....And in so fewer words!!!!

Welcome new boomers!

Good grief Bonny, don't feel bad for 3 failed marriages. It happens. All the time. The real losers are those men who lost you. I once wore my failed marriages like old rags and like you I was ashamed, but now I wear them like a badge of courage. I'm proud to have survived and now I'm going to thrive.

I say divorces are like having bought the wrong car parts. The exes just didn't fit. The way I see it, I'm a Cadillac and they were Fords so they were the wrong parts.

For a long time I felt like a failure because of being married several times, but my present husband says it's just cause I'm so cute that men can't resist me and I can't make up my mind. (But he's prejudiced--And goofy)

Eventhough you apparently came from a terrible background, the horrible part is over now except as a memory to learn from. And just look at all you've accomplished. Despite what you have endured, three men found you irresistable. You have a great family and you don't need a husband to be complete. Your children are helping you, your grandchildren love you, and what more is there? Grandchildren are the best.

You say you have given up on the love scene, but there's a lot of love in the world and most of it doesn't come from men. It sounds like love is all around you in your children and grandchildren. Revel in it. If another guy comes along, wear your marriages like the learning experiences they were. The guys who lost you are the ones to be embarrassed and ashamed.

If you need professional help, I hope you get it, but either way, there's people here to befriend and encouragage you.

I'm saying a prayer for you this very night.

smile

Bonny, welcoome to BWS. You will find a lot to talk about here, and many women who care. I had a childhood similar to yours, including being molested by my older brother. I had low self-esteem and feelings of failure too. However, in the last 5 years I was able to take charge of my life through counseling (for one thing.) It no longer matters to me what my mother's relationship to my brother is. That is not my business, so I don't get bitter about it. What matters most is my relationship with myself and my relationship with God. You will find your way. You can start by thinking of what you achieve. I started small. I used to consider myself successful if I got out of bed that day. I was super successful if I got out of bed and then made the bed. I am available via private messaging if you would prefer. Love and Light, Lynn

Hello to Kats Meow too. That is a great screen name!

Bonny...

My dad went to work each and every day...but starting on Fridays he was in the local bar spending (some weeks)all of his paycheck. We were the only people I knew who had a new coffee table every week, he wasn't a happy drunk.
You could find supper thrown all over the kitchen walls...because it wasn't fresh and warm like first cooked.
My mother was either slapped, flung into walls, punched or walked around with protruding black eyes all the time. I was told weekly, how much he hated me, and I knew to stay out of his way. Most of the time you could find me crouched in the closet.
It wasn't my brother who molested me, it was a uncle.
When your brought up in this kind of environment, it's all you really know.

My first marriage lasted 13 years...he drank like a fish, verbally abusive. At first he tried smacking and hitting on me. Too many years had passed watching my mom being beat down ...it wasn't going to happen.
I remember grabbing a kitchen knife when he came at me and backing him into a corner, knife held to his throat. Told him if he ever touched me again....I would run him through...if I couldn't do it then, I would do it while he slept. He never touched me again...think he thought I was a crazy woman.
Might have been...I was fed up with that life. We had 4 kids and I didn't want them to have to see or go through what I had during my childhood.

I went through many, many years of therapy, and believe me you it helps.
Took me a year and a half just to be able to leave my husband.
When you are brought up in an abusive situation it's all you really know...mine was so dysfunctional.
As a child...I thought everyone had the same life, I did. Never realized they didn't till I was older.
When I did decide to move on and include another man in my life I prayed for God to send me someone totally different than my dad, or ex husband.
He did...I am so thankful.

Your not a failure...you need to seek help so you can heal. Let someone show you how to love your self. You have already taken the first step...by telling others.
I did it for myself and my children.
I wanted the abuse to stop here...right here.
Someone has to put an end to it all...why not us???

I just want you to know...your not alone.
PM me anytime you need to talk.

Bonny ,
Please Talk to Lynnie . Her book is wonderful and a private message will help . She has helped a lot of us girls on this site . Please give her a talk .

[ January 06, 2006, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: Nancy50 ]