Dad's not great. She says he is selfish and yells at her all the time. Her room was in a dirty cold basement. But for her freedom it would be worth it to her. She prefers to be with me but on her terms. She wants is all her way, teens are very self- centered.

I just feel like I am being a push over. I have been a push over in many relationships. I'm way too nice.

My ex is now trying to get me to reduce the arrears he owes as he is going through so much stress with the gov't threatening to put him in jail for non payment of child support. He wants me to forgive $5,000 of the $10,000 he owes me so the bad gov't will get off his case. I'm actually considering it as at least he will pay me half which may never happen again. He has a job for 4 months and will be able to catch up on arrears if I forgive half of it. I wonder there too if I am being a push over.

Maybe I should ask the credit card companies that I owe if they will forgive half of it. I had to use cards to pay for clothes, shoes, even groceries for the kids as I was short every month due to him not paying me. Still I could put the money towards the debt and at least pay some of it off.

A dilemma for sure.

Kate

Kate, you most definitely can bargain with the credit card companies. You have to make your own decisions about whether to forgive his debt (let the state go after him, they'll attach it to his social security!)

Give your daughter an ultimatum (To thine own self be true, Kate)
I want to raise you the the way I believe is best for you. If you will not abide by my rules, go back to your father.

Good luck. You are between a rock and a hard place.
Your daughter is so sweet; talk to her?
Talk to the parents of the friends who are out doing things after midnight?

Thanks Madelaine,
I have similar thinking. Her Dad is away for four months trying to make some money to pay me off, so telling her to move there will have to wait.

As for the other parents they are not easy to talk to as we don't know each other. Some are ok with it and don't seem to care, others are told lies by their kids. The old, "I'm at a friends place when they are really at a party"

She is sweet but you have to dig stuff out of her. She is a very closed book. She will talk briefly but will then say, I don't want to talk about it anymore. She does not like confrontation which is how she sees it. I am just trying to come up with some compromises. She can be very frustrating.

I am trying to see the positives as it is always easier to focus on the problem areas. To my knowledge she does not use drugs, she goes to school, she wants to graduate, is in the choir and is respectful for the most part other than going against my rules. It could be a lot worse. But this has to be dealt with and
when her Dad gets back if it is not resolved, she may have to go back with him.

Kate

As for the credit cards, I know you can work something out if you are going to close down the account and pay it all out. I pay every month and am not in any trouble. They keep sending me letters to increase my amount. I just want to pay down the amount to zero, not close the account. I don't think they would be interested in doing this as long as I still want to keep an active account.

I have to have a credit card for my job, travelling expenses etc. Without a credit card you can't do much these days. My company pays me but I have to put it on the card first, then invoice them.

So, I can pay off some of the debt if I go with the ex's deal, but I loose basically, in money that is.

Kate

Kate, you are between a rock and a hard place which often happens to divorced couples when one parent is softer than the other. I've seen this happen in our town. Children bounce back and forth between Mom and Dad's and it's tough.

If you can focus on the postitives and know in your heart that she's a good kid, then can you rest with her in your home? The only problem, and I tell my kids this too, is that they're all good kids with smart heads on their shoulders, but with a few beers in them, it all goes out the window. It's not them I don't trust, but the alcohol and the rest of the world.

I wish there was a worry switch parents could turn off when going to bed at night while the kids are still out and about.

Sorry I'm not much help.