I am sitting here crying with nowhere to post. I knew I could come back here--haven't been around in awhile---

We thought we would eventually lose my mother to Alzheimer's & have to put her in a nursing home. The very thought would kill me and fill me with guilt. I so dreaded having to do that.

ONLY THAT DAY WILL NEVER COME.

My mom went into the hospital with what we thought was pnenumonia---but it turned out to be something we never saw coming.

My mom had a cancer in her blood. All the signs and symptoms we thought were related to other problems she had in the past.
We thought they were acting up again. Mom's kidneys shut down-and they began dialysis. What we thought would be a life of dialysis 3x a week--which we would have dealt with---turned out to be something much more.

Her kidneys shut down due to multiple mylenoma. She was given 3-6 months to live. We were called to discuss a DNR---and that conversation ended up turning into something I never thought we would have to do.

Make a choice on whether to continue treatment for her kidneys and add chemo. Which would make mom even weaker than she already was.

Mom went into a WONDERFUL hospice on May 4th. 12 hours later on May 5th she was gone.

Everything since has been a blur. We had family here till the weekend. My brother went home Tuesday night. And the past 2 days I have been crying.

I miss my mother so much. I have spent the past 22 years taking care of her. The last 5 have been more one on one. I just feel so empty and alone. I wasn't ready to let her go so soon.

I know not having to see her slowly disappear from the Alzheimers will be some kind of a blessing---but right now I am 44 years old and I want my mommy.

Thanks for listening.