Over the past few days, I've come to realize just how much my life is impacted by profound fear. It's been this way since my brother died two years ago. Despite months of intense refocusing on the positive, gratitude attitude and celebrating what is instead of what isn't anymore, I'm constantly coming face to face with this horrible, crippling fear. Of what? I don't know for sure. I think it's a jumble, a spider's web of fear...somedays I'm scared of everything. Other days, I'm okay. I definitely have a serious phone-phobia...cannot use the phone without panic attacks.

It's coming to the forefront now because I'm trying to arrange a trip to Nova Scotia to see my best friend in October. It will be my first time away from hubby since Gary died, and I can barely stand the feelings of fear and panic. But I really have to do this, and I want to do it, I have to conquer this fear in this particular circumstance.

I can focus on the positive and I constantly work to keep my life/mind busy so as not to think about things that scare me. But sometimes, it takes my breath away, it's so intense.

I don't know how to conquer this. I went to a psychiatrist and he just said it was still grief at play and would work itself out. I'm not sure.

The screen, as I write this, is jumping so much I'm getting seasick, so I have to stop now.

I wish I had some answers for you eagle but alas since I have gotten older I too fear things like never before. Becoming helpless, being totally alone, being unable to work, I am not afraid to die but am afraid of the way I will die.

Interesting topic. I can't speak for anyone else, but I find it harder to rid my mind of "what if" fears. I can be busy working or whatever and there's a black thought raising its ugly head. What's up with that? Is it because we have lived so long and seen how bad things can happen for no apparent reason? Is it because we realize our own mortality? I don't know, but it's sometimes harder to hold on to those positive thoughts.

I think that's definitely a factor, at least for me. I know that everytime dear hubby goes out the door I can't always swallow down the fear that I won't see him again...horrible thought, but that's definitely a constant fear, losing someone I love. I'm not nearly as afraid of dying as I am of loved ones dying.

Hi Eagle, I'm sorry to hear about your fear. It sounds as if the psychiatrist left you hanging? No meditations? No medications? No words of wisdom? What if you took each step of your upcoming trip, and imagined each step going just the way you want it too. It's good that you want to try something independent of Gary.

Eagle, glad to hear you are working at this with your psychiatrist. Baby steps is probably the way out. Is there a way for you to conquer a teeny fear each day?

I'll pray for your trip in October. I so want you to go.

While on the topic of fears - my biggest fear is that something will happen to Ross or one of the kids, but I try to reason with myself by saying...when was the last time something actually happened? That helps me put things in perspective. I also try to realize that when things have happened, I've gotten through them.

Ross is a diabetic. I fear him going into a low blood sugar coma when I'm not around. It's no fun to think about because he's certainly had his share of low blood sugar bouts when I am around, and I've been able to get sugar in him or have called 911. Fortunately, we are only blocks from a fire house. It's also happened while vacationing and we were blessed to have a fire house nearby. That's why traveling to pretty deserted islands scares me.

Actually, I'm not seeing any psychiatrist right now. I went to this one for assessment for an anxiety support group, met with him twice for 45 minutes each visit. Both times he sat behind his computer at his desk, no eye contact and such a thick French accent I could barely understand him. My family doctor showed me the report the psychiatrist sent her because so much of the information was so mixed up that it didn't make any sense. So my GP and I decided I could do better elsewhere, but we haven't found any "elsewhere" yet, so I decided to just continue fixing myself on my own. It will take longer, but I'm sure it will be better in the long run!

I finally called and booked that trip to Nova Scotia in October. Now that it's done, I'm glad I did it. I even managed to call my girl friend to tell her...like you said, baby steps.

Sorry to hear about the psychiatrist. Good lord. you're right. You may very well do better on your own.

Glad to hear you booked your trip, and used the phone to call your friend. That's two big steps. How are you traveling and how long will it take you to get there?

I carry a devotional book with me in my purse. No matter where I am, if I get in a funk and need to change a worry or fearful thought, I can take out my book and change my frame of mind. Do you think that might help you?

Eagle...even though mom died 34 years ago, my issues are, and continue to be those of insecurity. I wonder if your fear is more of an insecure thing? (just speculating)

I have a lowered self-esteem (not all the time, but sometimes) etc.

Just a thought!

that is a GREAT idea, Dotsie. I could use that myself. Thank you!