My husband isn't sick, but as he nears his 70th birthday, I have the same fear, more that he'll die before I'm ready! I can't even allow that myself to contemplate that one, or it really depresses me, so I try to just enjoy each day, and as you say, celebrate the time we DO have here and now. Perhaps it's, as you say, the fear that generates the gift of presence and kinder time.

This is a deep one, there Eagle. By the bye, I see that your
birthday is July 4th. Wow! Your mom must've really heard fireworks, the day you were born. That is so neat. This idea
of God putting problems in our path, is not my belief. I believe only GOOD comes from God; dark spirits or the devil or evil spirits or however you want to express it, is where trouble
evolves. On the other hand, I have heard them say, "If you never had a problem, you wouldn't know that GOD could solve them!" Don't let go of your faith in GOD; I've seen people do that, and be destroyed by unbelief. And believe in life after death; believe you'll see those gone on before, again! Then you'll have a positive vision, that'll keep you goin'!

To disengage Eagle...we all do it in different ways..
some pretend..I value honest sincere people but we are all at different stages..
The therory of mind...where we accept that everyone lives their lives as life has opened up for them and we accept them as they are..I aim for that.
in reality if someone is against you they are not for you..

recently I heard a sermon ..in it the Minister said..if someone gives you a gift..and you dont accept it..(I thought of a plant someone wanted to give me..but I had an abundance of the variety)
Then ask who does the gift belong to? the giver.
The Minister explained that in not accepting what was offered we could go on with our lives..The giver still owned the gift.
Not everyone gives kindness..people have agendas.
By freeing myself of negativity I can continue on my chosen path..

Its hard to think of a gift as a bad thing...usually a gift brings pleasure..but when we juxtipose the example(my plant)
for whatever a hurtful person brings our way it becomes simple.
Words do hurt..and sometimes people carry that hurt..what a sad waste of energy.

This was a good idea to bring this here. As some of you know, I've been plagued by fairly severe anxiety/panic off and on over the past few years, seemingly triggered by the death of my Mom so soon after losing Dad. Fear/anxiety had crept in with the grief and completely paralyzed me into almost total dysfunction. Being here at BWS opened windows and doors and helped me to find the courage to get out my front door, for which I cannot thank you enough!! I'm still a work in progress, there are still days when it takes awhile for me to force myself out the door (unless hubby's with me, then it's no problem at all), but I'm so much further along than when I first arrived here (at that time, I couldn't even step outside to get the mail out of the mailbox!)

So I've learned the value - reward - of facing up to one's fears, especially the hidden ones, and have also learned that listening to others' experiences and wisdom often holds keys and stepping stones for further growth and stretching myself beyond where I thought I could go.

Jabber, in pondering my admission to fearing whether God exists or not, I've come to realize that even that's not the real issue. Digging deeper, I realize that the question underlying any question about God's existence is actually: "Will I see my brother again?" Perhaps the two questions are so intertwined that I can't see where one ends and the other begins. Why can I say I believe in God and Resurrection, and yet have such profound fear of never seeing my brother again? And yet, no matter how far along I get in the grief process, I keep discovering more, more triggers, more agonizing questions that can't be answered.

If fear of death/losing loved ones to death and never seeing them again is my greatest fear, I suppose the reward of facing/overcoming that fear is coming to genuine peace with unanswerable questions and recognition of the gift of now.

The other thing that keeps popping up in prayer and meditation is this: that I get to assign whatever value I want to to anything and everything going on in my life...it's entirely up to me to choose what value to assign to situations, choices, people and even thoughts (ie, the things that trigger anxiety). That ties in with what you're saying, Mountain Ash. Very powerful. Worthy of its own discussion.

Can you visulise not accepting what another person or trigger gives you..just think of my plant..easier that what the trigger is..dont invite "it" in.

It will be easier with your visualization of the plant...I need to work on being more careful and guarded where certain people (especially when they're family) are involved. There's a part of me that always wants to believe in the best of family, I forget that even family can come bearing "toxic plants" and unkind agendas.

Most people like the familar..so if we change our method of operating they can dig their heels in..sometimes we revert to our old patterns just to keep things level..
best then to either shift our method gradually..or clear the air and say that from now on I dont do.."whatever is the toxic thing"
changing the focus...diverting the topic...pat the dog..pet the cat until we can procede in the new way.
I like that we can adapt..humans having been doing it since forever...

Eagle,
I've lost many people to death in recent years, people I loved very, very much. And I've been victimized by my best friend's
step-family, greatly. If I didn't believe in God, I would have
nowhere to turn and no one to turn to. [Present BWS, not included I can and do come here often and am uplifted and grateful!] I believe in God; I believe in the hereafter; and I believe in the Holy Ghost Comforter! I couldn't keep going, if
I did not believe those major issues of importance! I understand your confusion. I'd be willing to bet every human being on earth has felt a time of floundering, such as what you're experiencing. We all do. IT'S HARD BEING HUMAN! Prayers and blessing. I heard Joel Osteen preach on this very subject of questioning, not long ago. Joel says God understands when we
flounder between belief and unbelief. It's a natural process!

Thanks Jabber. I also feel God's understanding when I waffle...even His humour. I know He knows that it's the grief and loneliness at play. I think He even enjoys my questions, because it gives Him a chance to speak into the lifeless voids deep within me and bring revitalizing light and healing. I also know myself well enough now to believe that it's not only normal to question, but vital (for me) if I'm ever going to stretch and evolve beyond the limitations of what I know and believe now (which is clearly inadequate LOL)

Eagle,
I'm not sure our human minds can possibly comprehend God's ways.
He knows everything and we know very little, in comparison. But
He understands that, too. I read the Bible and observe life,
from my standpoint, and all I do is question. This and that are not lining up with Biblical promises, and I don't understand.
Why? Why, God, why? I pray and pray. But still He doesn't seem
to be fixing things. I watch an angelic loved one suffer and I don't understand. Why? U C, you're NOT alone there Eagle.
I question. I pray. And I don't get it! So I question some more!