Kate, she sounds like she is quite sensible and lovely. Let her move, feel some independence and maybe, just maybe, she won't like it so much. Its lonely living alone after all without mama there to turn to every minute. It is the right of passage after all.

I'm growing inpatient. My ex has my son helping him to fix up the basement for the girls. My son keeps saying to me "If I move to Dad's I'll do this" etc.

I don't have any idea if he wants to move or not. He says he wants to try it, but then he says he doesn't want to leave if I will get upset. I am trying not to show that I am upset but it is not easy to hide it. I don't talk about it much, just keep to myself and do my own thing.

Today the ex picked up my son to put him to work on the basement. My son mentioned again, if he moves. I said to him, please make up your mind either way if you are going to try it or not. It is really unfair to keep me in limbo.

Why I feel this way is I rent a very expensive house, out of my budget but it is the cheapest in this city with enough bedrooms etc. If they are going to move I want to start packing up and move to a smaller place that I can afford.

There is also a few other options. I could rent out a room, or both if they both go. Also, I could take in a teen 13 to 16 that is a ward of the court/ministry etc. There is a program that puts kids into good homes for a 3 month to a year period. It helps they get back on their feet as they can't live at home for a variety of reasons. The income is tax free and it's quite substantial. I have always loved kids, was a big sister etc. but wonder if I am too stressed out in my life at this point to do this or not. Maybe it would be a good thing, take my mind off my other kids being with their Dad etc.

I am just trying to come up with some ideas if they do both move. If my son stays I could rent out my daughters room but my son is totally against this. He was really angry when I told him I wanted to rent out the room and especially take in a teenager.

I am all over the map right now and stressing big time. The doctor just put me on blood pressure pills. I tell myself that I don't have to make up my mind right now as my daughter may come back. The entire situation is driving me crazy. I am right before my period too so that may be part of it. I am not the most patient person and need to keep my life under control or I get stressed.

Not knowing if my kids are coming or going is really upsetting for me.

I am going to yoga today to meditate and get away from the situation for now, but it will be back.
Kate

I just typed something else and don't know where it went.

I'll type it again. My kids have lived with me since my eldest was 11 and my younger two were in diapers. I travel with work 3 to 4 times per year and have done for the past 8 years.

Since I began a long distant relationship three years ago I have also gone away on week long trips in the summer and once or twice in the fall. I take my kids away for two weeks every summer.

When they were younger they stayed with their grandma while I was on work trips. After age 12 I asked them where they wanted to stay and Dad was more convenient, close by the school etc. Not once did they stay at their Dads. While I was away they would stay with friends, every time.

This past summer when I was away they both stayed at my house much to my dismay when I found out. My ex said he knew nothing about it. When I asked him where they stayed on other occasions and this occasion he said " I don't have any idea but they didn't stay with me"

I said well didn't you think to check on them and see if they were at my house. He said no.

This is the kind of Dad he is. Buries his head in the sand,let's them do what they want and this is why I have concerns.

I don't get it though. Why would they say they want to live with him now when they never stayed there while I was away. It would have been a perfect opportunity for them to see what living with him would be like.

I'm really stumped.

kate, remember teens don't always know what they want. I think they're just interested in trying something different because they can.

If I were you, I wouldn't do anything differently for at least the first month she/they are gone. From the sounds of it, I'm not so sure it's going to last. What if you move and she'they want to come back? Same with bringing someone to live in her room. Then you'd have to ask them to leave and that's so much change.

I'd sit still for now and give it a little time. MEanwhile, work on things of interest to you.

Thank you Dotsie.
I had a real good talk with myself last night :-)

I went to the book store which is what I do when I am struggling. Right to the self help section. I find this very helpful and I get out and distracted for a little while.

I am my own worse enemy. I am a "over thinker" and this is part of the problem. What should I do if this happens, but then what if that happens. You get the idea.

I bought a wonderful book called "The Language of Letting Go"
It is written by a lady named Melody Beattie" who also wrote a book titled "Codependent No More"

It's a daily meditation book.

I know that part of my problem is that I am impatient, have to know everything now, and also need help learning to let go of things I have no control over.

In the meantime I received a wonderful card from my son today and a sweet long letter. He told me how much he loved me and thanked me for being there for him.

He said his roomate was released five days ago and went to a recovery centre. He lasted five days and is now back in jail. My son said this was a real wake up call for him.

He's hanging on for dear life to me and my other two are trying to break free. Interesting. His doing this is helping me realize that I haven't lost my daughter.

Also, I'm still reading the book you sent to me and it is really helpful.

Last night at yoga I really concentrated on what I was doing. That is why it is so great, you spend 90 minutes just getting in tune with your body. Not thinking about anything because somehow you can't. This has been a life saver for me. The hot yoga helps your body detox. After only three sessions I feel like a new person and my stress level has come down quite a bit. I encourage everyone to try it as it has huge health benefits.

Kate

The good thing Kate is that your son (who is struggling with his addictions, etc.) seems to want to keep in contact with you even though it can cause a dependency (for money, etc.) on you that is unrealistic, given his age, etc.

It could be a situation that he could choose to cut off communication from you. But he has not.

Isn't it miraculous that you are getting strength from your addicted son when you need it? I find that remarkable.

Kate, I know what you mean by over thinking. I do the same, especially in the middle fo the night.

Enough already. I pray and turn it over to God, then take it back.

You are going to be okay because you are working at taking care of yourself, which is a good thing.

Kate, how about an update. Been thinking about you!

Kate,
I know how you feel. I felt betrayed when my son was friendly
with his dad and second wife, especially since dad left us for her. That was a long time ago and the hurt has healed some,
though I still feel betrayed if I dwell on it.

I see Yoga is helping you. And your son writes and reaches out to you. That's great. I'm glad you're feeling better. And pray all will work out!

Kate,

When my youngest son was 11, my husband announced that the marriage was over and he was leaving (I have older kids who were already out of the house). Eventually I learned that he'd been sleeping with a married woman for a while -- she has 3 boys of her own, one of whom is the exact age of our son. My son engaged in all sorts of acting-out behaviors, one of which got him expelled from school (actually suspended for one quarter, but they call it expulsion).

I got him into counseling and the counselor believed that his main problem was that his father had this new life with these new people, and my son felt completely rejected. He may have even thought he drove his father away, because kids think that way. He never said he wanted to move in with his dad, but his dad did take him on fancy vacations etc. I think he remained angry at his dad for years. He's now 23.

I understand what you're saying about the loneliness involved with letting go. My ex wanted me to split the time (with son going here and there) but his motivation seemed to be that he owed less in child support that way. His new wife's kids were with her one week and with their dad the next. My ex actually came up with a schedule where our son would be with me Tues Fri Sat and Dad on Mon Wed and Thurs (anyone notice how messed up that is?)

I just read all about your situation. If it were me, I wouldn't be leaving these decisions entirely up to the children. I think they want to hear from you some absolute limits. I'd tell the ex he needs to take the son, absolutely, above all else. It sounds to me like the son needs attention from his Dad -- is he the same one who your ex is exploiting to fix up the basement for your daughter? What nerve!

I'd probably tell my daughter that as soon as she's 18 she can move wherever she wants but until then she needs to concentrate on finishing school, and not on hanging out with her friend (female friend I assume?)

I would tell him he has to take the son and then if he also wants the daughter to come, and she's willing, then okay, she can come too. Your ex is their parent and they probably need _some_ of his parenting, which is just the way it is when we marry jerks, especially if he has reformed to some degree.

I would bet anything that the entire situation will become intolerable especially for your ex's wife and the 10 year old, and the kids won't be there very long.