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#205310 - 07/01/10 07:53 AM
Re: Shocked!!!
[Re: Mountain Ash]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Well, at this point, I am this woman's scapegoat. I think she cannot acknowledge that she's not perfect or ever at fault. I do think that she could be an obsessive-compulsive perfectionist and therefore definitely afraid of being "found out" to be imperfect. I think when I dared to talk back to her way back in March, it infuriated her, not that I talked back, but that she had such a huge temper tantrum over such a small event. So now when she retells the story, I have become a larger-than-life villain in her retelling. She simply cannot even consider the possibility that she did anything wrong herself. It could well be herself that she cannot forgive (for being imperfect and found out), so she projects all of that disgust and rage at me.
She projects that perfectionism onto everyone else, seemingly incapable of accepting flaws in anyone; she's driving her daughter to the point of burn-out with her obsessive need for her daughter to be first in everything, school, piano, Chinese school...she made her daughter do Chinese homework when they were here Christmas Day.
sigh. I've apologized, but she refuses to forgive. I feel sorry for her. And anxious for my GD who would benefit much more from learning about forgiveness than scapegoating and the kind of mercilessness that leads one to a life of inner misery and perpetuating anger. Her mother is such an unhappy, angry woman. I worry that my GD will grow up the same way if she doesn't learn about forgiveness and mercy even within the family unit.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#205312 - 07/01/10 08:12 AM
Re: Shocked!!!
[Re: Eagle Heart]
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Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
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Eagle, there are just some people that you can’t talk to. It’s a no win situation. It sounds like this woman is her own worst enemy. Trust that your grandchild’s, genes from your side of the family, will allow her to see things with a more open mind. She will be influenced by peers and teachers along the way. Often they hold the stronger cards, especially if the mother is relentless and cold hearted. Trust these smart children. Really, the good usually wins over the bad. Someday, your grandchild will be at your doorstep. Believe me, that will happen.
_________________________
A friend is a gift you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
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#205313 - 07/01/10 08:14 AM
Re: Shocked!!!
[Re: Edelweiss2]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Oh, I hope so, Edelweiss, I hope with all my heart to see her at my door again some day.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#205510 - 07/06/10 03:07 PM
Re: Shocked!!!
[Re: Eagle Heart]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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What is the child's relationship to the father like?
I'm sorry to hear of this situation. Somehow your step daughter-in-law became toxic in her behaviour over time.
Is she an accomplished person in her own endeavours herself?
It would be nice at least that there would still be family gatherings.
Some distance for awhile is necessary. There's not much you can do re your hubby-his son relationship. Somehow I get this powerful feeling that even if son wanted to improve closer relationship, he is afraid of more disruption/misunderstanding from wife at this time.
Sounds complicated.
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#205512 - 07/06/10 03:24 PM
Re: Shocked!!!
[Re: orchid]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Good insight, Orchid, especially your last paragraph...hubby's son is definitely afraid of more disruption - everyone's afraid of this woman. And the reason he doesn't do anything or stand up to her is because she continuously threatens to take the children to China and never allow him to see them again. So he's clearly just letting her have her way for the time being.
We're fairly certain now that the mother is slowly but surely brainwashing the daughter (unsure of the son) against her father...our granddaughter is convinced that her father doesn't care about her, which could not be further from the truth. But we think (and we have further recent reason to be sure) that the mother constantly attacks the character and intentions of the father (hubby's son).
It is complicated, sad and beyond our reach for now. She did allow the son's mother (hubby's ex) to stay ONE night two weekends ago, but was barely accommodating - didn't want the son to set up a bed for her (was going to make her sleep on the floor) but it was the granddaughter (nine years old) who convinced her to let her grandmother at least sleep on an air mattress.
I suppose if there's a silver lining in this situation is that now that I'm the scapegoat (hubby's ex has been the scapegoat for many years), it opens the door for the ex (the blood grandmother) to finally visit her grandchildren (which has been denied her for many years). So I'm very happy about that.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#205721 - 07/12/10 09:41 PM
Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: chatty lady]
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Writer
Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
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Still NO answer or call from my son and my birthday has come and gone some 17 days ago since we spoke. Am I ticked off, YOU BETCHA!!!
I changed my phone number July 8th. just to see how long it takes him to realize it is disconnected and show his face around here. No one but mom has the new number and she is not sharing it with anyone.
That also helps me end calls from NEW people asking me to please, please edit their manuscript, good Lord they are coming out of the woodwork this summer???
I have never been as angry as I am right now and yet I am unusually calm and feel like, OH WELL!!! I guess sometimes it becomes enough and for someone like me, when I'm done, I'm done... I am always here to do for everyone else but am ignored when it's my time to get the attention, so why bother?
I believe 70 is a big birthday, many people don't live much past 70, but apparently it wasn't any more important to my selfish, spolied, inconsiderate brat than 40, 50, or 60 was...
Sorry for the rant but hey, it's how I am feeling...
Tomorrow I am meeting with a Realtor to see about listing this house, and Sassy and me will be going back to the Midwest where I was truly happy...
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#205722 - 07/12/10 11:48 PM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: chatty lady]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Sorry to hear this problem, chatty.
Did your son always acknowledge your birthday close to the actual day?
Make yourself as accessible as possible to your kids as soon as possible by giving them your new phone number. I would want that from my parents. No planned maneouvres. Just straightforward openness. Time is precious.
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#205723 - 07/13/10 02:41 AM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: orchid]
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Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
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Chatty, I can feel your disappointment and hurt. It’s tough, I found a link. The book is free to read. http://www.support4change.com/relationships/letgo/book-intro.html( On the right margin, with the blue background are the various chapters.) Know you aren’t alone in this situation. And also know that those parents who get snubbed and treated poorly from their adult children are more than you think. You don’t need to be an alcoholic or abusive parent for a child to go his/her own way. I have heard so many tragic stories of estranged parents, who have literally fled their home surroundings, in order to flee the pain and disappointments. I know; - I have sold their houses. Maybe moving close to your brother and mother is the answer. Whatever you decide, Chatty, choose the people who love you. Choose and form your own family. We are all God’s children anyway. We are all family.
Edited by Edelweiss2 (07/13/10 03:59 PM)
_________________________
A friend is a gift you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
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