Kate, I don't blame you for being worried. It's a wacko world
out there. The U.S. has the same stuff goin' on as Canada and Europe. Teens stay over at their significant other's house.
And parents don't seem to think there's one thing wrong with that. Today's norm would've freaked my folks out. They say kids'
learn by example. But our generation was never allowed to live
like they're living today. So you've gotta wonder where they
got their standards?

Kate, I know your mother's heart is breaking over the recent events of your daughter. While I know you're ticked with her, the best thing to do is love her. I'm sure she knows you disapprove of her lifestyle so maybe it's best to stay away from the topic, reminisce with her about when she was little, and try to do some dreaming with her. I don't know if it will help, but it's worth a try. Maybe you cold send her a card a week with some type of encouraging message. Try to build her up. That's what she needs right now.

What's happening with the girlfriend who was also living there?

Amen to Dotsie's advice. I like her idea! It's always better
to be positive than negative, any day.

I know it'd warm my heart to get loving, caring cards from my
mom. If I had a mom.

I continue to send my daughter emails and she doesn't respond. She only comes over now to use the computer and eat my food. Her Dad never has any.

When I try to talk to her about anything she answers with yes of no answers. She never looks at me.

Tonight when I came home she was on the computer. She called her Dad to pick her up as she had a project to do. He said no you can walk. I asked her if he was picking her up and she said no, he never does. I would drive her all over the place and her friends. Probably too much. She was getting ready to leave so I asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee and I would drive her to her Dads. Figured that may be a way to connect. She had her IPOD on the entire ride and said nothing.

When we got to the coffee place she told me that her school is going on a trip next year to Cuba and she needs $150 before the end of the week or she can't go. I asked her if she had talked to her Dad about it and she said he won't pay, of course, no surprise there. She said they need to book everything and it's a good deal, only $1,500. Well she seemed to be able to talk to me about that but nothing else, she wants something. I think she is in a very selfish place, I really do. Also her Dad has spoiled her by letting her do whatever she wants.

So, I just changed the subject. I asked her if she is going to move back. I just got served with a notice to move in two months. She said last week she wanted to. Tonight she said she doesn't know. I said well I need to know how many bedrooms I need to be looking for. Can you give me an idea. She said she doesn't know and she will never know. I said ok, well then I will just have to rent what I can afford and if there is not enough room for you than what can I do. She just nodded and said she had to go. She is so cool with me, I just don't get it.

She wants to move out on her own but has no job and no idea what it would be like.

I tried to talk to her in the car. I said it seems like you don't want to talk to me. I told her is was hard to know what's going on with her if she doesn't tell me. It was so frustrating. I just said to her, "I give up" I am trying so hard here and you are not communicating with me at all. I got really upset and started to cry but did not let on, tried to hide it. I am not sure if she noticed or not. She just got out of the car at her Dad's and walked away.

I'm so hurt, I have done nothing but love my daughter. I've always been there for her and we had what appeared to be a great relationship until she moved in with her Dad. She is turning her back on me or so it seems. I can't take the pain anymore. I am not going to ask her again. I am not going to pay for her trip. Really I just don't know what to do. I'm trying not to be childish here but this hurts so bad.

I just have to let her go and figure it out. She can come to me from now on. Really sending her little notes and cards does nothing. Tonight when she was here I gave her a big hug and she acted all aloof.

I know, it's tough being a teenager but this is too much. My only thought is she is trying to get back at me because I told her she can't live with me if she stays out all night and over at her boyfriends house. I told her I am willing to make compromises over some things but until she is older or has a place of her own she cannot do overnights at this guys place.

Maybe she is getting back at me, I just don't know but she is being so mean to me and I don't deserve it at all.

Kate

Another thing, the friend moved back to her Mom's. She couldn't take my ex or his anger outbursts. My daughter tells me her Dad yells at her and has anger management issues.

He treats her like crap and I'm the bad guy here. He gives her no money, zero drives, rarely has food in his house. Late at night she has to walk home by herself. This is so hard to take as it's dangerous out there and she is just a tiny thing, all of 5" 1 but her Dad doesn't seem worried at all. He just goes to bed, doesn't pick her up. She is on her own.

I just don't get it.
Kate

Kate,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through a simular situation with my son. It was just heartbreaking.

I would encourage you not to give up on her. Just keep communicating your love for her. You NEVER know what is going to happen. My son ended up moving home this year -- and I would have told you "not in a million years" would he move home.

She sounds like she is in a lot of pain. I know your heart must break for her! Keep loving her and communicating your support for her. You are her one healthy parent (and thats all it takes)

Comforting hugs,

danita

Kate, this isn't about what your ex does or doesn't do for her right now. It's not about what you do for her either. It's about her living with him because he has no boundaries. It's not you, it's your boundaries, which are totally right, by the way. Try not to take it personally; easier said than lived.

Here's a tactic, we haven't approached. What if you back off, but when she calls you or stops by, be there for her with love? Do you call her much? I know you email. Maybe if you back off for a bit, she'll come running.

What do you ladies think?

When my daughter and I butt heads, I have to back off because if I don't, it escalates. She deifintely needs her space to think things through. Maybe your daughter is the same...

I know you've given her space by letting her move out, but try giving her space without communication for a bit.

Maybe?

And do something nice for yourself today. You deserve it. Get lost in a good book with a bag of chocolate in your other hand.

Yes I am going to back off. I think this is a real power trip for her. Knowing I want her to move back. It's a control thing.

"You won't let me move home and let me do what I want, so I will make you squirm"

I don't think she is doing this on purpose but she it doing it all the same. She is not happy. Life is getting her down, she just wants to be able to be free to do what she wants. Have money to move out on her own etc. What teenager doesn't feel like this at times. I sure did. I wanted to move out from age 15 but my mother was a very critical controlling person. My daughter has had it easy in that department.

She says she wants to be able to do what she wants, she wants her freedom. But, no responsibility of course. She still wants me to pay for everything.

I have one issue I would like to check in with you ladies on. My daughter moved out with her bed and most of her clothes. She left behind large bags and boxes of junk, clothes, books etc. I am moving. I have asked her a few times to get her stuff but she says she is moving back so why bother. That was a while back. I need to get this stuff out. I am not going to move it for her as it's mostly junk but I can't throw it out.

Do you think it would be ok to drop it off at her Dad's at this point? Would this be childish. Maybe the timing is not good. Just thinking if she can't even tell me if she is moving back or not than I am going to assume she is not. For now anyway.

I have asked her nicely and explained that I need to know. If I move and there is not enough room for her later she will be sorry. She will not give me an answer. It makes a difference in the rent etc. If she did move with us it will be more expensive as I will need a larger place. If she isn't going to move with us then I will get a smaller less expensive place. I don't want to get a large place and have an empty room. She doesn't seem to care at all about this. Just wondering.

I heard she broke up with her boyfriend. All her friends are glad. Maybe she is mad at me because I told her he didn't respect her by allowing her to take the bus home after midnight by herself. I told her he should come to her house and he should take the bus home. Why should she do this, it dangerous for a young girl to be out at night on her own. She didn't like it when I said it but her friends were also telling her to ditch him. She may be upset about that too. Who knows, maybe she even thought about moving in with him and he would take care of her. NOT! You know how girls can have these crazy romantic ideas when they are young.

Anyway, should I drop her stuff off?

Kate

I decided I would drop her stuff off but not now. This would look too spiteful and I don't want that.
I will take her stuff to her Dads closer to my move date.

I was thinking back to when I was her age. My parents went to Europe and I went with a friend to a place 3,000 miles away. My parents thought we were staying with my friends married sister but we only did that for a week. The rest of the two months we hitch hiked, stayed in hostels, slept on the beach all night. etc. etc. Had a wonderful freedom filled time.

When I returned home my parents picked me up at the airport. My Mom hugged me and asked me if I missed her. I just shrugged and thought about how much I was giving up going home. My parents I thought would always be there. I didn't think of them at all while I was away, I'm sorry to say. It was all about me.

So, I think this is the same for my daughter. It is not that she doesn't care, she is just too caught up in her life. I think I should get a little more selfish myself and take care of myself better. I spend far too much time worrying and doting on my kids and don't do what I want to do and then I sometimes resent them.

So, moving on today. Getting past the hurt feelings and focusing on my needs for a change.

Kate