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#208557 - 10/22/10 01:24 PM
Re: Conflicted
[Re: yonuh]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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You share a son with your ex. This in itself is something good.
Yonuh and others here:
With deep grief and sadness, I share now the bad news that a sister committed suicide. I just returned from flying out to her funeral.
She is the sister 1 yr. younger than I. I have posted a photo in the past here on this forum of her with her family. She leaves 2 adult children (daughter 25 and son, 23) and a loving husband.
She was in deep depression for last few months though she did not disclose it to all family members. She's had bouts ..and was on anti-depressants but refused psychiatric help. I feel so strongly now that had she been advised for psychotherapy, it might be have been a different outcome.
It is very difficult to also see my father grieve and also support his wife, my mother. Just before my sister's death, we found out that my father's prostate cancer is progressing abit more.
I have many thoughts of my sister and also of my parents, who are now more visibly smaller, greyer and weaker.
There are other things going for me personally, which I need to sort out over time.
For her children, they each gave impressive euologies about their mother, considering their grief over the tragic and sudden death of their mother and the stress.
The small solace I take is that I have loved and known my sister for long enough to know the best of her, her potential and what may have troubled her (though no one is completely sure), and also that her children are old enough to appreciate and articulate on their love and appreciation of their mother in a multi-faceted way.
Perhaps yonuh, your son and yourself find what his life did provide, as a starting point. Whereas the other weaknesses can be brought forward for context.
I did not mean to hijack this thread. It is about inner struggle with conflicting questions and feelings over significant family members in our lives.
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#208559 - 10/22/10 02:34 PM
Re: Conflicted
[Re: orchid]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Orchid, I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart feels your sorrow and grieves with you.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#208560 - 10/22/10 02:48 PM
Re: Conflicted
[Re: yonuh]
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Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 601
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Yonuh, I don't see why you *shouldn't* feel conflicted. After all, the relationship you had with your ex-husband died a long time ago. I'm sure you didn't wish his death, but there were many struggles, many difficulties, and finally the end of a partnership. It's perfectly normal to feel shocked at the news and also kind of distant.
I can assure you that for some of my relatives, and all of my husband's, their demise will just mean more family trouble. There just are not a lot of good memories there and there is an enormous amount of dysfunction. Any regret will be what might been have under completely different circumstances -- and that's just fantasizing. I'm just being honest here.
And Orchid, I'm so sorry to hear of your deep and shocking loss. This is a terrible, terrible blow to a family. Gentle thoughts for all of you.
Edited by Ellemm (10/22/10 05:21 PM)
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#208561 - 10/22/10 03:11 PM
Re: Conflicted
[Re: yonuh]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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Yonuh,
My ex died some years ago. I had stayed in touch with him on a regular basis over the years after our divorce, as our children were VERY young (my oldest was a mere kindergartner and she is now 32) when we divorced and we shared joint custody. He died a few days short of that same daughter's 13th birthday.
I knew he was dying -- he'd had cancer, been in remission and then it came back -- because by the time it happened, he'd become too ill to care for the kids, and I had sole custody.
STILL I was amazed at the impact his death had on me. Even though I'd thought all my feelings for this man had died at the time of the divorce - and I was happily remarried by the time of his death -- I actually felt somewhat like a grieving widow.
This took me by surprise, of course, and thankfully, Steve was an immensely supportive rock. (Though I think he had some challenges with his boss when he asked for bereavement leave to attend his wife's ex-husband's funeral.)
But Orchid and Ellemm are right. The two of you shared a life and had a child together, and though your time together with him is no more, I am not surprised that you find yourself feeling conflicted.
My best advice: Just realize that it's normal for you to feel the way you do, and allow yourself a bit of time to grieve. It is a final time of closure for you.
Sending you you my love and prayers.
Edited by Anne Holmes (10/22/10 03:12 PM)
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#208570 - 10/22/10 10:24 PM
Re: Conflicted
[Re: yonuh]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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May your boys keep well, yonuh during this time.
____________________________
Thanks for you all for your kind words so far. I told a friend whom I've known face to face for over the past 16 yrs. She told me her father committed suicide at 64 yrs...20 yrs. ago. I just learned of this and just am flabbergasted and shocked.
Seems like many people just walk around conflicted, holding a private /personal knowledge for large chunks of time when a suicide happens in family. It's difficult to talk a whole lot about it to people who aren't friends or aren't trained professionals in this area, because a person...doesn't have the answers and...sometimes doesn't feel like trying to give context/explanations to everyone else who learns about it. Which is how I feel about it right now.
I fear very much for the health of my father now. However my parents are talking more openly about their reserved cemetary plots, etc. which they bought many years ago.
Right now my head and heart trying to process multiple things. (and shouldn't be here on a forum vs. doing other stuff). I wish this was just a strange, awful dream.
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