I wish humans could keep that feeling you get when love is new.
You can't wait to be with the one you love. It doesn't matter
what you do, as long as you do it with them. Riding in a car is
an event. Walking is an event. Eating is an event. You're walking
on cloud nine. Life is wonderful, all the time. But everything new grows old. And that's sad.

I still have the feelings that Jabber describes when doing ANYTHING with my husband and we have been married for some time. Also, I've known him since we were kids...

There ARE marriages that have passion long after the blush wears off because the blush never wears off! It can be done, we just don't get talked about as much because we do love each other as we did in the beginning. We have love, passion and newness in our marriage every single day.

It IS an event walking with my husband, talking with him and doing anything with him.

Passion, we must have it. If there is anything that keeps us alive it is passion for something.

Can't wait to hear what you have to say, Expat...


Dancer

Hi Everyone!

There is so much to respond to, so I'll try my best to cover everything.

Dancer, I am so happy that you have retained that passion throughout your lengthy marriage. It must be wonderful to have that feeling each and every day. So, are you going to share your secret with the rest of us? Joking aside, I've come to my own conclusion about this and tell me if this pertains to you (or anyone else who still has the spark) Also tell me if some of you disagree with me. I think the basis of a long happy marriage is that you both start off as friends. Friends do exactly what you described. Doing everything together. Walking, talking, laughing, crying etc. Then one day, the friendship "explodes" into romance. LOVE IS FRIENDSHIP IGNITED, so to speak.

Will have to stop this here, as my privacy is about to be intruded upon.

Duh! Sorry, Dancer, I just reread your message and you did say you've known your husband since you were kids. So maybe my theory is correct. Being of Italian descent myself, I've never heard of those teachings. Good ones, though!

Dotsie - No, she didn't mean physically go away, just to think about things before my next appointment. And yes, I DO get excited thinking about being on my own. I feel the freedom already. You mention starting a journal and although it is a good idea, I'm not sure I would have the time to keep it up. It did bring back memories, though, as I used to keep a diary when I was younger.

As for being afraid. My fear is this... When I finally make my decision,I am afraid to confront him. Mainly because he starts his mind games again. He's done on a few occasions. He conveniently and selectively "forgets" certain things he's done/said, which obviously makes it look as though I made it all up! That gets me very angry, but it also seems to work, because I then start questioning myself. What kind of man would do that to his wife, except one who is desperate to put the blame on her and/or to keep her under his control? This is what I am up against.

Edelweiss - You are right. You go through the motions because it's expected of you. "Dead and Alive" is exactly how it is for me. When I'm with hubby, I feel dead because there is no emotion, or laughter, etc. When I am on my own, with friends or with my children, I feel alive.

As for divorce seminars, Mustang Gal/Di, I've never heard of them, but will endeavor to search them out.

Time for me to say good bye. Look forward to your opinions about my "friendship" theory. Oh, maybe I should say, hubby and I had an unconventional meeting. It was a shipboard romance.

You could be right about your friendship theory. Ross and I knew one another before dating. He was my brother's friend so we knew a lot about one another before dating, became best friends and got married. We've remained best friends for 28 years of marriage. Woohoo.

Your posts may be making your situation clearer for you. The fact that the only thing that scares you is telling him, makes me realize that it's soemthing you can get behindyo as soon as you spill your guts. If you were afraid of living alone or making it on your own, that's a different story. Also, the fact that you are a happy girl when he isn't around is also very telling.

Hang in there. One day at a time. I'm sure your path will be made clearer with each passing day.

Expat,
I think a couple needs to be friends, for a rich, lasting marriage. And I agree, marriage needs a degree of passion. But some couples get used to each other; they take their spouse for granted. And there are guys who refuse to take the blame for anything, even when they know they're at fault. That must be a guy thing. I, personally, am happy 'n content; though I gripe about gender personality differences. All that comes under the category of being human. Two people spending day-in, day-out in one house, are bound to get on the each others nerves, now and again.
But IMO couples can and do have long marriages, without the red hot passion dancer describes. Two people can co-exist with a compatible, content love affair and live happy, healthy lives.
IMO

Oh, and I agree with you Jabber. It doesn't have to be passion all the time, you do have to be friends. If you have that closeness and really enjoy each other's company, whether it be "vegging out" in front of the TV or doing something together, that definitely makes for a happy marriage. If I had at least that much, I certainly would be content. Oh yes, we all have our gripes, minor disagreements don't jeopardize marriages. But, I'm afraid I don't have that closeness/friendship. Years of his controlling ways have made me lose all the feeling I had for him. I do try and forget the past, but I can't shake it from my mind. He was totally unfair in doing what he did. He didn't treat me like his wife and the reason for that stems from his upbringing. His father treated his mother the same way, so he chose to continue the pattern, instead of breaking it.

But wait, listen to this! I'm reading a book at the moment and I just read a paragraph on this exact topic. I'll quote a few sentences..."I never thought you could have a best friend and a lover all rolled into one". "The best friend bit is the most important, because that's what lasts for always". That says it all, doesn't it?

Have a good night.

Wow Dotsie, yet another confirmation of my theory!

As for me, I am also continually second guessing myself, as I stated. If I look at it from another perspective, was everything he did to me, petty? Sure, I was able to carry on as normal. I realize that is what Jabber is meaning, no marriage is perfect. But my knowledge and teachings of a marriage, was definitely NOT what I experienced.

My parents had a good marriage. Yes, they fought, but they loved each other dearly. My mother died years ago and although my father is remarried, my siblings and I can still see that he misses her. I guess I base my own marriage on theirs, even though I know everyone's is different. Sometimes I do wonder if I have high expectations. But,I don't think so. Love and respect is all I ever wanted from him, but never received.

And why shouldn't you or all of us have high expectations, what are we chopped liver??? Maybe perfect is rarely attainable but near to it is, so keep up your ideals Expat and go for it.

Thanks Chatty.

A few ladies at work were generally discussing marriage yesterday, and they agree with you, too. Women do have certain "expectations" by which they choose a partner. If they don't have certain characteristics they admire in a man, then they move on to seek out someone else. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It's life the way we know it, really. I think so anyway.

BTW, I've been having internet trouble lately, hence the delays. Have a good day everyone.