Thoughts are like compost. Sometimes you have to let them settle, heat up, then rotate them back to the top of the heap.

To answer your question, yes, I do have several really good girlfriends that I love dearly. I'm very fortunate.

Well, my friend that baffled me so much called the other day and is back to her old self. The unselfish, calm one I first met. I'm really beginning to think it could be a Bi Polar thing or something. Maybe ADD. I don't know. But, such is life and I will value those who love me.

Dianne,

I had a friend once who was actually diagnosed Bi-Polar. Our first relationship was in the seventies. She was so "out there", and I was so reserved at the time that it seemed an odd relationship. She would do anything on a dare. Life around her was never boring.

The next phase of our relationship was after a twenty year break. By that time I had changed a great deal and had a lot of experiences under my belt. She, however, had so many problems because of the emotional roller coaster that was her life that the gulf between us was immense. However, the counselor side of me kicked in along with some enabling tendencies, and I spent 5 years talking to her. She called me nearly every day and talked for at least an hour. I was very blunt with her about her situations. If she had been a stranger that I was counseling, I would never have let it run on like that, but it was personal. Finally, I realized that I was allowing her to suck out all my energy. I cut her loose, and my life began to change for the better, especially in terms of my stress level.

After that I was able to see clearly that when I was young, I used her to vicariously experience the thrill of being "out there" even though her actions sometimes embarrassed me. Years later I had allowed myself to feel that I owed her something. It wasn't until I walked away that I realized that her relationship with me was not about me, and my relationship with her was not about her.

What I learned was that I have to feel OK being alone with myself first. When I can do that, it doesn't really matter how other people act. I am better able to give them a reason in my own mind for their behavior because I am not looking to blame myself. For example, your friend may just need you as a sounding board. Consequently, she would rather not have you too close because then you would be part of her world and she couldn't use you as a sounding board. The kind of friendship you have to offer her may be no more than that - a release, a safety valve for her. She may initiate projects with you out of guilt about using you as a sounding board, but the project is not as important to her as your role as a sounding board.

You may have certain expectations about the relationship which are keeping you from viewing her objectively. If you didn't take her actions personally or want her to live up to your definition of a friend, would you mind serving as perhaps one of the ways she maintains her sanity?

The most important thing to keep in mind in your relationship with her is to monitor your own feelings. If she is draining you - as I allowed my friend to do - then it is time for you to move on because if you keep it up, you will have nothing left to give. Also, if you are not able to be OK in releasing your expectations about the relationship, then you might need to move on because you are embracing too much negativity, which isn't healthy either.

Dianne, I hope you can relate to this in some way.

Blessings, Dannye

P.S. Coming to Nashville the first week of March to scope it out before we put our house on the market.

She's settled back down again. Asks me how I'm doing, etc. It seems to run in phases. I cut her off the other day and started talking about something I needed help with and you know what? She jumped right in and really helped me! This is why I don't want to let this friendship go because that one side of her is just fantastic. It's that 100 MPH mode that wears me out. I feel like I've been running along side of her and I'm out of shape!

I appreciate your input and my sister and hubby will be here the first week of March from France so if it's on a different date (I have to check their Itenerary) I would love to get together with you, if you have time. And, I know the most wonderful realtor in the world. I love her so if you need help, let me know.
Bisou-Bisou

Yeah, I know what you mean about the 100 mph! Sometimes I felt like I had emotional whiplash from the sudden direction changes my friend made. Unfortunately, drinking added to her problems, which seemed to exacerbate her moods.

Of course, people that have BiPolar are not all alike because they have their own unique personalities. I don't think my friend had the ability to external consider, which kept her closely focused on her own needs.

Glad to hear your relationship is getting better though.
Dannye

People with Bipolar are different and unique, but may display some similar traits. For example, Bipolar means "two" ... as in Two Extremes. One is the "manic" phase, or the 100 mph phase that your friend is experiencing. The other is the "depressive" phase. There is actually a THIRD phase which is when the person is "normal" or "balanced". That could be the phase your friend is experiencing now when she's being helpful.

Too often, people go undiagnosed for years or sometimes their entire life without getting help. What I would have given to have friends around who could help to recognize the phases and be there for me. But, I kept people at a distance for the most part.

Many bipolars have two sets of friends, one for the manic side and one for the "normal" side. During the depressive phase, they lose interest in all outside influences and kinda hibernate. It's possible that your friend is cycling through her phases. Some bipolars cycle fast, others slower and more drawn out.

Some bipolars tend to run through friendships quickly and are constantly making "new" friends because they simply wear their old friends out. It sounds like you are reaching that point with your friend. I wonder if she even recognizes this in herself. Most bipolars don't realize what's going on until someone else points it out for them (like a counselor or psychiatrist). Only then can they look back on their life and see the cycles for what they really are.

Those with Bipolar do not understand what is happening to them as their moods shift and change. They only feel out of control and unable to stop themselves. It's like being on a rollercoaster that never ends. With each loop and twist it's like "here we go again".

I don't know how to tell you to help your friend. I'm not sure what proper etiquette is to tell someone you suspect them of having a mental illness. No one told me. Only after seeing my doctor for many years did he recognize the symptoms in me, then he came up with the diagnosis. It was only after that when I started reading about Bipolar did I begin to understand what was happening to me.

Bipolar truly is an illness that affects everyone around you. People who have it can't help but "infect" those around them with their personality changes and their moods. I am very careful to monitor my moods and determine whether or not I'm capable of being around others. However, I'm on a cocktail of medications that give me a semblance of normalcy and stability. For those who aren't treated with medication, I can only imagine the difficulty they must face. What I faced before I was diagnosed.

I'm not sure if I helped this conversation in any way, but I felt moved to respond. If anything, I hope I helped you understand Bipolar better and how it affects someone who may not realize they have it.

Bipolar is a lonely disease. After I was diagnosed I was so scared to be around people for fear of "acting out" in some way. I gave up a lot of friendships because I didn't want to continue to be the person they were friends with and they didn't know how to be friends with the "new" me.

I hope you can find a way to help your friend.

You're right, Vickie. All those with Bipolar are different because they all have different personalities, and those traits will be expressing through the emotional range of the disorder.

My friend had been diagnosed when I first met her and was taking Lithium. However, it was the alcoholic family in which she was raised that influenced the nature of her "acting out" more than the disorder. After I knew her, I met another individual diagnosed with BP. Her personality was so much different that you couldn't compare the two experiences except in a clinical way.

That's why I think it is so important to try to look past any disorder to see the person behind it. Because even in our disorders, we are entirely unique and deserve to be seen as such.

From the posts I have been reading, you sound like an incredibly bright and giving individual. My personal philosophy would be to see the BP as a gift that has forced you into looking very closely at yourself, perhaps in a way you might never have if not for the BP. It may be the very thing that makes you able to cross thresholds you might have been reluctant to in the past. It certainly sounds to me like you are embracing the possibilities in your life.

Isn't it exciting to see how many different journeys we are all on? Especially when we have so many other wonderful women to share them with!
LOL

Dannye, I couldn't agree with you more. When I was diagnosed with Bipolar, it was as if I "woke" to a new person. It's very much an introspective disease. It really makes you look at yourself in a whole new light and be so aware of who you are, what you're feeling, and how you're doing at any given moment during the day.

I have learned so much more about myself than I think I ever could before my diagnosis, only because I think I would have just continued on with my life, la la la, not digging too deep below the surface. Basically existing through life.

Since then, I've dug way below the surface, and discovered things about myself that have made me happy and sad. Sad, because I felt a deep loss for not being diagnosed sooner. And, for putting others and myself through so much suffering and pain.

But, I feel so much better about myself. I am grateful for a "second" chance at life. And, I'm grateful for the medication that has put me on this new path to self discovery.

BWS is the best place I've found where I can share honestly about myself and not feel threatened or afraid. I think the women here are absolutely awesome and count them as close friends.

Vicki,

Yeah, it is so great to be able to admit to your foibles without being concerned that it is going to bite you in the butt! No matter how great any of us is in our chosen professions, we are all still human. What we know intellectually and can even counsel others about doesn't necessarily transfer into our own experiences. We have to be able to accept the knowledge on an emotional level before it actually results in a change in our lives. And, as I'm sure everyone will agree, that's the hard part.

Getting your thoughts and feelings in sync on the kinds of experiences you want to have is the crux of the concept we call personal growth.

But, it's the work that makes it so rewarding - just like the work of the caterpillar/butterfly as it tries to free itself from the cocoon. It is an important part of the process.

BWS is great because we get to be human in a protected environment as we struggle to make our individual dreams come true!