What should be done?

It's complicated to explain, so please follow closely:

My sister, whom I'll call Jane, has a daughter, nearly 40 years old who lives out of state, whom I'll call Sally. Sally and Husband had financial difficulties -- husband lost his employment when the housing market crashed. Not only that, but their house lost its value after they took out a 2nd mortgage to buy a bigger house from a relative of Husband. Husband had been working on that house, and they sank money into it, when both that house and their own were foreclosed. Terrible situation.

This summer before the houses were finally auctioned, Sally wanted her mom Jane to buy the relative's house (the bigger, more expensive one) and rent it back to them until the market came back and then they'd buy it from her. Jane actually considered it, and asked the bank, but the house was worth more than Jane's own house, even at the reduced rate. The bank said that Jane would have to mortgage her own house at 80% of its value. Sally told Jane that Jane could get a mortgage at zero percent, but Jane said that's impossible.

Problem: Sally lost her house and isn't speaking to Jane. Jane is heartsick about it. Sally lets the grandkids get on the phone occasionally, but she herself doesn't talk to her mom, doesn't email, doesn't visit. Jane has left phone messages, left email messages, but nothing for 3 months now.

Question: What should Jane do? Should she scold Sally? Should she plead with her? Should she wait it out? I go back adn forth with my advice, but just don't know what's best!

Sally got herself in this mess. How dare she use her mother as a scapegoat.

Jane should write a brief letter to her daughter, stating that she realizes her daughter and family are going through hard times. Tell her her home is open to them, if they ever should need a place. No long explanations or bitterness should be in the letter. A sympathetic tone, could be enough to appease Sally.

No way should she ever plead with her daughter. Jane is the mother, and should never allow her daughter to put her into such a demeaning state.

Jane could send a package to the children, with food, and clothes, coloring books and crayons etc. But, also there,...don't overdo it.

No matter how her daughter decides, Jane should keep up the contact with her grandchildren. They are the link that will eventually bring them all back together.

DJ,
I agree with and like Edelweiss' advice. I hope Jane and Sally
get it patched up soon. Life is short. None of us should allow
personality issues to divide the family!

I agree with Edelweiss. I feel really sorry for Sally and her family, but asking her mother to voluntarily assume the same level of financial risk that got her in trouble is no help to the family at all. I think people, if things are going well, have a right to hope that relatives will help out when things get tough. But this is more like helping with bills or groceries -- not buying people homes that are more expensive than your own.

The family will not benefit if Grandma goes down as well. At least now she has a home they can all use if things get even worse. I'd definitely stay in contact with the kids, write the letter, and hope the daughter comes around.

Dear all ,
These are all very calm and caring ideas and should work -- if Sally is reasonable about it all. I will definitely pass this along to my sis. Right now, she's feeling like a terrible mother for not pulling through, and for possibly just having failed to educated her daughter in some fundamental way.

I have always very much admired this young lady (Sally) for her strength and originality, and fearlessness in her life, and was frankly quite shocked that she has been behaving this way! It's _so_ hard on her mom who's beating herself up, wondering where she went wrong as a parent.

I especially like what Edelweiss said: "No way should she ever plead with her daughter. Jane is the mother, and should never allow her daughter to put her into such a demeaning state." This is a very key point. I think moms sometimes lose sight of their role -- they often become forgetful that they have a right to dignity as well! I guess at a certain point in a parent's life, they think, hey, my kid's an adult and should deal as an adult. As I said, Jane is wracking her brain, wondering how she could've raised such a daughter. And I wonder too, having watched my niece grow up.

Do you think that generation, the gen-xers, are just very different from Boomers? Do they expect the world to be a rose garden all the time, and everyone's a winner? or what? I've been hearing that some college kids today think it's beneath themselves to take on entry-level minimum wage jobs -- helloooo? haven't they seen the shambles the economy is in? Do they think life is like tv sitcoms? It's really baffling.

DJ, this year my son and I had a lot of problems. He was unreasonable, nasty, and full of anger...all directed towards me. Why? - Because his life was falling in shambles, and I was his “safe” scapegoat. I see a lot of similarities here with my situation.

Now my son and I are family again. I’ll tell you how….

I totally understand what Jane is going through, and how a mother even questions her own parenting. I did the same. But as soon as I stopped beating myself about this, and distanced myself emotionally from the situation, I felt a strength of independence and also a new found self respect. Three months went by, and I never heard from my son. On my son’s court day,
(he's fighting for sole custody ), I called and wished him luck. That broke the ice, and now he's over our house every weekend.

What I’m saying is, the longer your niece stays away from your sister, the harder it may be for her to swallow her pride and contact her mother. So eventually, just a phone call, letting her daughter know she is thinking of her may be needed, in order to break the silence. Another thing; - I refused to talk to my son about his unruly behaviour. I knew it wouldn’t help. Our separation all ready said more than words could. So if the daughter wants to start up with her mother again, Jane should very quietly, but firmly say it won’t help to rehash things. They should just make a new start. And hopefully Sally will be relieved to do so, and at the same time, she saved face in the process.

DJ you ask..
"Do they think life is like tv sitcoms?"

I believe many people do think just that...in this media age..when drama is played over and over in soap opera..
and that in a few episodes the writers have highs and lows..love life and death
so healthy interaction with outdoor activites...caring for animals and being aware of the third world poverty is as essential for our young generation as connecting with heros on TV.
good literature with cross culture issues and calm surroundings is as essential in teenage years as good nuturing is for a baby.

we boomers were sold Hollywood..Doris Day slapping mens faces and John Wayne smacking Maureen OHara bottom so we absorbed a quirky female role just as your niece feels Mother holds all the answers.Early on we promise our babies the moon the stars and the Universe then we grow as women.

this economic climate is a rerun of the Depression years.My elders had less then than I have now..my nation has shown me security but things are achanging in the UK due to a coalition Government having a different perspective than previous powers..
we have to adapt
my slant does not change the sad situation for your relations..but we are a product of what we inherited just as your niece is..

Edelweiss -- those are very wise insights about how to restore the relationship, especially the need to save face for the daughter and to move on. Yes, I guess Moms are often the safe scapegoat. I remember when my own mom was in her 50s, she was trying to establish a decent relationship with her mother before it was too late. They always lived near each other and talked every single day, but their relationship was very formal. their personalities were opposite.

Mountain Ash -- You make me understand that this "economic downturn" is really international. I hear that, but usually don't feel it. Maybe during tough times, people cling even more strongly to those stereotypical stories with happy ever after endings. And that "quirky female" role, LOL! That really is a mixed message with Doris Day slapping men, and John Wayne spanking women. What kind of message does _that_ give a young girl? Still, it's much more nuanced that the continual lewd (I tried putting in a 4 letter word that starts with p, ends with n and has or in the middle but the system censored it) dancing of Miley and Brittney and even Beyonce.

Can guess what the word is DJ.

Wartime in Europe brought stiff upper lip family films and the fifties here showed the US as an affluent nation eg supermarkets with plenty on their shelves and modern fridges whilst we had food shortage.also teenagers driving to college..this just did not happen in post war UK.
So media is slanted to what the economy is going through.
wheras alternative media..eg modern art and theatre can at times relect a "better truth".we had Kitchen sink drama for example.

one of the first lessons in some counselling training is to speak about a favourite book.,.it lends the tutor partially an insight to a trainees mind set.

Is the word you tried to mention not just another form of escapism...rather base but an ofskew fairy tale..

MA -- I was trying to say


Still, it's much more nuanced than the continual lewd p-rn dancing of Miley and Brittney and even Beyonce. I mean, really -- if you watch the women in music videos, they're doing a lot of stripper moves, and more.