I will try to keep this short..all those who know me..know this is a challenge for me

My former husband had a serious stroke this past August. He is recovering..but is not all there. He is the father of all our 5 kids. I have been there by his side..with my kids..supporting him thru his very very serious illness. Some connections are strong no matter what... My youngest son needs his tuition paid at his college in the US. We otherwise live in Sweden. His dad says that he needs help for this. I have stated from the beginning that I cannot help financially with our son´s college payments. His dad has takn care of them but now he wants help. I understand his problem..but I don´t have more money anyway. Our son will take a loan and help out in the future..but cannot do so right now. I want to stay out of the financial discussions..because..well, I just do. I cannot really help without ruining my own situation. I will be retiring in about 3 yrs. His dad has a big house that could probably bring in quite a bit of money..but he also has to move somewhere if he sells. I think his dad has resources..but he doesn´t really have controll over everything yet due to his very serious illness.

What should I do? Should I get involved? My x..his dad..is not doing anything actively. He is totally relying on the family..which is 2 adult kids here in Sweden and myself. He could call the college to tell them that we are working on a solution. He didn´t..I did. And they are very kind and waiting for us to solve everything. It is a college that is run by a church organization. And my x has been very active in the small group here in Sweden. So..there is a family feeling in it all,too. My feeling is that my x could be more involved..and I recognize this lack of behavior from our married days long before the stroke. But then..I have not had a stroke..yet.

He says that he does have the money right now to pay for what is due to the college..but he is waiting because he wants assurances from our son..and then, me, too. He says that he wants our son "to learn" that life is serious..I think he has already done that and is managing financially on his own otherwise. But both my son and I were living under the assumption that his dad would pay for this year,too. He had his stroke shortly before my son left for college..which means that he must have had the means at that time. As he actually does right now.

Should I get involved..or leave them to it? I need help to think.. I am currently living with my partner of about 8 yrs.

Don't support financially. You are 3 yrs. away from retirement. Your own survival is necessary and primary. Can't assume your partner will always have a steady job. House of cards can go down easily.

I'm lost ..does your son not work part-time? Frankly, I hear way too many stories of parents paying thousands many thousands of dollars for their children's college/university education. When I went to university, I knew alot of peers were earning their own money with only abit of financial help from parents. Have times changed that much???

There are other adult children...who work to pay for part/all of their education or they pay the thousands of debt after graduation. This is what happens in many college/university students here in Canada. Yes, it takes them several years to pay off the debt. This is reality.

Your x is sick but he could sell his house eventually..for a smaller place.

maybe your son needs to defer his college education for 1 year to work. He's still young.

If you and your son both believed that college was assured then this happening out of the blue must be a big worry..so I sense your concerns.
Yes plan for the future when funding must be sourced but assume that this year is ok..
maybe setting up a meeting then asking in front of a nuetral party..say a church member of status if your ex has an important role there..to state clearly this years intention and that the fees are due.The fact he is recovering means that this support could benefit your ex too.
Funding any degree is expensive..my daughter has three and my son two.They both worked during vacations.My own studies were paid for by myself.so I speak from life experience But the stress of study is sufficent without additional hassel.
I hope this is resolved soon

If he has the money, then there is no reason for you to release funds, especially since there does not seem to be a specific agreement that your funds were to be the contingent measure if and when he defaults. It also does not seem to be the case that he would suffer from release of funds to your son even under present medical circumstances, as funds have already been stated "earmarked" for your son's college fees.

If he insists on your contribution, for whatever conditions he is compelled to impose on you and your son, it might help to present your own set of conditions i.e. some form of collateral such as a shared equity on the house (provided it has a clean title, of course) in proportion to the sum you contribute plus interest. In that way, you would secure your retirement funds. You could perhaps consult a property lawyer over there in relation to tenancy in common or a counterpart of the sort.

It is your ex's responsibility, he agreed to it previously and says he has the funds available...sooooo, stay out of it and allow him to honor his commitment...

Humlun, this is like a stick thrown in the bicycle spoke. All plans seem to be put to a halt. So what do you do when that happens? You remove the stick. In this case, you remove your son’s financial dependence. Let your son work this out with his father. They will find a way, and if it means it may take your son longer to complete his schooling because he needs to work on the side.
I’m sure no one expects you to sacrifice your own financial security. Yes, I would keep out of it, and let them solve the problem. They will.

Hi. I don't think you owe anyone anything Humlan. You need to take care of yourself and protect your assets. Let your son and his Dad figure it out, and please, there is no need for you to pick up the slack. This one is not your responsibility as a mother. Really. Not everything is yours to hang on to. Let go. Up in the air, out to the universe. If there is ever a next time, I'm with Lola, get it in writing, like a pre-nup.
Orchid, here in the states there seems to be a trend toward children expecting parents to pay for their college. On the other hand, kids are graduating with 60,000 dollars in student debt, for example.

humlan, I'm all for letting the two guys work it out. It may strengthen their relationship regardless of their final decision. I'd try to let this one go. If your son comes to you for answers, send him to his dad, over and over again.

Thank you so much for all your answers here. Because of these and my own thoughts..I did visit my former husband and tell him quite calmly that I can´t be of help with my son´s tuition. He did not seem surprised..and took it in his stride. Again..he has had a serious stroke..so I don´t know where we will be next time we meet. But my son comes home on Friday..and they can perhaps work it out on their own..as you all write here. I think that you are right..all of you..and that I must let go. Here in Sweden, my son is considered an adult..and has been since he was 18. He will be 20 on Christmas Day As I write this I really do feel that I need to learn to "let go" and I am not good at that. I know that. I am a control freak in my own way..eventho I don´t think that my friends would classify me as such..normally. But I AM in my own way.

I had a terrible nite of angst and anxiety..which I take up in another thread I began today..and maybe this situation is part of it. Yes..it probably is. I think that I am falling thru my web of positiveness that I have weaved for myself..and finding some sort of reality that I need to interweave into my web,too.

Anyway..thank you so much for your help here

There seems to be more here than meets the eye when you say "I think I am falling thru my web of positiveness...." I hope at least you feel the situation is resolved.