I have written here many times about my addicted son. I know I can't change him, I've kind of given up on that. I know it's up to him, but, I really believe my son is a danger to himself and others.

He got out of jail in late August. He was in for almost one year and was in jail for robbing someone. I understand it is typical for drug addicts to do crime, that is how they survive. He was only out for one day before he started dealing and using drugs. Going to jail didn't make the least bit of difference.

I have stopped trying to save him, trying to change him etc. but I feel in my gut that he may never change. I know he has mental health issues. He had them before he started to abuse drugs. I had him at the doctors from age 8 and the school diagnosed him as severe ADD in grade 3. He has also been diagnosed with ODD, Oppositional Defiant disorder, bi-polar you name it.

Since he got out of jail he has been involved in crime to feed his habit. He tells me he is going to a treatment centre but he tells me that every week and never goes.
I do not give him money anymore. I don't allow him at the house as he is abusive and I don't want him around my other kids, they don't want him around either. It's very upsetting to see him in this terrible condition and, you never know what he is going to do. He will steal from us that is for sure.
Anyway I have been doing as little as possible but am stuck on this one.

Last night he came to my door with three sports bags full of video games, a couple of laptops etc. I told him he has no money and no job so he must have stolen this stuff. He actually wanted to put the stuff in my garage.
It is clear to me that he is not going to change anytime soon, must be either breaking into houses or stores, I have no idea which it is. He says he sells drugs and people give him stuff instead of money but it is clear at some point these things are stolen property. Of course I said not he cannot leave them at my house. Gave him the typical lecture about how he is going to overdose, or get picked up by the police etc. he left and told me I sound like a broken record which I do. I told him I did not bring him into this world so he could kill himself with poison (drugs) I continue to tell him he needs to get help. There is lots available and he goes through the motions but is not moving forward. He seems to be comfortable flopping at a druggy house and stealing to feed his habit, heroin.

I am thinking of calling the police on him or at least his probation officer and letting them know that he is stealing. I feel torn about it as I don't know where this stuff came from and it could have been given to him by someone else to hold. I don't have enough info but I do know that he didn't buy it.

I am quite upset with the justice system as they keep giving him less than one year. If he were to get a harsher sentence he would go to a penitentiary not a holding jail. Counselling, testing etc. is available at the penitentiary level but not at the jail for short sentences. My son has been in and out of jail since he was 16 for basically the same thing, break and enter's, shop-lifting, dealing in drugs etc. I feel that he needs to be given a much longer sentence as he is a chronic criminal. I'm wondering if I should write to the gov't, to the attorney general or something as I have a bad feeling something terrible is going to happen. He is not well mentally and should not be allowed to be out on his own.

Am I just not letting go, am I still trying to help him by my thinking like this, or should I step in and do something. I can't believe the police don't pick him up as he is well known to them. He keeps getting away with breaking the law. I feel that this is why he is not changing, not harsh enough consequences over the years.

Sometimes when your in a situation you can't see the forest for the trees. Do I have a point, should I try to get him taken off the street, or should I just leave him and his activities alone and focus on my life and my other kids? Either he will get picked up for stealing or he will finally go to the treatment centre. He has been to over 10 treatment centres so I don't hold out much hope that this is going to be the answer.

I am really getting tired of this situation, it is wearing me down. He doesn't seem tired of it at all.

So, do I leave it up to society to catch up with him, give him consequences which means jail..... again, or, do I step in and try to have him picked up. At least when he is in jail I don't have to worry about him. He is relatively safe and I know where he is. I just wish he would get a longer sentence so they will assess him and then they will see that he has other issues beyond drug addiction. It's not that I want him to go to jail. I just don't see any alternatives. I feel it is the best scenario for now so he can hopefully get assessed.
Kate

Kate, you may be saving his life by turning him in. While I know it must be hard, it seems like you think that's best for him, and I agree. He's probably safer there than on the streets.

I have a friend whose son did jail time and after he was there for a bit, it was a rather peaceful time for her because she knew where he was, and that he was basically being cared for.

You need to look out for your peace of mind too.

Good point Anne.

Kate, my heart goes out to you. That’s a hard question, and I stopped for a moment and really pondered about what I would do. I’ll be honest. I don’t think I could turn in my own son. But I wouldn’t allow him to store things at my home either. Anne is right. You would be considered an accomplice in crime.

I would make a clean cut, and concentrate on my other children. Your son has no right to pull you into his low down life, time and time again. It’s enough Kate. I wouldn’t talk to him on the phone, or allow him to visit you. Let go. He needs to go his own way, without dragging you emotionally and morally down.

Kate, I agree with EW. Also, would you be willing (if you have not already) to contact a helpline or agency to get help for yourself to cope with his addiction?

Whether or not a longer jail sentence would help him, since in the end, the action resides on him to make changes..but at least, he is safe.

And you cannot afford to have on record that suggests a crime, even as an accomplice. It may affect future employment prospects.

I feel sad for this situation, Kate, nevertheless.

Thank you everyone especially since my post was so long. I have no problem turning my son in and have done so many times.
I don't know if he took this stuff or if someone else did so that is why I was not sure if I should call. I think I will talk to his probation officer about what he is up to out in the community.

After I read my post again, or should I say vent, I came to realize a few things. I do not like the life my son is living. I want him to change. I can't stand the fact that I cannot fix him.
It is out of my control, this is why it bugs me so much, as I am a fixer. I have to look at myself and deal with the co-dependency thing. My son is making choices, he knows right from wrong. I worry that he will die as he is so damaged by the drugs. He is 6'1 and probably only 130 pounds if that so that part is scary. But, I feel for the people that he is stealing from, I can't control that either. Maybe I have a control issue here.

I tell myself whether I am happy or sad, functioning or not, he is who he is and nothing I can do can change that. My being sad, or upset does not change the outcome for him, but it does cause me to suffer. I need to work on me, letting go and realizing only he can change himself. He doesn't want to bad enough or he would. I just need to let him be and focus on my other children which is what I am trying to do. Writing what I did helped me to see that. And your comments helped to and are greatly appreciated.

Kate

No, Kathy, you don't have a control issue. You are a Mom, and it's only normal for a mother to react as you do.
You said you need to let him be and focus on your other children.

YES, that is the answer. Wishing you strength and a light of hope, especially for your own life.

While you have to focus on you and your other children, you are still his mother. That's why you continue to want to help him be the best he can be. If you think he'd be better off in jail, and that you would also be better off with him in jail, then I say turn him in. It sounds like a win/win.

I'm so sorry you have to live with this. It's heart wrenching.

Appreciate your frankness Kate to discuss the matter about your addicted son. Do you discuss it much with a close face-to-face friend or 2?