Daisygirl here.

Chatty, I think you're right - BF wants to have it both ways and that has to stop if we would continue to see each other.

Kate, I'm not concerned with the amount of time they spend together and I don't mind being with both of them. I'm not possessive and totally satisfied with the time I spend with BF. (BF would like me to spend more time there) What I have a problem with is that the dad is treating the son as if he was 14 years old. When he screws up nothing is done about it. I'll give you one example: a bottle of my wine came up missing. The dad went out and replaced it. If it was my son, I would've called him on his cell and said you shouldn't have drank Lora's wine, stop on the way home (he works at a carryout where they have wine) and get a bottle to replace it (with his money). When I'm visiting there, it does affect me.

The big picture is what is important. I don't want to spend my life with an adult child living at home indefinitely with the son having no desire to be independent and the dad not making him accountable for his actions and feeling sorry for him.

Which is another topic. I do feel sorry for him. His mother cheated and moved 2000 miles away. But it was the child's choice to go live with her, he was 16 or 17. And allowing a kid to know you feel so sorry they can get away with anything is not good.