I heard the party was kind of a bomb. Not that many people showed up. But there was lots of drinking, the ex allowed this, I wouldn't.

Some of the girls were throwing up. The ex's girlfriend kicked them all out at midnight and they went downtown to a billiard place. Yes they are 17 years old. Kicked them out at midnight, are you kidding me. She should not have been allowed to leave the house intoxicated or otherwise. But, that is my ex. What a great Dad, that is what he calls himself.

I have not heard from her. It's her birthday on the 10th. Usually I take her out to for dinner. I am still really hurt and don't want to see her as I don't want her to feel bad about me. This is going to take some time. I understand it is not about me, but I feel what I feel and can't hide it.

Not sure what to do at this point. I will get her a gift but I don't think I can do dinner this year. I won't be able to hide my hurt and don't want her to feel guilty.

I spoke with a friend of hers and she said my daughter is really dumb for moving in with her Dad. She can't stand the girl my daughter moved in the basement with. Not many can. She is a real party animal. Drinks, smokes, does drugs.

This is a nightmare for me after what I have gone through (am still going through) with my addict son.

I went to my youngest son's rugby game today. It was such a great game. He played hard. He left the party early as they were drinking and he is an athletic kid. He is also only 15 so is still not acting out. It was nice to do something positive with him.

Kate

Oh boy Kate, I'll tell you,...it's tough to be a parent. I see alot of similarities here with my brother and his kids. His oldest son was always rebellious and got in a lot of trouble. My brother sent his boys to excellent schools, travelled to Europe many times, financed music lessons, scuba diving, even flying. The end result is more than disappointing. One of them has been caught dealing drugs ( several times), and has no goal whatsoever. He will probably quit college this year. And his other son doesn't even want to finish high school. To top it off, both are fresh, arrogant and full of animosity towards their father. My brother suffers terribly because of this. He has given his all; not only his love, but he has invested every free moment for his children.

Yesterday Hubby and I went to our granddaughter's b-party (3 years old). My DIL held it at McDonald's. They invited 12 little kindergarden friends. It was interesting how different these little people were from one another. So many of them were serious little children. Not even I could make them smile. But there was one little boy, that constantly searched eye contact with me, and smiled warmly every time I looked at him. And then there was a bully, who tried to boss the others around. The parents were all there too. It was an international group, and all seemed loving caring parents who were laughing and having lively conversations with one another. But their children were as different as an assortment of chocolates in a box.

So dear Kate, all you can do is your best. Then lay your hands in your lap and breathe deeply through, and think;

….my life isn't just about my children. My life is about me: my own dreams and hopes, and my own inner peace within life itself.

Some things are just beyond our control. I believe most character traits that our children have are in their genes. If you just love and guide them, then you have fulfilled your mother obligations. What they accept and put to use is solely up to them.

My daughter has been at her Dad's since February 8th. She says she wants to stick to the 30 day agreement. When 30 days are up she will decide whether to stay or move back with me.

Her Dad does not want to honor our agreement. He just served me with court papers and wants $$$.

My daughter says he is selfish and she knows he is all about the money so I don't get why she stays there.

I really think this is about her friend. She likes living with her but also she is being pressured because her friend can't move back home. Well she can but she hates her Mom's new live in boyfriend. Her Dad moved out one day and the next day the new guy moved in. They do drugs, drink etc. Her Dad is an alcoholic so she can't live with him. She needs to stay with my daughter at her Dad's.

My daughter emails me and tells me she misses me. I email her too. She is coming over tomorrow to hang out.

I am kind of stuck as to what to do but am just going to be supportive and will let her figure it out. If she wants to talk about it I will but I don't want to be the one that brings it up.

She said she will let me know in 30 days so I will stick to that.

As for the court papers I have 30 days to respond from the 14th.

This is complicated. When your partner served you court papers and wants $$, what is he asking for??

Hopefully your daughter realizes that at her age, there are personal responsibiities..either she goes back to school full time and work hard at her marks ..or get a job. No one outside her family, can look after her friend either. How else will her friend get money unless she works also?

Obviously your daughter does still view you as some sort of sounding board which is good to see.

Keep us posted Kate. It must hard to hold all this together yourself at times.

Kate if all that stands in the way of your daughter moving back home is being near her girlfriend, what if you allowed the girlfriend to move in with you as well? You could set some strict ground rules and if she can't pay room and board then she can do housework etc. with your daughters help. That could solve many poroblems. Just a thought. Could also be fun having the girls around, and trip up your greedy husband.

I do not think that Kate's daughter's friend living under Kate's roof would solve much in overall family dynamics. It appears she has alot to cope with her younger son and also with her older son in the back of her mind.

Hard to know the reliability of teenager friend as a boarder. Too much to expect when friend has a load of personal problems related to her own problematic split parents. The young friend needs a counsellor...

Your daughter is caught in a peer pressure trap with a gal who may possibly be using her for the living situation. How long have they been friends?

Kate, I believe your daughter wants and needs your attention. She probably moved because she thought life would be easier at Dad's without some of your restrictions (which are needed). I have a feeling she'll be back home before too long. Until, revel in the fun times your son is providing you with his games and conversations! Try to focus on the positive kid right now, them be the sounding board when your daughter needs you.

Your right Dotsie,
She is caught up in the peer pressure trap. Teenagers are all about their friends. I remember it well and my parents were far in the background when it came to importance at that age.

She has made a commitment to her friend and will probably stick it out unless the friend comes up with some new plans. Who knows, her Mom's boyfriend may move out. Things are always changing.

My daughter is still in the honeymoon stage. I don't think it has much to do with the ex, her Dad. He is just accommodating her so he doesn't have to pay me and she knows it. And I guess she doesn't mind being accommodated.

They have a little apartment type set up with a kitchen and living area and they are trying out what it would be like to live on their own. Her Dad is not home much and the step Mom is busy with the other kids so they are on their own basically.

At this point I am not sure if it will last or not. My son loves it as he now gets all of the attention. He is strugging at school so her not being around is giving me some needed time to focus on his homework. For now it seems to be working.

I do miss seeing my daughter every day and it feels weird. But she emails me daily and she was just over last night. She is not far away.

So, I will just wait it out as there is not much else I can do.

You may want to make sure the courts know that ex of yours is BEHIND in support payments before they happily award him support. Don't just assume they'll know that or be fair...

What goes around!

Funny story, well if you can see the humor in things. My daughter tells me that her Dad is really annoying. It sounds like she may come back. But that is not the funny part.

Today I went to court to respond to the papers the ex sent me requesting to cancel the child support order. I filled out the reply form and had it stamped. The guy said wait a minute I need to check something. He looked on the computer and said my ex's request would be automatically cancelled. For some reason there is a new law and the Divorce and Separation act says he can't request to cancel the child support order. The papers he served me with are not legal or binding and his case will be thown out before it even gets to the judge.

I actually had a little chuckle, so did the guy. He can apply to do this but not without jumping through some major hoops, getting a lawyer at his cost and it will be a really big hassle for him.

Thought I'd share my good story for the day. It doesn't pay to be a jerk.

Kate