I'm not only upset about the loss of my step-father, but feel guilt for having not participated in his life or experienced some of the joy friends and family have shared with him. We were never close, due to past experiences of abuse, I've built a wall around my emotions. I'm so sorry for my behavior and for having made his life not as comfortable as I should have.

I feel the need to connect with what I've titled my 'crazy' family here in SC and GA. I want to sell my home and either buy a townhome or small farm. I feel that should I move into a townhome, then I'd have more time to travel and be with my family. Who knows what will happen.

I'm sad that my paternal family in OK did not even call nor send a card with regards to condolences. Not even my own biological father.

Edelweiss

Mustang, this is a rough patch for you. I remember going through so much regret and remorse after my Mom died. Like you, because of so much verbal abuse all of my life, I had put a wall around me, which prevented me from really knowing her as a friend and the wonderful woman she really was. It took me a long time to be able to put to rest those guilt feelings, but in the end, I just had to have a long talk with her (her spirit) and remind myself that we cannot go back and change or repaint history. All we can do is learn from those regrets and mistakes and take those lessons forward into our other relationships. That was how I was able to be Gary's caretaker...I had learned the hard way (by NOT being there for my Mom as I could/should have) how precious time and presence truly are to our loved ones.

Wherever your stepfather is now, he knows all sides of the story now, and I believe that he would only love you now, and want you to be kind and compassionate with yourself...and if there are any golden nuggets of wisdom to gain from looking back at your relationship with him, then take them and apply them to your other LIVING relationships wherever possible.

Eagle makes an excellent point about your step-father knowing all sides of the story. I totally believe that. So try not to worry about him understanding you, because he now sees the whole picture and is cool with it.

I hope you can try to focus on the good things that have been revealed he last week, month, or so. Maybe it would be good for you to journal a list...

Eagle, you are so wise!