Gims, I too, offer my late, but sincere condolences.

I imagine those who love us most, truly love us, will always forgive us with a wave of the hand, as Edelweiss says. It's ourselves that we must learn to forgive.

I think, Chatty, that what you are saying is very sane. I like Eagle said her conversations are deeper than ever. I believe that when we talk in person, many of us talk between the lines. Maybe only after one person is gone, can we talk to each other completely directly.

Gims, I suffered from a terrible guilt after my Mom died. Oh, all it would take was a glance at her picture on the wall and I would feel this terrible wave of anguish and guilt wash through me. It was crippling and constant. I knew I couldn't go on feeling that way, but didn't know how to fix myself.

One day, sitting in the bathroom, I just started sobbing and decided to talk with my Mom. I blurted out all of my guilt and shame over being such a terrible daughter, for not being there for her when she went through her cancer (I was living and working on the other side of the country at the time)...it all came spilling out. Then I said, "Mom, there's nothing I can do, I can't rewrite history, I can't go back and make other choices, it's all said and done. What can I do?" The answer was so clear and sweet, "Sweetie, you don't need my forgiveness, you've always had it. I have loved you and I will always love you, more than you can ever imagine. Now you have to find a way to forgive yourself. You're the only one left who still doesn't forgive and love YOU."

Those were such freeing words. I felt her love, I felt her genuine care, and felt the mercy of God Himself washing through me through her words. It took me awhile, and there are still moments when I cringe at memories of how I let her down, but I know without a doubt now that she loves and has long ago forgiven me. And don't forget, Gims, that where they are now, they know everything, including the "why" and the wounds behind our actions and choices. They also know, I believe, that everything DOES work out for good, and that there is always a golden nugget of learning and wisdom in every choice, every so-called mistake, every step we take. It's all leading us somewhere better and good. That's my hope anyway. It's helped me move out of my own hell and into living life much more abundantly than before.

Lola, months after or not, I still appreciate your kind words.

Thanks, EW and Eagle... if I felt comfortable enough to tell the dirty, I think you'd understand. I don't feel guilty for anything I've done. Instead, I feel sad and sorry for the way things ended. But, I do so love that you took the time to send words that encourage.

Anno, thanks to you, too? So, how are YOU doing?

gims, after Mom died, I felt guilty for the way I raised my voice at her one day when it was my turn to sit with her. She was very sick at the time and had an attitude which she took out on me because she could always be herself around me. I was in a mood and told her I didn't appreicate her taking it out on me. I also said that I knew she wouldn't talk to one of my sibs like she was talking to me, blah, blah, blah. (Looking back, that's what made our relatinship special.) Anyway, we shared many loving conversations after that, but I felt funny because I never raised my voice at Mom as an adult - though I certainly did as a teen. It haunted me.

After her death, I would visit the cemetery and journal. One day I journaled about that day and asked for her forgiveness, and she in turn asked for mine. I came to a place of peace knowing that we were both totally stressed at the time; Mom was dying, everyone was bending over backwards to do all we could, we were tired, spread too thin, and unsure of her future.

Hoping my story will shed some peace for your soul..

It poked me, Dots. I just have to buck up and start visiting my mom, again. She's at home now... staying with the sister and brother who lived in my parents' home while Daddy was living out his last days. The reason I stopped visiting her (when she was still in the nursing facility) was because of her taking out on me something I didn't cause or deserve getting the lashing for. But, considering she might have been more comfortable lashing out at me, instead of one of the others, makes me consider it differently.

When I don't want to deal with something immediately, I throw it in this big box I keep available. I was sorting the stuff in the box out this past weekend - I haven't culled it for over a year - and came across a note my mom wrote me years ago, attached to an article she had clipped. It was one of the only notes I ever received from her saying something nice to me... usually her notes and letters were scriptures and PTLs, very little on a mom to daughter or personal level. For someone who has felt so unloved for a lifetime, I was taken by surprise... I guess because the note included a compliment, a rare thing from her to me.
I've got to buck up and go give her a hug.

I got a call last night from the care givre/secretary of the 93 year old woman from Alaska who's life story I ghostwrote recently. After the book was finished, all we needed to do was enter the pictures and put captions on them, Ruth the old womansaid, she decided not to publish the book because it told too much of her life. Rather than argue I walked away feeling I had done and was paid for my part. That was in December. The book was put aside...

The old womans grandson came up to Nevada, (her winter home)he is CEO of all her companies. He sat and read the book. He got up and handed it to her secretary and said, call Charleen, I want this book sent to a publisher. It is amazingly accurate and grandma's story should be told. So now I have to draw up a new contract, finish the job of the pictures, which I am NOT looking forward to and then get it to a publisher. No one is even telling her anything as she has been behaving in an eratic fashion of late, and not in a ice way either. I think Dementa is setting in big time. I am hoping she will be able to see the finished product and understand its meaning to the people who know her.

gims & Dots,
I have guilt over not being as good of a daughter as I think
I should've been to my adoptive parents. And I wasted most of
my life feeling unloved because I was abandoned by my bio mom.
But even after reuniting with bio mom, it didn't help. Except
I saw more clearly how wonderful my adoptive folks and had been
my entire life. And I never really got to show my gratitude.
I also believe there are lots of kids who feel guilty about what they
should or should've done for or to or with their mom and dad
when their parents were alive. Human nature is a weird thing.
And the most important issues of life, seem backwards.

Chats, I wish you good luck with finishing the pictures, etc.
on that elderly lady's book you've ghost written.

Do you have to put captions under the pictures, Chatty?

This would call for big party time if the book gets published.

Edelweiss, I had separated each bunch of pictures according to chapters and hand written the captions which were attached on a small post it note to each picture. Its is just a matter now of inserting the picture, adding the caption beneath each one, and then adding the 'Picture Gallery's' behind each chapter.
Then it all has to be put onto a disk with the book chapters.
It's not hard, I did the hard part, it is just tedious.

I already have several publishers wanting to see more of the book so, fingers crossed, it will be published and out soon after I finish the job.

How true, jabber. Sorry you had to live through what you did. All the books tell us it makes us stronger, builds character. Stronger than and for what?, I ask.