Woo hoo! Thanks for the chuckles, Jabber!

It was so cold today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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"I hear Susan is a twin."
"That's right."
"How do people know which is which?"
"Her brother has a mustache."
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"My cousin in New York City finally stopped complaining about finding a parking place."
"What happened?"
"He bought a parked car."

Love your jokes, Jabber!

And it WAS cold here this morning. In the 40s outside and 65 in the house. I ended up turning on the heat! That is SO WRONG!

"She says, with her new haircut, she doesn't look like an old lady anymore."
"She's right. She looks like an old man."
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Are you wearing a new hairstyle, or are we having an electrical storm?
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Somebody tell me why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight!

She thinks good manners is putting cream in your coffee before you pour it in your saucer.
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"I hear your wife's got you on a strict exercise program. Do you feel like a new man?"
"I sure do. The old one wasn't so sore!"
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"Hey!" the foreman shouted. "Why aren't you working?"
"Because I didn't see you coming!"
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That hen lays eggs so big, it only takes eight of them to make a dozen.

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"What did your parents want you to do when you grew up?"
"Leave home."

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"How many employees work in your factory?"
"Oh, I'd say about half of them."

"Four years ago, my cousin ran for state senator."
"What's he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
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"I know everything it takes to be a good politician."
"Liar."
"That's one of 'em."
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In a recent poll, 78 percent of those polled said they disliked being polled.
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I grew up on the tenth floor of a high rise apartment building. Mom used to send me and my brother out on the balcony to play Frisbees.
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"My new boyfriend is a truck farmer."
"Don't be silly. Trucks come from factories."
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She: "Do you win at gambling?"
He: "Oh, you know how it is...I win one day, lose the next."
She: "Gee, why don't you gamble every other day?"

Judge to Litigant: "You say this fellow drove through your fence, knocked down your mailbox, smashed your plastic lawn flamingos, bounced off your porch, and ran into the pickup truck in your yard?"

Litigant: "That's right, your honor."

Judge: "Are you suing for damages?"

Litigant: "Shoot, no! I got enough damages! I'm suing for repairs."

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"That last batch o' moonshine you made was too strong."
"Couldn't you drink it?"
"Oh, I finally drank it. But now, every time I sneeze, I burn holes in the curtains."

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She's had so many divorces, she's spent more time in court than Perry Mason.

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"I used to hunt grizzly bears with a club."
"I don't believe that."
"Why not?"
"Because it's too dangerous, hunting grizzly bears with a club."
"Well, I don't do it anymore, anyway."
"Why not?"
"The membership fees got too high."
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Father to Daughter: "It's a good thing you chose to take accounting at school."
Daughter: "How come?"
Father: "Because I want you to account for coming home at five A.M."
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"How many brothers and sisters do you have?"
"Three."
"Are you the oldest in your family?"
"No, sill. Daddy is!"

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