I think that grief is very much a roller-coaster ride, especially for the first few years. I can have really good days, even weeks, and then like JJ says, wham, something triggers that agony-of-absence and it hits me right in the gut and reduces me to a puddle of tears. Dad's been gone for 10 years now, and it can hit me harder now than ever, if I really think about it. Gary is still too fresh, everything still reminds me of his laughter - and his absence. I miss him terribly some days (my birthday being a huge trigger, because he used to give me LOTS of gifts - we always tried to outdo each other...mostly gag gifts, but still, it was so much fun. I think the record is me giving him 40 and him giving me 50 when I turned 50).

As the years pass and I evolve, I actually sort of cherish the pain...well, the pain is there whether I want it or not, so I might as well try and find the golden nugget buried inside of that pain! In a way, that pain reminds me of how much I loved that person and how much that person loved me - both very enriching to a soul who didn't know a whole lot about authentic love up until very recently. The pain is excruciating, and it's hard to breathe through it sometimes, but the love is exhilarating, enough to lift me above the pain just long enough that the shards don't pierce me beyond my ability to bounce back.