Kate,

When my youngest son was 11, my husband announced that the marriage was over and he was leaving (I have older kids who were already out of the house). Eventually I learned that he'd been sleeping with a married woman for a while -- she has 3 boys of her own, one of whom is the exact age of our son. My son engaged in all sorts of acting-out behaviors, one of which got him expelled from school (actually suspended for one quarter, but they call it expulsion).

I got him into counseling and the counselor believed that his main problem was that his father had this new life with these new people, and my son felt completely rejected. He may have even thought he drove his father away, because kids think that way. He never said he wanted to move in with his dad, but his dad did take him on fancy vacations etc. I think he remained angry at his dad for years. He's now 23.

I understand what you're saying about the loneliness involved with letting go. My ex wanted me to split the time (with son going here and there) but his motivation seemed to be that he owed less in child support that way. His new wife's kids were with her one week and with their dad the next. My ex actually came up with a schedule where our son would be with me Tues Fri Sat and Dad on Mon Wed and Thurs (anyone notice how messed up that is?)

I just read all about your situation. If it were me, I wouldn't be leaving these decisions entirely up to the children. I think they want to hear from you some absolute limits. I'd tell the ex he needs to take the son, absolutely, above all else. It sounds to me like the son needs attention from his Dad -- is he the same one who your ex is exploiting to fix up the basement for your daughter? What nerve!

I'd probably tell my daughter that as soon as she's 18 she can move wherever she wants but until then she needs to concentrate on finishing school, and not on hanging out with her friend (female friend I assume?)

I would tell him he has to take the son and then if he also wants the daughter to come, and she's willing, then okay, she can come too. Your ex is their parent and they probably need _some_ of his parenting, which is just the way it is when we marry jerks, especially if he has reformed to some degree.

I would bet anything that the entire situation will become intolerable especially for your ex's wife and the 10 year old, and the kids won't be there very long.