I am so upset and know the advice here is so wonderful so thought I'd post.
I have written before about my drug addicted son. He is currently in jail so thankfully he is safe and off the streets for now.

The problem is my younger two. They have been affected in a huge way with their brothers lifestyle. Now my 15 year old son is going though a huge anger stage and has been for the past two years. Lately it has been getting worse.

He lost his 13 year old friend two years ago, then his grandpa last year and feels the loss of his brother that he never got to know growing up due to his lifestyle. He is also angry that his dad doesn't pay much attention to him as he has another son. His dad has been trying to reach out recently as I have asked him too. He ignored our eldest sons need for attention and look what happened there.

Lately he has been really angry lashing out at every little thing. He has been bullying his sister, kicking her off the computer, pushing her, going in her room without asking etc.
He is mean to her and she thinks he hates her. I think he hates himself.

Over Christmas my daughter went skiing and stayed at a friends ski lodge for a week. She came back on cloud nine. She had some fun and I think this made her living situation even worse.

She has seen her friend every single day since getting back. Her friend sleeps over here and her home life is not good. Parents divorced and her Mom has a new live in boyfriend who she hates.

My problem is this. My daughter gave me a note today. Sometimes we write each other notes when we want to be heard, get something off our chest etc. She says she wants to move with her friend to her Dad's basement. He agreed to fix it up for them. I left him when my youngest two were in diapers as he was an alcoholic and an adulterer. Over the years and many women he finally settled down and has been with the same woman for 7 years. They had another child who is six. Their household has it's problems but he has changed somewhat.

Although he has changed somewhat he does not have very good parenting skills and would let my daughter have much more freedom than I would, much more. No rules basically.

I am feeling like I always get left with the problem kids. The Dad wants the easy ones as he can't handle the boys. He wants my daughter to move in. Why doesn't he have our son move in as he is the one having problems and needs his attention more. When I shared with him that I'm having problems with our son, he said tell him to move out. That's his answer.

My daughter says her room here is too small and messy. You can't even get into her room as there are clothes and junk everywhere. Well that is her fault. I can understand her being upset with her brother but this has caught me off guard. She is 16, 17 in a month.

She says it's not because of me and that I am the best Mom in the world. Says she will visit every day etc. which of course she won't. I was hurt at first but understand her need for freedom, I wanted to be on my own at her age too but that is so unrealistic. Her Dad I feel just wants to be the good guy and is not using his head.

I am at a loss as to what to do with my son. I have no support from his Dad and now my daughter wants out. I'm so upset.

I think it would be a mistake but understand how she feels as I want to run away too some days. My son makes living so hard.

I think I should get a family counsellor involved with all of us, her Dad, my son and daughter and see what they can come up with as I am too close to the situation.

Any ideas would sure be helpful. I'm in panic mode.
thanks,
kate

It's a new day. I spent last night and this morning crying. My daughter is too young to move out. I just don't understand it as we have such a good relationship. I know that she is not doing this to spite me but it still hurts.

I talked to my son last night and he wants to live with his Dad too. He didn't want to tell me as he doesn't want me to live alone. He feels loyalty to me.

I told him it would hurt but if he feels living with his Dad is the only way he can get his attention then he should try it. I think he craves male attention. He may find out that he doesn't get anymore attention but at least he will try.

So, looks like both of them will move in with the dad, his girlfriend and 10 year old daughter, a six year old, my daughter and her friend in the basement apartment and my son in the attic. His Dad says he will fix it up. They only have one bathroom, one kitchen. Personally I don't want it to work out. Childish I know. I feel betrayed, childish I know. I just feel so sad. I have always been here for them and now they are leaving me for their Dad who has never done much for them and is constantly moving away for jobs etc. He never takes into consideration that the kids will miss him. He has moved away six times (8 hours away) in the past four years. He comes back but doesn't worry if the kids are upset when he leaves. He is always in and out of jobs and his relationship with the girlfriend is not good. They fight alot. My daughter told me before (she babysits) that it's a crazy house.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and am still grieving the loss of my Dad and now this. I just want to run away, again, childish.

I began responding to this earlier and had to go pick up my daughter. You've since posted again. Sorry about that.

I certainly understand your not wanting it to work out. You love your children and want them with you, but it sounds like you don't have much say in this.

While I know it's miserably sad, maybe you're being given a time to explore your midlife and consider what the future holds for YOU!. How about joining a group of interest, maybe taking a class, or doing something for yourself.? You've been a care giver for many years. There's certainly more within you than those qualities.

If there's a way for you to do it, (and I'm not sure I could) how about giving them your blessing. I have a feeling they may be back, but perhpas this is a break you could use? I know it's not what you want, but if you put a diferent spin on it and see it as a positive for you, it just might be.

When my nephew was 16, he decided he wanted to live with his dad. My sister was hurt beyond words. And then something wonderful happened. She began to find her own life once again. She began to date, make friends and got married last year.

Her relationship with her son has not only lived on, but has become closer. My nephew has turned out to be a wonderful young man with a clear balance of affection for both his parents. He is one of my favorite people here on earth.

I just wanted to share a success story with you, Katebcca. Maybe it will give you a bit of comfort.

Thanks and I appreciate the response. I am looking at it as a loss which is probably not the best.

In the meantime my friend called me. She lives in a big house and her husband is going into care. He is 18 years older. She can't afford the mortgage by herself and his pension will go to the care facility. She suggested I give the kids a month at their Dads. If they want to stay I could move in with her for a year but the kids would have to understand that. She is never home as she works as a live in caregiver with only one day at the house.

I'd have to put my stuff into storage but the rent would be half of what I pay now. I could get out of debt and will have the time to work on myself. So there is a positive. It will be hard but I know the kids want to try living at their Dads. If they stay after a month they will have to stay for a full year, there will be no turning back. I will make that clear.

At this point I am raw, totally confused and in shock. But change is happening faster than I can keep up with it.

I understand where you are coming from Dotsie and Anno, I just feel really hurt but know that it is not about me.

My kids will always be my kids. The other thing is when my son gets out of jail he won't be able to come home. I am not going to tell him where I'm living either.
Kate

you seem to know whats required and have the right type of attitude to it all, as for you feelings I certinlie understand them.

isen't it a sighn of maturitie that we let the other (whomever) go do what they think is best and may be best for them EVEN WHEN IT HURTS. I certinlie woul't critisise you for your feelings, why would you feel any diffrent. However your doing all the right stuff and that talkes volumes about you kate.

Id be resentfull that as much as theirs trouble with your kids it sounds like dad may be comming into their life when all or a lot of the hard work was done, he kinda gets the benifit of the kids but missed all the hard stuff with your son, the addiction and the other kids. You brought them up and now he gets to share them. It dose't seem faire but we both know that the kids be better knowing their dad and perhaps living with him to develop their relashionship. The kids may just want it becouse its shinie and new, who knows.

the opertunitie is their for you to get out of debt, and maybee more, enjoy taking it and rember your raw feelings of today will calm and be southed with time, programe and some positive attitude.

don't beet yourself up for your feelings. I feel proud of you that you got the guts to say hay this is how i am feeling but theis is what i am doing. You don't find that too much in people.

It seems like you got the answeres to your owen delema and perhapps just want some tenderness from the bommer forums, and why not i am sure you get some!

Well as I suspected, my ex doesn't really want our son to move in.
My daughter will be useful, free babysitting, but my son will cost him more money in food. He had a talk with my son yesterday and told him he should think about it, there isn't much room etc. Meanwhile there is room for my daughter's friend. She and her freind have asked to turn the basement into an apartment.

My son said to his Dad "I really want my Dad and he said he was almost crying. He said his Dad just brushed him off. So he is staying. He told me last night that he wants to know his Dad but that he wants to stay with me.
I told him it is totally up to him, that I will be upset and cry whatever age it is that he leaves, and not to worry about me.

He got into all his frustration with school and that is the route of his anger, frustration. He has severe ADD like my drug addicted son. He has reluctantly agreed to go see a specialist.

Poor guy, both my son's have suffered a great deal as their Dad just doesn't get it. I know he loves them in his own way but he is very selfish and he hurts them over and over again.

So, my daughter starting all of this has brought some positive results.

She is going to let me know her plans today and wants to go for coffee.

I will try to make it about her not me.

Kate

thanks for update kate.

kate, I love the fact that she wants to go get coffee with you. She really loves you and wants to keep communication open. Good for her.

Maybe all of this happened with your son so he would move in the direction of getting some help. In situations like this, we always have to look for the positive.

Sounds like a real rollercoaster, Kate. I know this can't be easy for you, but try to stay positive. Perhaps, as Dotsie and Celtic have said, this may be a positive step for you - you just don't know it yet. Believe me, I've had some black times in my life when I thought I would never emerge into the sunlight again. But those times ended, and I am now in a good place in my life. I sometimes wonder if we aren't supposed to have those really dark times so we can appreciate the light.

Hang in there, Kate, and we're here for you whatever you need.

Sending cyberhugs!