chatty, thanks for the reminder. I have PLENTY that have never been read. I'll box and take to the local hospice around the corner.

Cathi, will Mom be alone in the house?

Anne, not offended at all. You know, Mom had lingered for so very long and breathing was a tremendous effort once taken off oxygen. Almost a week before, we stood around her bed as a family, with the priest and prayed the Lord's Prayer thinking it was her last day. Day after day, we loved her and hugged her and affirmed her life over and over again.

This may seem odd, but the rattle of death (the terrible breathing sounds) went on for days and we felt so sorry for her suffering as she did.

It was time so we listened to the nurse. It does seem like an odd request from a hospice person, but all of us had done everything we needed to do, and to be honest, when she passed and the room was silent, we were so grateful she was with her God. Finally peace for Mom.

Cathi,
I was away in Cuba during this time. I only just read about your Dad this morning. I'm so sorry. I've been carrying him in my heart for so long I feel like he was a vital part of my family too. My heart aches for you during this time. You know that I know how difficult this is, especially as time moves forward but the hole in our heart just gets bigger and more difficult to tiptoe around.

As sad and difficult as the grief is, I'm finally experiencing the paradox of joy too. I experience my brother's sweet presence often enough to know he's really not all that far away. And that I'll see him and my parents again.

Just know that I continue to carry you in heart and prayer. We've been on this journey together for so long, haven't we. Today would have been my brother's 45th birthday. It's still a day to celebrate, because I was so lucky and blessed to have him in my life for 43 years. So we're planning to raise a toast to his life today. I'll raise another to your Dad, who has had a wee corner of my heart for so long that he's as much a part of me as my own Dad.

Peace, my friend.

that a lovelie sentiment eagle, whishing all the best still cathie.

how are you now?

eagle, glad to hear you're toasting your brother today. I'm sure he and your parents are right there joining in from their little corner of heaven.

Hi Eagle,

Thanks for the toast. I am really touched with your sentiments. It's going to be a month tomorrow and I still feel this void in my heart.

In truth, I thought it would get easier, but I've been depressed the last week. There are days I want him back so badly, just to hear his voice one more time. The guilt has set in too. I feel guilty if I move on, kind of like a disrespect for his memory. I don't know, I can't explain it and I know it's not rational.

Dotsie, my mom is staying at the house. That's what she wants, but for the past week she has been spending the night at a neighbor's house. She has many friends and I will try to see her as much as I can. My brother as well.

Please pray for both my mom and Johnny (my brother). This has been really tough on him. He is trying to take care of my mom's assets and get her set up and taken care of. It must be hard on him to go over all the paperwork. I know I could barely make it when I made a shadow box with dad's picture for my mom. I went and took his military rank and medals he earned and put a memorial piece together for my mom before I left.

Eagle, I feel we went through this together. Both Gary and dad were diagnosed about the same time with their cancers. I remember when Gary passed, I felt this void as if he was my brother too. I'll never forget that feeling.

We are truly sisters here, I know that for sure now!

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

Celtic, you are so sweet. I don't think I've told you lately how much I appreciate your friendship and am so glad I know you.

I hope to see you one day... Dotsie, can I come with you to New York when Celtic eventually comes here?

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

Oh, I can relate. Totally. There are still days when I catch myself thinking that he's just working too hard and that's why he hasn't been able to drop by...then it hits me. Argh! It does hurt, probably more than at first, because the absence has been longer and we've never gone this long without seeing each other.

Guilt is a natural part of grief, and it's okay. It will eventually melt into a recognition that living our lives joyfully (carpe diem, seizing the moment) is the best way to honour their lives and memories. That's why we've been traveling so much...we've been using the money that we got from Gary's estate to "see the world" that he never got to see. I've always wanted to travel far and wide and see everything I could possibly see - what better time to do it than NOW! And I felt Gary's joy and approval and blessing every step of the way. I think that we can eventually believe that they ARE watching over us, rooting us on, cheering us toward the best possible life we can live for ourselves. We're meant to live abundantly, and wherever they are they know that now. So they want us to live as abundantly as possible. That doesn't mean moving beyond their memories, but learning from their death just how fragile and precious OUR lives are...and how important it is to not wait to live our dreams but to go and do NOW.

We're now looking into a cruise/tour through China and south-east Asia, possibly as early as this fall. Who could ever have imagined me, poor as a church mouse a mere decade ago, even contemplating a trip to China!!! But that's Gary's influence...I just know that if I'm ever going to do it, it has to be now.