Mustang, this is a rough patch for you. I remember going through so much regret and remorse after my Mom died. Like you, because of so much verbal abuse all of my life, I had put a wall around me, which prevented me from really knowing her as a friend and the wonderful woman she really was. It took me a long time to be able to put to rest those guilt feelings, but in the end, I just had to have a long talk with her (her spirit) and remind myself that we cannot go back and change or repaint history. All we can do is learn from those regrets and mistakes and take those lessons forward into our other relationships. That was how I was able to be Gary's caretaker...I had learned the hard way (by NOT being there for my Mom as I could/should have) how precious time and presence truly are to our loved ones.

Wherever your stepfather is now, he knows all sides of the story now, and I believe that he would only love you now, and want you to be kind and compassionate with yourself...and if there are any golden nuggets of wisdom to gain from looking back at your relationship with him, then take them and apply them to your other LIVING relationships wherever possible.