Well, he is still a burden. He's on break from basic military training. Why the burden? Because his fiance is now living with my parents, financially supporting her (food, gas, vehicle, clothes, etc.). She does not have a job nor a high school education. She is 19 and may have her GED in January. They don't have time for me. Never really have. They take her to dinner, let her drive their vehicles, etc. I told them to ensure the nephew gives them money with his 1st military pay checks. They said its none of my business. Their right its not. But, they'll run themselves into the ground and make it my business and then come to me to get them out of the hole. I can't anymore.

They wanted me to sell my house and move in with them to share the expenses. In this economy, my house won't sale. And even if so, I'd have to rent a storage facility to store everything. Also, I have a dog and 2 cats. They have a dog, too. There's no way 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 4 people could live in 1300 sf 2 bedroom town house.

What is wrong with them? Argggghhh. I'm so upset. Was to meet family and have a big step-family dinner tonight. Now I'm not going b/c my mother and step-father are being hateful and vindictive on the phone. I won't tolerate it. I hate being controlled and lied to. If it weren't for the economy, I'd move across country!

I mean, these people subjected us to abusive folks as children, so we grew up expecting abuse. They only call when they need something and constantly degrade me in front of everyone.

Sorry, just had to vent this out!

Mustang, it doesn't sound as if you could live happily with your parents under the same roof. Hope you will be able to live independently of them. But perhaps at some point in life, especially if you don't know about your job status, the happy menagerie at your home might need to be reduced a tad, so you can continue to have your own place to live.

Wish you could have been invited to another party ..it is tough right now to attend a function with family members who aren't appreciative of you.

Mustangal,
I've watched your posts and you are a caring, intelligent woman.

kick these people out of your life. You are better, wayyy better than this. It sounds to me like you are held by guilt to them and it's getting old. Guilt should be felt for five min. and then it's too much time on it. This is what psychiatrists say, Five min. of guilt is too much.

The boy/ man is now the militaries problem, God help them, they get some of the worst of society now. You need to stop thinking he is your responsiblity in any way. Your sister did what she did and created what she did in a child and they say we get the children we deserve. The boy/man is a loser, and NOT your loser, he is your sister's loser.

I am blunt because I can't bear to read what is happening to you and I respect you on this forum.

Blast your parents!! No guilt, no more visits, no more phone calls, set them straight! Let them know you are not available anymore for their drama and get the drama out of your life.

Mustang gal, we get used to drama in our lives when we come from families like yours. It takes a strong will, a plan and a commitment to get out of the cycle of drama and negitivity. If you need help from a psychologist to stay strong in the face of all of these people, by all means, get one, that is what they are for! Make the big decision and change your life!

I know that the woman on this forum called Mustang Gal is capable of calling it a day with these negative people. YOU are better than this and it's a mess they made, not you!

Your life could be SO, SO much better!

Again, I respect you here, Mustang Gal, and I believe in you. Will you consider giving them up and getting support if you need it?

I pray your life improves and that you have strength to continue to do the right thing.

If you choose to make your own family of friends, you have the support of all who are here on the forum and I'm sure other friends who would help you.

Make a family of those who give as much as you do and life will be sweet.

I wish this punk luck in the military. They are taking even those with records, or "persons of interest," in the Army and trying to give them discipline, etc... You should wash your hands of him and let the military parent him, that's what they do.

The first words in boot camp: WE ARE YOUR FAMILY NOW!!!

He's in now. He's parented all over again.


good luck my friend.

Dancer

Oh MustangGal....I'm so sorry that your family is trying to manipulate you into joining them in their unhealthy enabling ...I know that it hurts but you have to know that their actions and feelings toward you are more from a place of illness in their own hearts/souls. You need to have balance from other sources of love and healing (like the wonderful women here)to armor you against their onslaughts.

I know how difficult it is for me to visit my family of origin even only once a year or so...I usually deal with depression for a day or two after being in that toxic environment. Blessings to you!

i am wondering what your ties are to these mean, abusive people. i know they are your family, but can you say more about why you are so tied to them and allow yourself to be abused by them?

i have also been in the position of being mocked by my family. sometimes a person who sees things and names them gets mocked (i know this is true in my case). my family doesn't want to hear what i think about what they are doing that may not be appropriate. don't know if that is true in your case or not.

sending you support from afar.

Thanks all you gals. I appreciate your support and constructiveness.

I've been disenvited from Christmas again. Same thing happened last year, yet was reinvited and treated horribly. My parents have told the grandkids, siblings, neighbors, friends, and other family members that I'm bi-polar. I discovered this some time ago when I heard one of my young nieces talking about it. This is why I'm not invited to gatherings or dinners!

Step-family reunion was a few months ago and my step-dad was upset I was attending and riding with them. Mom invited me, but the family did not want me there b/c of disagreements with nephew! Step-cousins would not acknowledge me! So, I just sat there, ate, and wished I'd brought a book.

Without going into that which was said today, yet I was lied to and carried out a favor/task for Mom, which went unappreciated and I was blamed for the messy kitchen. I did make the mess, why didn't nephew and his fiance clean up their messes? Anyways, Mom took it out on me - why didn't he run her errands rather than I having to alter my weekend? Oh, forgot, he gets to do whatever he wants.

So, my Mom and step-dad were being rude and vindictive on the phone and I played into it and did the same. Got so mad told them I'm returning their Christmas gift. Now, they are turning off my phone service. (I joined their family plan to save $45 month and paid step-dad 18 mths of service - $180 - upfront and have only been on the plan for 3 months, so I'm out $150 and need to buy another phone plan).

My mother is bi-polar and takes meds for such. Now, I'm the bad guy, the grinch who stoled Christmas. So there it is, tit for tat and according to them, its always my fault. My fault I was molested as a child and they never protected nor believed me, either. I've had this anger my entire life.

I need to stop playing into these traps and lies. Enough is enough (gosh, how many times have I said that?!). The things we do when emotion is involved.

I'd like to know what tactics/behaviors you gals have adopted for those of you that have encounted family abuse/conflicts? For instance, are others treated simarily or are you singled out?

Oh MustangGal...my heart so goes out to you! It truly does. Can't someone invent a magic wand that takes care of all this crap, blast it all! (Speaking of venting).

I believe, with all gentleness intended honey, that you know what you need to do...you said it very clearly in your post. The first step, in my opinion, is to pull yourself out and away from the situation. You're right, it is easy peezy to get pulled into the same behavior when emotion is involved, especially when there is a part of us hoping that each time it will be different.

So, what would it take for you to stop taking their calls, seeing them, being near them? It may be for a short time or a long time, I don't know. And it sounds like it is time!

What kind of support do you need? What things need to change so you can get away from the situation for whatever length of time is needed and get some clarity around what is BEST for you. You might want to start by making a list of all the connections and all your needs to see what you can ask for help with, what can/can't be done immediately, etc.

As harsh as it may sound in writing, you are the only one who can change you. They won't change, or they will, and it will be their choice.

You *get* to care for you the way you want to be cared for, gently, kindly, carefully and with great respect. And only you can make the choice to take yourself out of harm's way.

I know $150 is a lot of money, believe me I do! And it sounds like it may be a great investment to get yourself out of that plan and reduce the "hold" this unwell person has on you. Make sense?

If I can be of service, please let me know. And I want you to know I get that it isn't easy and don't mean to sound like it is!

MustangGal...I was definitely singled out by both mom and step-dad..when I lived in the home with them...but in later years, my mother's hate-full words were lavished on almost everyone at different times.

Really, the only thing that saved me was to leave the area in the early 70's and never live back around them. The craziness with and among them worsened over the years and continues to this day.

I never regreted moving away from my "family of origin" and raising my children away from them. When my children were younger and we visited...they thought they saw an easier life there...as the folks are wealthy and all my siblings had a home given to them among other things...but believe me...one's soul was sold in the process...now as my children are older, they have come to understand and appreciate my wisdom in moving away.

I know that leaving is not an option for everyone but it was the only effective one for me.

Mama Red, I should have been nicer to my mother and not have reacted to her vindictiveness. I'm an angry person b/c of what they did and continue to treat me. There was not show of affecting during my childhood, my mother slapped me and when she did not want to punish me, she would have my biological father administer the punishment (belt, called names -- like stupid, dummy, dog, idiot --, kicked in the butt and forced on my knees, slapped with his palm, and backhanded). I was even choked and raised off the floor by my father and backed shoved into a wall for a falsehood my step-mother stated.

Enough of that. I always feel guilty for not being enough and find myself repeating behaviors. For instance, for many years I've thought gossip was an acceptable form of communication. Why? Because thats what my mother, step-mother, and siblings did about me and others. I thought this was OK. Its not.

Mama Red, good idea in that I need to create a well thought list to separate myself from the above mentioned.

I need to pony-up and stop slipping out of the saddle when I think a little bit of love will be exhibited by my parents, only to discover its another manipulative game. Also, I need to curb my anger which is based upon past abuse.

I need to turn the page, and I'm not very good at it.

Mustang sweetie, Love and care for yourself anf the animals who adore you unconditionally. Your parents (sorry) but they sound like people to distance yourself from.

This very year I have myself come to the realization that sometimes its better to be alone than with people (especially relatives)who abuse you in any fashion. Afte awhile you become filled with inner peace and comfort in your surroundings. Gods blessings.